Hello,
About 2 weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression, though I would say I have been depressed for a few months it has really got me to a point where I need to write this somewhere in hope someone can either relate to me or help me in any way. Before I go on I am not much of a “writer” in any sense and have never done anything like this before, so forgive me if there are parts that do not make sense, spelt wrong or just grammatically wrong.

To kick some things off ill explain a little about me and my childhood that will help made sense of what is going on with me and hopefully explain why I am wired this way. At about 6 or 7 I was diagnosed with aspergers, which in simple terms is a mild form of autism which makes social situations very awkward for me social anxiety if you like, I have great difficulty making conversation and looking people in the eye and confrontation is the most horrible thing, I shake like a leaf. As a kid I lived in my own bubble, had very few friends, and to be fair I was quite content with that.

At the age of about 10 I was diagnosed with dyslexia, this will explain why my wording and sentences might look a little weird. Though it does not really contribute to the story too much, it made school very difficult for me, I’m a hand on learner rather than reading and writing.

Now jump forward 5 years at the age of 15, I got my 1st job at a petrol station as a Customer services Representative. To a teen with aspergers this was the scariest event of my life, but it helped break me out of my shell immensely, though not completely.

At the age of 17 in 2008, I got my 1st girlfriend and I was over the moon as all my friends had girlfriends and I just felt like a shadow to the opposite sex, felt like they would look right through me. The whole social anxiety thing certainly didn’t help. At about the same time as I met my 1st GF I was a regular visitor to my favourite bands fan chat where I met this girl named Sarah who lived on the other side of the world. We hit it off like best friends quite early on and she helped me with my “girlfriend” issues...to make a long(er) story short, she hurt me quite badly(emotionally) and broke up a few months after but we live and we learn.

Sarah was always there for me and helped me with so much that it became something more, much more. Again to make a long story short, we fell in love. My first real true love, the 1st girl to love me for me and I loved her for her. She moved from the other side of the world to visit me and see if what we have online would work in real life, as it turns out it did. 6 months later I went over to her home country and spent 4 weeks with her and her parents, though we had a language barrier (with the parents, Sarah’s English is perfect) we got on very well, and on the last week it was decided we wanted to be together the distance was too much. Sarah moved from the other side of the world to be with me. As I was still living with my parents they allowed her to move in until we got our own
place. How amazing is that?

The years following have been some of the best for me minus rough experiences with jobs. Due to those bad experiences I am back at that petrol station, well same company different site as a Leader/trainer. I get very anxious thinking about getting a new job. Sarah helped me grow in to this confident and strong(er) person I am today but I still have a whole lot of work to do before I could actually be considered “confident” by normal standards which is where my depression MAY be coming from...but more about this a bit latter. We got a house together, we got 3 cats and a mouse! On February this year, we got married, one of the happiest days of my life. Friends and family all having the time of their lives. A day I will not forget.

On to the not so good stuff, the stuff that I think (or at least contributed) to me being depressed. I will start with the not so serious one but may very well be the leading cause. I’m not entirely sure to be honest but it certainly plays a huge part, work. At the start of June I became the Leader of the cafe at the petrol station and I am under constant stress. I am working literally 2 people’s jobs, before I started there, they had 2 people doing my job. Don’t ask me why they decided to drop it to one, though the managers are there to help, that’s all they are there to do. Help. I have to serve customers, make coffees, bake pies and heated stuff, ensure cabinets are always full and looking good and on top of that as a leader I do stock takes and orders. As required by head office once an hour we are meant to go out to the front and clean the tables, top up sugar, refill bags etc. I get this done TWICE a day if I am lucky (should be eight times).

The stress got to me really badly. I have learnt to handle stress but in moderation, not on going and constant like this. The amount of customers flowing through is just...impossible to keep up with for 1 person. Talked to the manager who informs me I am doing fine, and the admin should be helping
me more...SHOULD, yea like that’s happening.

Now on to the major part, as horrible as I feel about this I think it may be my wife, Sarah. I will try to explain this as best I can for a few months now (as little as about 2 months after we got married) I feel like I am drifting away from her. I feel our interests have become so different, the activities she wants to do are the opposite of what I want to do, so when one of us suggests something we both think...really? That sounds horrible it feels like the only activity we both agree on is the movies. Our music tastes are almost as opposite as it gets, music plays a HUGE part of my life. I love my rock, she loves her hip-hop but she does listen to some rock because she knows the huge part of my life it is. Don’t ask me why but
when I hear hip-hop I start to get angry.

