Mother Falls In Love With Son's Best Friend...

I am in quite a strange situation. About eleven years ago when I graduated from high school I didn't have too many close friends and rarely invited people over to my families house. At my graduation party though I invited a few school friends and one who was my best friend at school. We always studied together in the mornings in the library. I told him he was always welcome at our house only to wish I could take those words back later. My younger brother took an immediate liking to him, because they both enjoyed playing the same kind of videogames and before I knew this friend of mine was coming over all the time, even when I had not invited him. He quickly became a "friend of the family." Over time our relationship began to sour and my attempts to get him to leave were unsuccessful. I complained to my mother but she said, everybody likes him, he's a family friend." I once called him Steve Irkiel I was so upset. At the time I was quite a devout Christian and went to church every Sunday in the mornings and evenings. My friend went to church with us occassionally and started staying over the whole weekend. My mother would take him home on Sunday. At first I would go with my mother, but I grew tired of it, especially when I wasn't the one inviting him over, that with time my mother was escorting him back home alone. My parents were still married at this time and my father began to grow suspicious and want my friend to leave. What started as sleeping over on the weekends turned to every day. My friend had slowly taken up residence in our house. Around this time, my mother was also staying home from church in the evenings "to do school work" and my friend was alone with her. My other brothers thought it would be cool if he could stay while we were at church so they could continue hanging out with him afterwards. I was perhaps naive and didn't think a young man and older woman would do anything, especially my friend. I had watched the film "American Pie" with this friend though, and should have taken the MILF scene more seriously. Well, when my father saw all these things happening, and spoke with me, we both wanted my friend to leave. My father confronted him and instead of being supported by my mother was kicked out instead. They soon were divorced and I was left alone in the family with this crazy friend and a family that hated my father and resented my opposition. Regardless, I spoke the truth as I saw it one night when I found my friend sick on the couch having been nursed by my mother with chicken noodle soup. I spoke lightly to my mother telling her he should go home, and started criticizing her for her relationship with him. He overheard us and confronted me. He became enraged by my words and hit me in the face. I hit him back and my mother became hysterical shouting "No, No, No!" He went to the bathroom with a bleeding nose. I had not been hurt badly. In anger he wrote "****" on my bedroom door. I continued talking to my mother and insinuated that she would not like it if her friend had been sleeping with her father. At this point my friend rushed at me and started chasing me around the house. My mother got between us and got me into my room as she stood in front of the door keeping him out. She told him to call his mother to come pick him up. As he was leaving he shouted that I shouldn't think I had won. I put all his stuff on the doorstep the next morning and his other friend picked it up. I thought he was out of my life only to find that my mother was still seeing him behind my back. I confronted my mother one night and threatened to leave her and never come back. For the next ten years she kept their relationship a secret from me and both my brother's knew about it. I eventually found out when one of my friends became friends with my younger brother and confided all the events to him. He told me everything, though I suspected and had had many dreams which validated to me the affair was still taking place. I again confronted my mother in 2005 and hoped she would leave but to this day she has not. Now she wants to marry this guy who is thirty years younger than her and I am the only real threat that stands between the both of them. I am insulted that my mother, who I trusted for everything, and a friend, would do this to me, and then rather then recognize the pain they have caused, try to validate what they have done with marriage and expect me to accept it. I am tired of trying to force my mother's hand and have told her, she will do whatever she wants anyways, but I have told her if she goes forward with this wherever my ex-friend is I will not be. If he is at family events I told her I will not be. I wonder what other people think. Would anyone her forgive this friend and accept this kind of marriage, or would most people do the same that I plan to do?

WJustin WJustin
26-30, M
6 Responses May 1, 2010

Even if have been so long ago from telling your story and since I am a new member here, I would like to write my opinion.
You have all the right in the world to be embarrassed and insulted by both of them. Your mother put you in a dangerous situation (I would NEVER forgive her for that) at such a tender age. As for that mother@cker your ex-friend who insulted your pride and defames you and your home like that, I would have found a way to harm him (legally) and give him a painful lesson.
I hope by now your decision on the matter is the best FOR YOU and your peace of mind alone. I only know that if I was in your shoes I would cut off all ties with my mother (and him) for life.

You to man. and remember keep your head up and never let your sky fall.

Hey VashTheKing,<br />
Thanks again for your thoughts. Your were right about many things. At that time I was quite naive about things, or didn't think it would happen in my family. You were also right about the bonding in our family, it could be improved. At the time my friend came along I never noticed much heartfelt love between my parents. I have no problem bonding with my wife and daughter, but with my own family, it can feel fake at times. Perhaps that is true love though, trying to love even when you don't feel the love. I do plan to try to improve these things more though, and will be hoping for the best. Thanks for offering to chat when I may need to do so. I will keep you in mind :) Have a nice day.

