I Feel Like In A Cheap Soap Opera...

So, I am 23 years old but sometimes time feels so relative that my age doesn't seem to matter. In order for you (thank's 4 reading!) understand kinda what I am going through I have to start from when I was 16 years old. ...

So there I was, at a disco party from my college, I love dancing! and l apreciate guys who knows how to dance nice... I just had broken up with a guy who decided to get back 2gether with his former girl without really telling me about it, so a month before that disco party, I broke up with him cuz I found out about his plan thank's to my cousin... ME, I have to broke up with a guy I still wanted by then, I have to be the one with the courage to end something I really didn't want to end... I still remember the date cuz it was our "aniversary" for being 2 months together... LOL.

Anyways, I was pretty "hurt" to be looking for another guy at my life, so at the disco party I devided to have fun with freinds and nothing more. So the soap opera started then. I was dancing with a guy who was hiting on me, which I found irritating in that moment, considering the recent events... So I was daincing like on my own when I turned my head back to find out that at a higher place inside the disco, there was a pair of guys dancing as pros, SO NICE!... ten seconds watching them dancing and I was already in love with one of them.. the one on my right I remember.

I can tell yet how did that happen... He was far from my place, I could bearly see his face but those moves... God I went crazy right away! I just stud there, and watch. Then I got tired so I grabbed a chair and watched some more. By the end of the night (almost, I had to go home) a friend went to ask him and his friends he was with, to dance with us, trying to get us together but he danced with her LOL, I mean she was the one who asked him right? ... minutes after it, she managed to make me stay with him 4 a while dancing and I was shaking!

I found him SO attractive, SO WEARDLY ATTRACTIVE! I couldn't believe my self! How could I feel that way for a guy I didn't know at all, for someone I just have meet that night, someone I didn't know anything from! I just got his name, age and school that day and I left.

That night, as soon as I arrived home I wrote about him, sort of a poem (I like to write thougts down) and that night I dreamt about him, he kissed me in my sleep and I felt it through my bones! CRAZY! The day after it, I happened to saw him walking just besides me, It gave goosebumps, but he was walking witn another girl... OUCH!

The next after, I SAW HIM AGAIN! going out the sports club I go to... I felt like passing out! lol. And I couldn't stop thinking about him anymore.. :( shoot! It became a burn for me after 3 months of thinking about him everyday! I even was scared of my self feeling I was an obsesive person already, and destiny was tricky! because everytime I was decided to let him behind, I found him somewhere in the city!

It was ridiculous! there are times I don't even see my neighbors for weeks! when they live INFRONT my house, but him, I found him even in my soup sometimes! Exactly the times when I was willing to forget him once for all. And when I wanted to see him even if I looked for him I wouldn't be lucky!

So, it became a habit 4 me every time I went outside my house, outside my neighborhood, I would look up for him... crossing my fingers... and I never succeded.  Time to time I used to find out something new about him, like his car brand or his friends faces, or where he used to work by then... It turned out that he was in this dance academy whit friends (the ones he was with the same I saw him 4 the first time) and they were something like pro dancers, who mainly put dances for fifteen-year-old girls. (for the big party we use to celebrate at mexico)

I spent an entire year like that! Writing like crazy inspired on him, dreaming about him, and looking 4 him. Every time I saw him he was with his girl, the very same I saw him with the nigth after I met him... I saw him in a couple of disco parties from my school, SO those events where very important for me! I used to go all dressed up, hopping to find him again. My friends even tried to pair us off once but he was with his girl so he declined the invitation... I didnt find that out until years later LOL.

So, soap opera facts happened again, I had to perform with another girl in a short movies festival that my mass media class was organizing for the end of the semester. I offered to dance cuz I like it and another girl I just met at that class joined me and she said she knew this guys (her friends) who danced well and who could helps us with it, SO I AGREE... right after she said that I felt I was going to have a surprise.

She told me then where to meet to talk with them and ZAP it turned out to be HIM and HIS friends,  the friends she was talking about! I felt like a joke! Finally a year after, when I was decided to leave him and all the ilusions and dreams about him behind; trying to get my self back to reallity repeting my self it was impossible to have someting to do with a person who didnt know me at all and who I was in love with with out any real basis...