This is where it starts to get difficult to put my thoughts in to words...These following things may not necessarily be bad qualities but they have been bugging me lately. She is VERY needy and emotional, as I said not necessarily a bad thing but it just becomes too much. I shall try to give examples, prior to 2013 I would have gaming nights with some mates, they would come over and we would play our games, socialize and drink all that good stuff. I did not expect sarah to participate in gaming as that is not her thing but she got upset at me that she felt left out even though we were all trying to include her, also despite telling her a week before feel free to invite a friend of yours over to keep you company, or you can go out, or join us! Guess that ruined my night. Since then whenever I mentioned it she always says “well what am I going to do?” this quite hurts as if she ever has friends over I am always more than happy to watch movies in my room and
let them have a girls night.

As a big music person I go to quite a few concerts, I invite Sarah every time but if she doesn’t like that band she doesn’t want to come, which is fair enough! No disputing that. The issue comes back to her wanting me home ASAP. To be fair she has lightened up on this issue a fair bit. Some months ago me and some mates planned a road trip to another part of the country following a band. This was something I really wanted to do because I have lived a rather secluded life in the sense I don’t go out to clubs, I barely drink been on one small road trip before. This became my “last chance” to do something like this. We where rather short of cash so I was expecting an answer like “we can’t afford it so no” of which I would have accepted. The reaction I got was just...way over the top, she broke in to tears about how I always leave her out of these things and various other reasons to be honest I don’t remember, I just kind of tuned out due to disbelief. To make a LONG story short, I ended up going and having the time of my life.

Going to back track by a week before the road trip quickly I met some people that I chat with in a chat for a website I help to run (for the band I was on the road trip for) one person I got on well with was Liz. She travelled 8 hours to attend the event from where she lives to be there. We had a little bit of a chat, could tell she was a cool chick but I was nervous as I am in social situations and pretty girls! Now back to the road trip, I don’t know why (but I think its cause I felt a connection) I decided to send her some snap chats of the road trip and we started to chat. We became very good friends very fast.
After I got back, I realised I’m sad with my life. Why? Is it because of my job? Is it because of my wife? Is it because I feel trapped? Maybe it’s all of the above and more. I decided to get help, I went to the doctor and he told me what I suspected, I am depressed. He got me to take some pills and see how they work out for me. I did as the doctor had asked but now it was confirmed it got me thinking...lots of thinking. I felt like I needed to talk to someone. I can’t talk to my wife about all my issues as MUCH involve her, and as I said she is very
emotional.

I found someone to talk to, Liz she has become one of my best friends so incredibly fast it’s just crazy we share almost identical interests and likes. I have told her all of my deepest and darkest stories (not that I had many!) as well as the most embarrassing, even ones I have not told Sarah. She became the person I trust more than anyone in the world. Liz has done the same for me, told me all about her life (good and bad) I have never felt more privileged and honoured to be trusted by someone like this before. We talk every day for hours if we get the chance and it makes me feel not so crazy as I think I’m going.

Back to Sarah for a moment I know I love her, but that whole cliché of “in love” I don’t think so any more...and I feel so bad about this as I know she loves me more than anything and does so much for me. Don’t get me wrong I am doing my best to rekindle my love for her but so far nothing is working. Is it the depression talking or is this what I actually feel? At the moment I think it’s what I feel...Sarah is one amazing person of that I have no doubt but through the amount of growing since I met her since I was 17 I feel like I am a different person now. Thanks to her I am no longer that scared person I used to be and I feel like I missed out on so much, I feel like I am trapped. I have always hated change and for the 1st time in my life I want change. I want to move to another part of the country, I want to get a new job, I want to start fresh, I want to be...not with Sarah . How can I leave her after all she has done for me? But I can’t stay in a loveless marriage can I?