I def understand you one that one. In the end all I can say is you've been doing good on a count that most people don't have the maturity to go about doing or even attempting what you do as far as things with your family and frined goes. And I encourage you to keep doing what you do and keep pushing at them to deal with and talk about whats happened in the past and like I tell anyone whos entered in my life. If you ever need to vent or talk to anyone I'm here for you. All I can say now is its up the them your mother and everyone else effected by this to 'Grow up' for lack of a better word as you have and try to see beyond what they want and learn to trust those around them in their words, thoughts, and feelings. This is something they need to do not only for others but just as much for themselves too. Everything starts from the inside and only then can things begin to change on the outside ya kno.<br />
My compliments for your father for bearing through the first ordeal with your mother. As it stands with me I could have never stayed with a woman who did such things to me to begin with. Thats one of my pet peeves is that if there is no trust in a relationship there is no relationship to begin with. Your fathers reactions are normal and I can't get mad at him for doing the things he may have did to your mom. He's hurting and he's never felt closure from that even after forgiving her and clearly now he feels like "****, I gave her another chance I stayed with her dispute my fears and anger and again she has thrown my trust to the wind and betrayed me." All I can say is this; your father is a strong man, but I think now he needs to be strong enough to release all his anger frustration and possible hatred at your mothers actions, only then I think once he gets everything out will he find closure and then maybe you and him and hopeful the rest of the family can begin bonding once again. From what it sounds like maybe there wasn't much bonding like that in the family to begin with which is why when your friend came along that kind of affection and actual family bonding is why he was able to stay so long without suspicion. I mean think about it, if you've been without something for so long and finally it comes but there a negative to it. most people are desperate and don't know to let it go even if it seems good in the beginning. Hell even you are guilty of it with your friend. (No offence when I say this and nor do I hold it against you because you realized and tried to put an end to it) but even you for a brief moment in time didn't want to believe that what you thought was going on was going on an more so in your defense you were to naive to think such a thing would even happen. After all who would think their best friend would be sleeping with their mother ya kno.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I agree with you in many ways, and there are so many other facets to the story that I have not been able to share due to the amount of time it would require to discuss it all. The long and short of it though is that both my parents have been hurt by each other throughout their marriage and until this happened I didn't even know all the facts. I was surprised to learn that my mother had had an affair with another man when I was a young child who my parents had taken into their house to try to help because he was down on his luck. The guy ended up seducing my mother and she felt guilty about it and told my father. So it really made me think about my father differently because for most of my life I had considered my mother to be the victim of my father's lack of appreciation, coldness, and at times abuse. My father never beat my mother, but he hurt her emotionally in numerous ways. My father was deeply involved in the church though, in a group called Royal Rangers. He invested so much of his time into this group that my mother felt excluded and left out of so much. And my father had difficulty finding a well paying job, so my mother was always the bread winner and held most of the responsibilities of the house. It was only after the divorce that I saw the true complexity of their marriage and how my father had stayed with her so that myself and my brothers wouldn't grow up without their father. I have wondered to what extent my father was affected by my mother cheating on him the first time and to what extent that figured into the rest of my father's behaviors towards my mother. <br />
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As for the age differences thing and attraction, I do understand that. I have even looked at older women myself and found them attractive, and when talking to some felt very engaged by them, but I think I would have to consider the practicality of being with an older woman in terms of a long term relationship. I wouldn't want to be in my mother's shoes and keep thinking that the person I have come to love will one day inevitably find himself alone in his 50s or 60s. <br />
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I have tried to look at this issue from every possible angle and for a time even tried to forgive them in the hopes that they would stop having a secret relationship and when faced with the reality of their relationship break up. Unfortunately, they didn't break up, and I have to say that my mother does genuinely love this guy or she doesn't want to lose face for the mistakes she has made. She knows that many other people will frown on her actions and so she hopes to salvage the past. Also when she did try to break up with this guy, for a time she dated other men and one man hung up on her when she told him her past. My mother is so afraid that she will be alone in her old age with nobody to love her that she seems to be staying with this guy as much out of fear of future rejection from other potential partners. I can understand this fear, but as you said, the relationship I have with her current partner is an awkward one for me and it is difficult for to say, as you said, "OKAY I forgive you lets have everything go back to normal.” A part of me has wanted this because both of these people meant so much to me, but I hold back myself out of fear of being hurt again. Trust is truly a hard thing to regain once it has been lost. So I don't know what is going to happen. I have no desire of really leaving my mother though I feel like it at times. I want to grow closer to both my parents and patch things up, but it seems like every time I dredge up the past, nothing ever changes and I just consign myself to the fact that I have said everything I can say to my mother and if you are right, she is just going to have to find out if this guy really loves her or not. I worry for her sake that he is just using her and she will suffer more sadness years down the road. <br />
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Well, thanks for listening and responding.