I got the chance to met him! I was shaking that day I remember. I arrive early! I took my best friend with me, she was going to join us (Karen and I) to the performance thing, she was there mainly to support me! 

(WE ARE GETTING ALMOST TO THE MIDDLE, THANKS 4 READING!)

So, I met him (for real) on october 2003   ( I saw him for the first time on september, 2002  )  and I was there with the expectancy of finding out he was a jerk! that was my goal! taking him out of my head FOR GOOD, by then I was already TIRED of thinking about him that much! It was ridiculous! but i met him and found out he was just as I imagined... He was funny, leader of his group (which I appreciate too), he danced SO good still, he was handsome (wait that I already knew right? LOL), he has this sparkly spirit that just conquered me more! DARN...

Making the story shorter (trying) I became friends with all these guys, they all were amazingly nice! and a great friendship started then. He put me very nervous everytime so I couldn't really be myself when I was around (or at least I felt like it) The circle of friends consisted in 8 guys and 2 girls (Karen and I) ... out of 7 guys, 7 guys Hit on me ¬¬ , included his brother! he was the eighth.. :( ...

Those times were crazy i swear! I remember I felt like flying everytime he talked to me, everytime I got a  compliment from him! then, after a month so so, he looked more interested on me... sudenly he was inviting me to their parties too, and he was asking me not to leave everytime I was going to... thinks that made me feel on a dream 100%... then I found out he broke up with his girl (the same one! gosh!) so I was more than happy!

Time passed and I had to wait until january, 2004 to see my dream coming true! We started dating (as a couple) by then. I still can remember how he, tenderly, asked me to be his girl... that day.. THE DAY, I don't think I got any sleep... We were together for 2 months only... and those 2 months were like unreal for me, I was like in another world, I almost failed a subject, I didn't know what was going on on realy life, I only could think about him!

I was like a good in-love-teenager, drooling everywhere hahahaha! but as I said, we only lasted 2 months, SHARP!. Because once again it happened to me, he (too) dediced to get back together with his former girl with out telling me.. but as I always do, I found out so the very same we were going to be 2 months together I had to break up with him... just like that.

I found out in the morning thanks to a friend who told me he saw him one night before at a bar when that night he told me he was tired and he didn't want to go out with me or "anybody" ... :( so sad! SO SAD! I remember spending all day long crying like a baby. that night Karen's B.day was being celebrated at a bar and I was invited and he was too, SO I went there cuz I couldn't let another day pass with out talking to him about us. I went there with a minimal hope of a good excuse for his behavior lately (We have talked like 2 days before and he told me he was feeling confused and blabla) but when I got there I found him dancing as happy as always, with no worries or guilts...

I talked to him straigh and consice and he didn't refute anything of what I said, he just kinda apologize for not be prepared for a relationship for me, he hugh me and kissed me goodbye... I went out the bar desvastated... for real!

I cry him an ocean I may say. I fell in to a huge depression which I hide or try to for long, my will to eat was weak and all I could do right was sleeping.  hated guys more than no one else and I still was thinking about him everyday! his friends that were already mine too, I missed them but it was hard for me to hang out with them cuz he was there too.

But after a couple of months more or less, we started talkin (him and I) little by little and for then on everytime we talk being alone, we kissed or at leat we grabbed hands, he was always staring at me, huging me... CONFUSING ME SO BAD!

It was a burn for me! He was a burn in to my life yet I couldn't stop seeing him. By august I started dating again, honestly with the porpuse of letting him behind but I never could... I was affraid to see him again cuz I knew if I saw him I would 've cheated.. I KNEW IT! So if I ran in to him I tried to be brief and distant.

I dated 3 guys after him, actually 4, but it was with the 3rd that I felt I was totally over him! until I found him once after almost 2 years of not seeing him at all and I felt shivers...I realized he was still there, in my heart or thoughts, then when I lied to my boyfriend about seeing him that night.. I confirmed my theory, I WASNT OVER HIM YET! (that was on august 2006 ! ... DARN!

