I had been seeing someone for about 3 months but we've entirely stopped communicating.  I'm really uncomfortable b/c we have mutual friends so I do see her around.  We say hi, act like everything is normal, but we never even discussed anything.  I just became uncomfortable around her.  I had shared so much about my life with her, been really open with her, but she kept her life pretty much a secret. 

Anytime I asked her anything about her life she would be vague and change the subject.  She would ask me really personal questions about my life and I would answer them almost always.   Once I realized the inequity in this I stopped sharing anything emotional at all with her.  Consequently, we have totally stopped communicating. 

We were never officially a couple.  We had talked about it and decided to not label the relationship just yet.  We were okay with having sex and being friends but things had started to get more serious.  She pulled out the 'L' word which was nice to hear but inappropriate in that she didn't show it in any way.  It's hard to hear "I love you" from someone that acts so distant and doesn't share her life.  

I'm's hard for me not having been in relationships for many years.  I want to discuss some things with her.  It's not that I want the relationship back but I need a sense of closure.  I'm trying to be a person that deals with things head on.  In the past I've resolved situations by leaving them and using denial.   I don't want to do that anymore cause I know it's not healthy to keep things inside.  It's hard though cause I'm not willing to be the one to bring it up.  I can't put any more emotional investment in her and acknowledging that I'm hurt would expose me even more.  So I guess I'm just gonna vent about it here.....gotta let it out somewhere.

ReformedAutomaton ReformedAutomaton
41-45, M
34 Responses Feb 25, 2008

Thanks, happened ages ago but it's nice for me to read again and see where I was at. I've grown a lot since then but a lot is still the same too!

nice read :)

thank you so much for saying that...I think I handled it well too and what I didn't handle well I learned from so I'm okay...thank you for the support :)

that's really crappy...he sounds like a distant kind of person. My ex was cold-blooded too. I'm looking for someone that is a better communicator and more emotionally available.

that's kind of the same thing that happened to me...we weren't really dating...things were actually pretty far as i know...we were sharing things and communicating in some form or another every day...the last thing he said to me was that he wanted to see me later that day after i was done with work...because he "hadn't gotten enough of me"...and he never called end...

sho nuff!

Oh... I guess I missed the first couple of acts.. ..<br />
<br />
Life is just a stage..<br />
<br />
cya, GG

thanks GG...I wrote this a while back....we ended up getting back together and getting more serious but then we broke up LOL....several times...we are still talking but no sex in nearly 3 weeks...I think we are really done for good now but hopefully we will remain friends.

Hi reformed,<br />
<br />
I am sorry your relationship with this woman didn't work out. We just never really know how it will go. It does sound like she is confused and unsure of trusting her feelings and that maybe why she backed off. It is good that you are still will to help her as a friend to work through her "stuff" . That is a great thing to do.<br />
You rock!!!

I think she's really confused...and not sure what she wants. She's really sexually aggressive which is nice but I've had the rather womanly problem (LOL) of feeling used for sex. I've thought that perhaps her saying she loved me was a way for her to keep me happy but she didn't really mean it (cause she doesn't show it very well at all). We talked about that yesterday, that I thought she was saying she loved me but not showing it through actions which is what love is, not words. She later said, I think she slipped, that she loves me but she doesn't "care" that much. She kinda laughed when she said it, I know she does care in some ways but to say that you love me but you don't care is silly and shows how confused she is. I'm confused too so I think it's best for me to not get any more emotionally involved. I wish I could still have sex with her, we both want to, but it's just gotten too emotional for me....oh well....

Hmmm... I'm confused that she'd be the first to say she "loved you". Then back off and say she only wanted sex. Usually, those 2 things go together for a woman. Do you think she's still running scared??

I am sure of it... but then again I'm a hopeless romantic!! :)

thanks sweety, I'm not so sure of that but I'll keep trying anyway :)

LOL No... that's not being a woman, that's being human darlin'! :) I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to put yourself in the position of being more hurt. <br />
<br />
Love will come your way, dear! I am sure of it! :)

Thanks dyin.....I talked with her yesterday and we got a lot of things cleared up. Apparently I like her more than she likes me, and that's okay....she wants to keep having sex but I said I can't really do that with us feeling so differently. I'm such a woman LOL

Hey, PA...I hadn't heard from you in a while so I thought I'd check in. I am sorry things went the way they did. But I must agree with Blue as I would give the same advice--maybe a letter or something so she doesn't think you just stopped caring? If I think someone has stopped caring I tend to shut down to protect myself rather than risk asking what's going on, so I can see where both of you might be doing that to protect yourselves... :) I hope things work out, sweetie...<br />
<br />

Her mother was abusive, distant father, and she has been raped so she's had some major trauma. I guess I'm gonna have to be the one to open up to her, it's gonna be hard but I think it's my responsibility. Not to try to reignite the relationship but to let her know that I do care about her and love her. I'm sure she needs to hear that. Thanks for your help man, I'm truly grateful :)

I'm sure the distance you put between you two after she said the L word is hurting her.<br />
The thing is you can't see what she is feeling.<br />
It is hard to be in a relationship with someone like this.<br />
I do think you should talk to her or at least write her some kind of letter.<br />
People like this are truly wonderful inside but it is hard to see. They feel everything we do but it doesn't show.<br />
It must be sad to be like this. Was her father abusive toward her or her mother?