Now the part that make me feel like a horrible person and feel...just lost but gives me the most hope along with the most happiness at the same time and the one thing I am sure of in my life at the moment, Liz. Though I can’t be sure...I think I have fallen for her. Though our separate past experiences and the trust we share I feel a connection with her I cannot ignore. She has told me about a guy that she had sex with, and she wasn’t overly happy about it and felt like complete **** about it because she felt she didn’t have the strength to say no. I felt absolute rage toward this guy. I am not a violent person at all, I have never thrown a punch at a single person but I have never wanted to punch someone so much before. I kept my feelings aside a bit there and consulted her about what had happened. I felt like this guy had violated “my girl” but she’s not? Why am i feeling like this, it is driving me crazy. At the same time I felt so happy that she trusted me to help her with this difficult time.
Very recently she had a sort of date with a dude at the same time I was out with Sarah, I could not get my mind off her. Does she like this guy? What are they up to? I was hoping like CRAZY they would not wind up together as I feel she is “my girl”. The next day she messaged me, my heart pounding like crazy hoping she wouldn’t tell me things I didn’t want to hear. She told me they got on well but nothing happened and she doesn’t know about him yet. All I wanted to tell her was that I don’t like the sound of this guy, but by the sound of things he did nothing wrong. I kept my personal opinions aside this time.
Previous to these occasions we have talked about “us” and she has said if I leave Sarah for her she wouldn’t want to be reason so it wouldn’t work between us. I can highly respect that but informed her it wouldn’t be for “her” but for the reasons that I’m sick of being sad. She is also not sure if we have a future, but I feel she says that as to not make ending my marriage with Sarah as hasty or “easier” but I could also be completely misreading the situation. This is due to times she has been a little tipsy and given me little hints that it’s too bad I’m married or that I fit her criteria for a boyfriend. I have also been remembering many of my dreams lately and all of them about Liz and I’m hugging her or trying to find her, I’m not a dream expert but that has to mean something. Just to be clear it is not her fault in anyway, She has been an amazing friend to me and it may just be me with a one sided attraction and told her I would rather have her as a friend for life than a lover for a few months.
Next week Liz will be in my area for some personal reasons and I will be meeting up with her along with a mutual friend of ours. I guess this will be a good opportunity to see how our chemistry works in person and not just over the txt and the occasional phone call. I am aware that Liz may not want to give us a chance and if she would it would not be for a while yet. I feel bad because I should let her live her own life without me interfering!

I returned to the doctor last week as he requested and was asking me how I was going, told him no real change. He has increased the dosage of the pills I am taking. I asked is there anyone I can talk to about this cause my head is so full of crap and he said yes, I am off to a psychologist soon I am just waiting for a phone call to confirm an appointment. now here I am right now as I type this, a hour away from heading off to the doctor again...I can honestly say I am feeling better at work, though lots of room for improvement. At home...no change I feel just as miserable

In saying all of this I could never cheat on Sarah and never would. As you can tell (hopefully) my head is just so full and ****** up. Is it just the depression talking? Will my feelings all change again once I’m over the depression? Maybe I won’t be over being depressed till I am out of the marriage. There is more to this but as I reach the end of page 4 I feel like it is enough for you to get the idea and it feels good to get it off my mind and in to paper.
I would like to just make it clear, I want to try and make things work with Sarah before doing anything rash, or at LEAST get out of the depression. I’m just trying to be honest with myself in writing all of this. I never had any intention of hurting her but obviously it would.
If you made it to the end I thank you for reading this all, if you have any advice for me I would really appreciate it. As I said I’m a big music fan so I will leave you with lyrics from a band called sick puppies and their song maybe which sums up how I am right now.

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
maybe it's time to change
guethary guethary
26-30, M
1 Response Aug 28, 2014

its not fair on your wife!!!! you havent given her enough attention its not your wife thats the problem its you! imagine how she would be feeling her being faithful to her husband whilst his talking to some other girl meeting her and having feelings for her if thats not cheating what is it!? my advise is forget liz get her out of your head and mind! dont meet her instead spend time with your wife take her out for dinner or to the cinemas or a walk in the park spend time with your wife not liz!!!!

thank you for your advice, i know what you are saying and i appreciate it. trust me when i say i want to rekindle things with my wife, this is why i am looking to all types of help i can get and im not lying about anything. i am not going anywhere until i know for sure what the problem is

liz is the problem shes in between u and ur wife remove her out ur life