Time passed and we start talking again on msn little by little. I felt he was more accesible to talk than before (there was a time when he used to avoid me I felt) and we start having kinda a frienship... he was living in another city, then when he came back,  I went to live in to another city so facing each other was sort of impossible...

(I WILL GET IN TO THE POINT I PROMESS!)

So, time passed, I broke up with the guy who almost made me forget him (he cheated on me among other stuff) and I by January, 2009, I went to ACAPULCO with my friends as a graduation trip, IT WAS AWESOME!

So there it comes the second important part of this whole situation. Let me name for you the guy I've been talking about for so long now, let's call him J.B.. So in that Acapúlco's trip, something totally diferent for me happened... something sometimes I think was more than ment to be because of the way things went out that night...

Me and my friends had a plan for that friday night. STAY AT THE HOTEL and drink together until sunrise if it was possible. that was the plan! But it turned out that a friend of my was working at a bar as a D.J. by then and he found out I was there so he decided to inviting me and my friends to his bar. He met me at the restaurant where we were having dinner and he insisted in taking us that night out. After a while he conviced us all, telling us it was going to be a free entrance and cheap costs inside. So we went back to the hotel to get ready to go out!

I was tired of guys! I arrange my hair and wore a skirt FOR ME. I didnt go out with any conquest in mind, I even told my friends I was going out TO DANCE and CERO GUYS PLEASE! that was the plan! .. SO we got to the bar my friend was working out and at the entrance he let me know guys were charged that night about 25 dlrs each...plus the consume inside... It turned out to be more expensive than we thought. Besides the place was EMPTY so we didnt go in.

But we were already out, dressed up and with the party spirit! lol. So we took a taxi that told us about a place that every body goes at acapulco! so he convicend us and minutes after, we were going in to this place. I was tired and feeling kinda down, so much I didn't even was really dancing... SO (my curse) I looked up to this little platform the place has and I found a guy dancing on it, He was wearing a hat I remember so I could really see his face, I wasn't even interested on his appearence, just in the way he was dancing.

HE WAS AMAZING I have to say, just amazing! He wasn't wearing anything above his hips and to be honest he was in great shape, but again the way he was moving WAS AWESOME! So I stud there AGAIN, watching him dance.. after a while he went down and disappear. The night went old and I forgot about him, I was tired and desperated, I wanted to go back to the hotel to be honest. So when we were leaving, a friend had to wait for a thing she was going to be given to, so we waited for her.

Having nothing to do, I found out the same guy I saw before was dancing in another paltform that was infront of me, SO I told to my self "It wont happen again I'll see him dance until I get tired, I'll enjoy it as much as possible, then I'll turn around, leave and never think about him again, I won't make any contact or anything like that" and I started staring at him.

Watchin every single move, enjoying every single second of it. My friends, they saw me and joined me, we were all kinda crazy about him.. actually I dare to say every girl at the bar was crazy about him (no I can tell I wasn't wrong!) So there we were, 5 chicks in a row watching him dance... OBVIOUSLY we got his attention, he is used to it, that's his job actually so suddenly we realized he was dancing TO US!

He was making this extremely hot moves, looking towards us, delighting us LOL. We couldn't really tell who he was looking at specifically but he definitely was looking our way. After a great "show" he came down the platform and danced a little more with a couple of canadian girls that were waiting 4 him.

He didn't pay them to much attention and he started walking towards the table we were at. I was willing to give him a look you know, not to stay with the hunch of doing it, I was going to flirt just for fun with out expectancy... He walking seemed so slow then... but with this I-don't-know-what,, but breath taking that I was already shaking!

So when he was almost passing besides me, I was going to look him straigth in to his eyes, to see his face FINALLY cuz I haven't looked at him that near... So I turned a little to be able to do that when I felt this soft lips on my cheek ... giving me a tender kiss... I happened SO fast but I can remember it as if it was in slow motion!...  It was him, giving me a kiss, he looked at me (I must have looked so surprised!) and then he kept walking. I was frozen then! My friends were frozen too... It was impossible to happen! but it did.