First off I'm damn shocked no one’s commented on this story yet. This is just... wow ya know. Okay Let’s start with the stuff I'm sure you DON'T want to hear first (remember I’m only giving you my thoughts based off of putting myself in both peoples shoes and facts, and usual emotional responses to things by people). You can't get mad at your mother for her feelings towards this guy, no matter how much you may despise the hell out of both of them. As crappie as it is we as people can’t control attraction nor can we try and direct which way we want to point it at either. This is why you get those days where you just suddenly find you are attractive to someone and can’t quite pin-point why it was that person. You can know why you like them because of the qualities they have or things they have done but you will never know why that person. As another factor (though for obvious reasons you may not feel the same as most about what I'm about to say) older females are generally more appealing than females either around or lower than most males growing up age. It’s that sense of maturity and that seeming sense of motherly care that most males looking for a potential spouse, this is due to our subconscious desires to have a woman that we know could take care of our own kin. You know the whole human and genealogical desire to preserve. However I cannot excuse your friend. Not because he was in the wrong for likeing your mother like I said that can’t be controlled what I can’t tolerate is the fact that despite knowing what situation your mother was in and THAT she was married and THAT he could poetically ruin a family’s bond he let it happen. He is selfish and is only thinking about himself and that’s clear to see. One of the things in life that I like to focus on when talking or even interacting with people is looking for the small things they do because it’s through those you start to see the detail in and of a person’s image. And in turn I don’t think he feels for your mother as much as she feels for him or thinks he feels for her. And in the end he’s only going to end up hurting her an she’s going to be left in despair because she just ruined all of the wonderful things she’s had and built with your father just because she let her desires get the best of her years ago. She’s going to realize she let a selfish desire get the best of her and she’s def going to pay for it. Now I’m not one who’s really all that into god. I have mixed feelings on the issue but I will admit to this: Karma is def something that is in existence. I’ve cheated before an you can be assured even to this day I’m paying for it in many ways over and regret making the decisions I made when It came to love. You know what’d be a good movie for you AND even your father to watch. “Why I got married.” Now it’s isn’t like your situation in regards to the friend and what not but you’ll learn why it is your mom did what she did. It’s called the 80/20 rule. She had what I would say an 80% life that was good for her and she should have been satisfied and happy with it. However that 20% she was missing she let that get the best of her and became silly in thinking shed get all that she wanted from something that would only give her a mere 20% of what she wasn’t getting. 20% of something completely different than what your use to or had isn’t going to change into all of the other stuff. It’s just going to be that 20% of what you were missing and that’s it. She’s going to find quickly how much of a mistake she’s made with your friend. He hasn’t experience much in the sense except for with your mother unless the entire time they’ve been together he’s also been seeking other woman at the same time. An if that’s the case he’s eventually going to find a younger woman that does what your mother does and has maybe a little bit more to offer because she’s younger and slowly but surely it’s going to grate on him and he and your mother will start the slow decent of despising each other. In the end I do strongly believe that your mother is only going to end up getting hurt. And God willing Karma comes back to meet both of them in the ***. To be honest I don’t even think she was even appreciative of what she had. In the end she didn’t see the little things her family did for her and she let the big things that eventually hold no weight to the mass amounts of the smaller things, get the better of her. One of the main reasons why relationships go to **** is because of two things Trust and that lack of Appreciation for what you have and what those in your life weather friends, family, or lovers do for you. I just hope your mother comes to her sense before she’s in too deep and then has to pay the price though I think at this pint its def too late. And I would agree with what you want to do. You don’t need to be around such a female or male, they will only end up causing feeling s of spite and hatred towards people and soon you’ll start descending to and lose yourself to fear. By that what I mean is let’s say your around them for too long and grow to really not like your mother, or mothers in general. You may find that you hate being around woman with children because it’ll subconsciously bring back images of your mother, or not like seeing older men with younger woman and vice versa because you’ll look down on relationships like that because you’ll see it as a way to ruin someone’s life. Try not to let that happen and remember to always keep an open mind despite all the **** that may happen in your life. Remember one person actions should make you assume the same to happen for the rest of the people. Always base your judgments of things in life in quantity, if it happens enough times and over a period of years with many different people than is a bit safe to assume that it’s something that is logical and plausible to think.<br />
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P.S. I know it might suck balls and you might wanna see your mom suffer but if things go to ****… try to forgive your mother both you and your father and be there for her. However that doesn’t mean “OKAY I forgive you lets have everything go back to normal” god no don’t let that happen, both you and your father deserve more than that an she no longer is worthy of being both a wife and your mother. However she is still your mother and like all family members you need to be there for one another. I would also sugest if you already haven’t talking with your father about the whole thing and using each other as supports for your pain… People need to be able to vent and I’m sure you and your father still have pleanty of it to do talking with each other about it and actually crying and getting angry about it is good. I would also sugest both of you getting into something that would help as an outlet to your anger frustration and stress. As it stands right now you and your father need someone they can count on an talk to about the situation who might understand. You two would be perfect for that because then he can see how its effected you and you can see how its effected him and then begin to grow and heal from the pain of what’s happened.<br />
(now I know I may have gotten a bit confusing at the end part but just try and be there and talk to each other about the situation)