What Now?

Wow, where do I begin?? When it comes down to writting it all here, I just realize how hectic my life really is! And I don't know where to go from here. Or how to get rid of the pain. I have been having a lot of suicide thoughts recently, and I opened up to my current boyfriend as I thought it was the best option, but he didn't exactly give me the comfort I wanted. In the past, I tried taking my own life when times got hard. With an over dose after getting beat up by the third time by the same girls who were younger than me and putting me in hospital, I took the 'guilt and shame' out on those closest to me, that being my friends and family. Constant arguments and crying myself to sleep. I eventually pushed my friends away and all I had was my boyfriend, who I loved so damn much, and still bloody do, but foolishly pushed him away, he tried holding onto me, but i pushed him further and further, I even went and got a new boyfriend just to show him that i was over him, when really every night I longed for him. He moved to England.....it broke my heart. He has a new girlfriend now and we just remain friends. I still long for him even though I have a new steady boyfriend myself. I've been going with him now for 7 months. I had a miscarriage after four months of being together. I started getting fed up with him. One night I was out and this fella started giving me attention and trying it on with me, I enjoyed the attention as my current boyfriend doesn't really give me any. Feeling lonely and wanting to dump him, I took this other fella's number, even if we were friends. We continued texting, and met up and I told him how I've been wanting to dump my boyfriend for quite a while now, but couldn't bring myself to it. We shared a kiss, and it was perfect. He told me how he wanted to be mine and we made plans. We continued meeting up and he told me that the more time he spends with me the more he falls in love with me, and i thought that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I was falling for him. And you'll not believe it, but it was only a week from when we met. I eventully got round to dumping my boyfriend and was looking forward to telling my new man that I'm all his now. He couldn't wait. Instead when I met up with him that night, I had completely different news for him. I was pregnant. With my now ex-boyfriends child. He was heart broken, you could tell. He didn't have a clue what to say, and I felt like crying. All my life I said I wanted children young like 18-20 (I'm 19) and when it happens, its completely wrong timing. And for a while I was looking to break up with the boyfriend, and when I finally did, this happens. I told my new man that I understand if he doesn't want to stick around. He said he's got so much thinking to do. I let him think. He told me that he'd still like to see me, but can we slow things down, and that we shouldn't start a relationship now because he didn't want to get caught up in the middle of it all, thinking my ex boyfriend would beat him or something. He was even worried about what his parents would say to him dating a pregnant woman, whose child isn't his. I told him I didn't expect him to stick around. We talked about it forever. He still wanted to meet up with me and go with me because he said he really enjoyed being with me because I put a smile on his face. I had to tell my ex i was pegnant, and then we talked forever also. I then thought it best if I got back with him for the babies sake. We're giving things another go, and so far so good. As for the other fella, I told him that although we had a good time and I really liked him, there was no way it was going to work now, after this. He told me he really liked me too, and it was a pity really, but wishes me all the best. I'm glad it ended on good terms, but I still bloody miss him. That's that part of my life. Now for the other part. For the past three years I've been working towards my dream, and that was to go onto college in Galway. I got all my GCSE's, four different A-levels in Media, an OCN in media and I've been doing dj-ing around my local town and wedding video's. I also got to work as third assistant director in a documentary that was being filmed in my local town, and my teacher had got in contact and put my name in if they needed any help. They got in contact with me, and took me in. So basically I have a lot of experience in the media industry, what I was looking to study in Galway was film and televsion, ofcourse. I recently found out I didn't get accepted. I have yet to find out why. I tried to kill myself. Foolish, I know, but I didn't know what else to do. It's what I've dreamnt of the past three years of my life, its what I've talked about and worked for. And to get turned down, I couldn't cope. I've decided that I'm going to keep trying. But that's not all that's putting me down. I was recently caught one day after one another with no tax or insurance on my car (yes i took a chance to take it out for a drive) now I'm facing loosing my licence for a year and a heavy fine. For someone who had £0.00 balance, and doesn't get paid until the 21st of September. I had another road conviction last year and consulted a solicitor, who tried to charge me £150 for his services (which consisted of one phone call) who he didnt even turn up to court that day nor tell me when I was up. I have fefused to pay this fee. And now they are taking me to court with it also. I have two jobs, which I live for, full time in both of them. Morning to evening work in one, and evening to midnight in the other. We recently got a new assistant manager who is incharge of the rota and has taken a serious disliken to me (everyone hates her because of it) and instead of being a professional about the whole thing, she firstly cut my hours and I told her I don't give a ****, so now she is giving me no work what so ever. Now I have to try survive on my other job alone, which I get paid monthly and am taxed to the eye balls. So is there any point in it at all? Me and my mum seem to be arguing more often these days. She doesn't know I'm pregnant yet. I'm waiting to move out first before I tell her, that way she can't kick me out! I know she'll be disappointed in me BIG TIME. My older sister just after having a baby, she's only a year older than me and my mum went bulistic because she was so young and had her whole life ahead of her, plus she wasn't with the man long (like a month) My advantage is, that first, she got over my sister having a child and now loves her new grand daughter, so she might not be as hard on me, second, i do have my whole life ahead of me and having a child won't stop me like, and third, I've been with my man longer and things are looking pretty good right now with him. Yet I'm still depressed and suicide thoughts going through my head. I even started packing away things in my room so my mum or anyone won't have too when I'm gone. I'm not eating properly, which I really should be, with being pregnant and all, and I'm not sleeping properly at all. I'm having REALLY strange dreams, like real life, only surreal twist to them. I don't know who to turn too or where to get help. No one in my family. My boyfriend isn't exaclty helpful and I used to go to counselling, but it only made matters worse. I hate my GP. I have no teachers to turn too, as I'm not in school anymore. And I don't be at mass often, so I wouldn't know my priest and besides, I wouldn't feel comfortable in confiding in him. The only place I go to is my Daddy's grave. It's where I feel most comfortable and at ease, I can talk all day to him and tell him everything. But as for help and advice.....?? I dunno. I'm lost in my own worst night mare.
Lostsmile Lostsmile
18-21
Aug 30, 2008