Right after it, it was time to leave (I didn't want to anymore LOL) but we were going to walk so my friends decided to go to pee first so I went with them or at least that was the plan. when we were going donw the stairs he was coming up . He saw me and started talking to me. I staid with him and he even told my friend not to worry, they kept walking, he kept asking questions being very emphatic in my love status I AM SINGLE i said and he made me swear it.

After that he pull me and drove me to a quieter place.. A more private place... :| LOL. And he kissed me all the sudden!  So we made out for a while there. I was having so many thoughts in my head! I swear I have never done something like that before! I felt like in a movie LOL. He was so intense...things were so unreal! I was so nervous, exited, happy, surprised, confused.. EVERYTHNG!

So I stopped it. If not we would've gone further. And I couldn't let that happen... I 've never made out with a stranger before! I was surprised of my self! So he told me thinks flirty guys do and he didnt let me go, he kept kissing me saying he couldn't stop.. it was nice to be honest .. LOL. Finally I left, we saw to each other and he said on the distance " YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL" ... and i left.

That was it. I went with my friends, they ran into him when they were coming back from the restroom and he told them he has leaved me as he found me and that they could be calm. ... We went to the hotel and I started to regret not doing anything more.. :S... Thoughts went in to my head and suddenly as it always happened, I had like a thousand things to say to him and another thousand things to do with or to him... but it was late already.

I remember my friends telling me I should've dared to have an adventure.. but I know i did right! Cuz I thought about all the posible problems and all I can thing about actually was in the lack of "protection" (preservative ¬¬ )  I felt I was going crazy by having thoughts I've never had before.

Anyways, it was such a impressive experience that I couldn't resist, I HAD TO SEE HIM AGAIN DANCING AT LEAST, I went back to the bar! I staid out side the place at least an hour just to see him dance... and then I decided to get in thanks to a friend that came with me... The plan was walking inside, looking for him if I found him GOOD if i didn't I would leave immediately. I was just going to walk around the place, ran out in to him or nothing...

But my friend cheated! he came inside after me and saw him and told him I was there looking for him so when I was almost going out they both found me on the way and as soon as he saw me, he grabbed me and kissed me so intensely that took my breath away! He asked me why was I there again? why did I come back? he was surprised and I was too cuz he remember about me as soon as my friend told him my name...

My friend says (I dont know) that when he told him I was there looking 4 him he went mad trying to find me too... I don't know. This guy, let's name him Gino. ..

So we made out some more, thinks happened and then he asked me to wait for him until he went out of work (aprox 6 am) I was there sited where he left me, then he joined me to "dinner", he bought 2 hot dogs one for me and one for him and meanwhile we were eating them we started talking little about us... But we were getting along as if we knew each other for a while already!

I felt so weird! So different. I was talking to a guy I bearly knew yet feeling as confortable as been with a friend for year.. as been at home ... :S After having dinner and me feeling so great there. We went to his place. He treated me like a familiar person. He show me his modest place, he got me a water, he seemed such a tender guy! the way he talked, the things he said...

He seemed to be such a different person from who I saw dancing on that platform... SO AMAZINGLY ENIGMATIC...

So yes, We went to bed together and it was (until then) the MOST great sexual experience I have ever had! The air with ocean aroma, the sound of a city that was barely waking up, the light in the sky, right when it isn't dark anymore but you can see the sun yet, the music he picked... I was 22 and h was 27... Suddenly the situation came to feel perfect...

He took me to my hotel and we didnt want to say goodbye yet, We saw the daybreak... we saw the sun in the middle of the sky (noon) and we were outside the hotel still talking, dancing, kissing... He took me there as I said about 7 am and he left arounf 2 pm or so cuz I was going back home that day at 3 pm so so.

He asked me to stay with him, He told me he wanted to have kids with me and he was saying so many drunk stuff I was getting scared LOL. He was having some beers with the friend taht came with me the night before, the one who told Gino I was back at the bar looking for him. So they were drunk and both were talking about me staying and me with him  and blabla.

