On the Edge

 I am new to this writing down your feelings thing, but here it goes.  

Around a month ago I was called into the counselors office at my school.  I tried not to freak out as I was walking there but it was not working out so well for me.  I tried to think what this could be about but my mind just seemed to shut down.  When I arrived she said she just wanted to check in with me.  She was really nice but the thing is, I don't deal well with confrontation.  Then she said she was concerned about me because someone at school had come and talked to her.  They said they had overheard me talking about wanting to be dead or something like that.  So she proceeded by asking if I planned to kill myself or hurt myself in any way.  I said no, but I get nervous easily and am a horrible liar so I probably was not very convincing.  The whole conversation probably lasted about five minutes but it felt like an eternity to me.

The next day she calls me in during morning meeting so I start freaking out again of course.  I make the mistake of telling a few of my friends what is going on with me and now I regret it.  It is not that I don't trust them because I do but...I feel like I am burdening them with my problems or lack there of.  I complain a lot and I am afraid they will get sick of me eventually.  But back to the story.  So she calls me back because she was not entirely convinced the last time we spoke.  She asks me questions to get to know me better and I answer them all wrong.  Sometimes I wish I knew what she was thinking when she learns a little bit more about me but I would probably not like what I heard.  I just hate it when she looks at me ... it's like she is solving a puzzle. I hate when people watch me. It just bothers me.

So I am meeting with her once a week now for a while.  I have convinced her I am not a threat to myself so there will be no informing the parents... thank god!

One thing I cant get off my mind is that we were coming up on our last "session" (and you would think I would be happy right?) but part of me did not want to stop.  I was more truthful this last time and told her I think that I might have depression or an anxiety disorder and that I am going to be tested for ADD so she wants to check in with me after them for a couple more weeks.  I am relieved but hate myself for it.  I should not want to talk. It is conceited and wrong.  I do realize that it helps some people b/c some of my family have been in therapy, but I should not want this.  I cant get used to talking because I will become more whiney and pathetic than I already am.  This is why I am writing because I must stop talking but am afraid I am too used to it already.



chemistryd32 chemistryd32
18-21, F
4 Responses Feb 11, 2009

it may sound harsh but until you realise it , it will be dificult. The only person that knows you is you. These peope are the same as mechanics and refrigeration repairmen. The have handbooks and the like. i am 41 and have made it this far by stopping and breathing. Realise the pain is not real, it is like someone has left the tap on for emotions.<br />
NEVER EVER confide in your friends EVER, they will smile then your entire relationship will change. Just make sure you stop realise your environment and make decisions based on awareness of your environment/ These emotions arent real but just stop and breath , and when you decide ensure the decision is for you. To me cutters and the like are just people screaming for help or want a shoulder to cry on.<br />
Just make sure you make YOUR OWN decision and follow through. Even use the mask that you use to cover your depression like an addiction replacement. Just remember its your decision and in my 41 years I have never been helped once by a counselor with a damned egg timer.

Wow, so you were able to convince the counselor that you are not a threat... :) maybe I can do this... I just might talk to the counselor. I have exactly the same fears as you did. But im happy that you were able to talk it over with someone who you could confide in

Ive been depressed, anxious and im sure ive been cofused in my life. The only therapy tht really worked out for me was when i got to write down and share my feelings with other people. People could be more supportive than u think and instead of letting it all in how abt u try to let it all out and im sure it would feel much better. I think I have some symptoms of ADD or anxiety disorder I was even told that by a teacher once and i dont think i ever felt bad abt it, y should u want it to stop or to stop talking? u may be surprised of how much it helps and of how much people would relate to u..and i really want u to feel better abt urself, u really deserve to and u hav my best wishes

Im really glad the counsellor stepped in - keep talking to her, it will help, Im sure of it. <br />
It can be hard to share your feelings - let Ep be good practise and write, write, write as much as you can out here - most people you come across will be supportive. <br />
I think you probably are not as whiny or annoying as you think you are - there is nothing at all conceited or wrong about talking about your problems - I think sharing stuff thats difficult shows great strength or character, bravery and trust. Those are all good things.<br />
Stay strong, best wishes - you will get there, just keep trying!