Man what you just said there really hit it on the head. That's why I'm still so upset by this is that she is so sweet in a lot of ways but equally cold in other ways. And she did have some major trauma in her childhood that I'm aware of so I understand why she's this way to some degree. She is a wonderful person but I don't know if I can handle the distance at this point in my life. And I'm not sure if my being distant in reaction to her has meant the end. I guess I've got to communicate with her on some level but I'm just not sure when that's gonna happen.

She has been hurt in the past maybe in her childhood.<br />
She has a very hard time showing emotions or opening up.<br />
I would be willing to bet she is a wonderful person. The question is are you willing to give her the time needed to open up to you. People who are like this really do struggle with showing/sharing emotions.<br />
You have to ask yourself, Can you handle a relationship with someone who is so slow to open up and who may never show you the emotions that you obviously want to see/feel.<br />
I couldn't handle it. I do bet however that she would be a great companion if you could handle the coldness that seems to come from a really warm heart inside.

You probably do need closure - so I think you will be doing whats right for you by talking to her. Best of luck! :)

thank you Flugel...I think you're right that I should say what's on my mind but not give too much away. I'll have to decide between what I really need to say and what I'd like to say. I need to say that I feel confused by her and her lack of communication. And that her insistence that I always communicate my feelings is especially confusing in light of the fact that she never communicates hers. I think that would be good enough for me.

I have been in a similar situation - I gave so much of myself and got nothing in return. Eventually I had to hold back because it hurts so much at times to be that open with someone and reveive no feedback - even when they profess to enjoy hearing about your life etc. Perhaps you need to realise that even if you talk to her you will never hear what you need to hear - she will not share anything real with you...but, perhaps you can have closure just by saying what you need to say. Try not to give too much - but be honest. I think you will be happier having expressed yourself - i know i would!! And no-one can fault you for being honest!

Thanks you guys...I think we will have some closure eventually...I'm not sure when...we will be seeing each other around so hopefully at some point the time will be right.

Sorry ya got hurt PA. Glad you can vent here. Just too bad you can't talk to her and get some closure. Maybe you'll feel like asking her what gives after a little time.

you're welcome man. i'm here for you anytime you need me or wanna talk. don't waste you're precious time on her. for the love of all that is good have fun n' chill.

Thanks angel, I appreciate the thoughts...I think I am wasting my time thinking about this too much.

well, I said that my problem is that she won't share anything with I'm unwilling to share with's a stalemate

This may be a dumb question, but when you two run into each other cant you pull her aside and just say you want to talk? Or call her?

ugh. i hate those kind of girls. too bad they can't be more like me. i talk all the time and you can't shut me up. and what's with the no sex thing. dumb beeotches. gawd! that p*sses me off. they unleashed their goodies out of the jar along time ago so what's wrong with giving a few more away. f'zuck it. you can do better anyway. i'm talking a real f'ing hot hottie who's willing to do anything. and i love guns and roses. they f'ing rock! either way you're a winner at a losing game right now, but you'd think she's a grown girl she'd have the common decency to break it off if she doesn't want to be in the relationship. i guess you should just be the man and clarify that it's over. hey, no need to be confused or unhappy. go rent some p0rn, watch too much football, listen to music that's way too loud while dancing in your spongebob boxers. enjoy it while you can cuz' every 60 seconds you're feeling like this is a minute of perfectly good happiness wasted.

yeah, we haven't had sex in over a week and it seems clear enough that we aren't going to's just weird cause it just stopped without having any kind of "breakup"'s just weird....I refuse to communicate and apparently she does too....makes me think of that Guns and Roses song that starts with the old person saying slowly... "What we have here is a communicate"

if you're uncomfortable and she can't open up to you maybe it's time to move on to someone else who appreciates you and knows how to communicate. and about the mutual friend thing it's not like they can judge you for anything that's going on with you and her and if they do they're sneaky brown-nosers with a hidden agenda who were never really good friends in the first place. f^ck em', better yet, DON'T! i wish you all the best!

hmmm, that's interesting...maybe I should just leave it alone for now and hope that once things blow over we'll maybe be able to discuss what happened someday.

venting is a start. Sometimes people have reasons for being closed off, but it's not fair of her to expect you to be open and not do the same for you. I'm really not sure how to get a sense of closure, I never got full closure with my ex and we started talking again a few months ago, and in the last month we started getting close again(long story there) but back when I was upset with him, i wrote him a letter, and revised it and sent him the revised version. Writing it helped a lot. The original version was for me to really vent and the revised version was for him to know what he put me through and it helped.