Things seemed a dream. A cheap coincidence soap opera! I was amazed... I was self surprised, thinking I never thougth I was capable of that... i had my "one-night-stand" with a guy I really liked since I saw him 4 the 1st time, with a guy a hundred of other girls wanted to take home to that very same night... and he kept telling me "You must be that kind of woman that gets who ever she wants right?" ...

I came back to my city but i came back with his movil number, and his e-mail... I don't know yet if asking 4 them was a good idea... and I don't know either if i would've been able to live with knowing from the person I slept with afterwards!

So destiny mock me again.... I started thinking about him to much to be good. And we started having contact via MSN, he called me love and I called him BABY... and when I realize, I was kinda having an internet relatioship! LOL!

NOW, the soap opera stuff comes in!

It was the end of january when a mutual friend for J.B. and Me invited me for beer after long 3 years of not seeing each other (aprox) I accept happy to see him and he change the plan at the last minute, instead of going to a bar we were going to his house and instead going alone, he invited J.B. Too... I found that out, when I arrive to the meeting point and I saw them there, waiting for me. But surprisingly, that night I found out J.B. was no longer affecting my nerves, or my heart beat or my desire for him!

GOSH! i remember telling my friends the next day I was cured finally! hahahaha I was so happy to be able to talk to him as a friend finally, to hug him with out being all shaky or exited to have him near! It was amazing, having a feeling that had been hunting me for 7 years off! So J.B. in that reunion and as  a motive of his lack of girlfriend in that time, let me know he was going to make a party at a cabin and I was invited , for san valentine's day!

I didn't have any compromise either for that date so I went! Happy cuz I was going to share time with a person that finally was my FRIEND! and after not seeing him for a while I was happy to be able to spend time with him. I went with another girl friend. We were with the best mood to party and we arrived finally.

He was really surprised of me showing there up, he was glad I went. The night was smooth, nice. we were talking around the bonfire, EVERYTHING SEEM NORMAL. He didn't stop telling me how glad and how surprised he was for my presence... and when I try to say goodbye he hold me and started to tell me a bunch of stuff I couldn't believe!

(THANKS 4 READING THIS MUCH! )

He said he likes me since always, he apologized for what he did to me and he regret it... He asked me for another chance telling me how wonderfull he thinks I am, he didn't stop saying things for aobut 10 minutes. He was all accelerated, almost begging for a chance with me, saying he knew I was the person he wanted with him.. I was amazed!

I never thought he was ever going to say things like that again! Then he kissed me! after 3 and something years after our last kiss.. I felt so weird! I was in shock! I didnt know what to say, what to do... So I left trying to convince him he was drunk.. actually trying to convince my self he was drunk.

Since then, we started dating, going out to the movies, to have an ice cream.. stuff like that, and almost every time he would ask me for a chance.... BUT i was already thinking in Gino! and Gino's thought stopped me for having a serious relationship with J.B.

Gino was the perfect reason not to get my self into a relationship were I was going to get hurt as I always do. So Gino was my emergency exit. He was perfect (almost) I mean a guy who telled me things I wanted to hear, only when I needed to be told, he was far away from my city so I didn't own him any explanation of my life, any parte of my time, NOTHING!...

So things started to get hard for me. On one hand I had this impossible and unreal handsome. popular 28 (already) old guy who was near me, telling me things I wanted to hear, making feel like someone special when I know I was one more from his repertoire  (yes I found out thinks through his HI5 cuz he gave me his password so I could erase his messages on his behalf, as a favor  ¬¬ )

and on the other hand, I had this person that I dreamt of for so long! since I was 16, a guy I gave up with, ending my expectancies of ever have him back telling me everything he did on that feb. 14th! .... Is like, my dream with him was finally coming true! You know, when u break up with someone, and it was "his fault" usually you imagine him coming back, asking you to forgive him, telling you how wonderfull he thinks you are.. HAHAHA and I had that, 5 years later! ¬¬...

So I was so in to GINO I didn't really let J.B. in but I went out with JB to force my self to forget GINO who I knew was trouble since the beggining.

Even so, I went back on march to see GINO, with the expentancy of having nice conversation with him, to have more from him than him at his bed, you know? .. but that never happened :( .... I saw him, he hug me so hard! he kissed me and sigh.. he took me to his place, and things happened. He took me back and then we so each other the next night.. ¬¬ I went to the bar where he works at and that's when I saw him, NOTHING MORE ¬¬

SO I came back with the ilusion still of having a "normal" time with him, Talking about him, about me, share NORMAL TIME!

JB was still there for me, He kept trying and I had a blast with him everytime we went out together but my fear of getting hurt again, my distrust in guys for waht happened to me (specially with my former boyfriend) were bigger than my desire to be with him in a relatioship. I was like skeptic to relatioship,. to love.. yet I was imaging myself with GINO... ¬¬

I gave JB a chance after I came back from acapulco. but things didnt really work so I told hik we better stop seeing each other, he agreed and we went out next week again LOL. We started kissing again about a month after that and I say yes to his "do you want to be my girl" by may  so so. But I never stopped talking with Gino, never stopped calling him baby, never really told him I was going out with some, cuz the day I kinda suggest it, he stop talking to me ...

JB, knowing I was having a hard time to trust in him as a boyfriend and in general having a hard time with having a relationship, didn't really pay attention to it so I broke up with him a day before I was going on family vacation, which include a couple of nights at acapulco too.. :S

SO I so Gino once more, and once more I never got not even five minutes to talk as normal people.. We got laid again.. and it wasn't that amazing as the 1st time anymore... I was so sad and disappointed WITH MYSELF cuz I knew already what kind of guy he was, yet I was there betting everything to him... or almost everything!

I came back from acapulco sad again, repeting to my self I had to leave that guy once and for all! knowing he was distroying me so bad taht he might had made me lose a chance I had been waiting for YEARS!

I started talking to JB about a month after it, he was kinda ofended by me broking up with him.. ¬¬ and I was kinda ofended cuz he never called me back or so after it... LOL but we started dating again and suddenly, with out me noticing it, by october I started to beahve as a girlfriend with him... this time he was so different! So tender, so kind and loving with me...

but I kept talking to Gino... time to time Gino said nice thinks... cute thinks I may say. He asked me to visit him again and some days he wouldn't even talk to me on MSN, not answering my "HI" back... He is SO WEIRD! So hard to know.

He has asked me like 4 times to marry him... then he can stop talking to me for days, then be rude and at the next week he talks to me as If i were the most important girl in his life... JB treats me sooo king and loving, he is (you can say) the best boyfirend I have had since I can remember, people tell all around he is trully in love! he does things for me no one ever has, things I would do to someone too.. I feel we are so alike!

I still like him (since the very 1st time I ever saw him!), and we seem to understand each other so well... He is completely another guy! that's so in to me.. that I can't believe it... I CAN'T because of all we have been trhough since we met... I know he is a great shoot! I know I do have strong feeling 4 him. My parents like him so much! my entire family, my friends! He is great!

Yet i feel bad cuz I can't stop thinking about Gino who until today, Feb, 22, 2010, keeps calling me HIS LOVE, and I keep telling him baby time to time. I still dream about him, about visiting him. I still log in  looking only 4 him. I have compared his body with my boyfriends! sometimes I hug JB and I am thinking about Gino...

I just don't know what to dooooooooo! I know I love JB I know that's the real deal and I knoiw too the kind of guy that Gino is, I know he's no serious with him but I can't stop believing that Gino some how has me in a special place apart from all the other girls he meets every friday! He keeps telling me he wants to marry me, he says time to time how cute and wonderful he thinks I am. 

Lately he has dedicated me songs again... And I KNOW I KNOW he is not for real yet I can't stop thinking about him! I can't stop looking sometimes for a way to see him once again! and If i havent done certain things is because I know I have to respect my relationship! But the simple thougth of stop talking to Gino makes me sad, makes me almost going mad... I dont want to. I can't.

I just don't know what to do! CUz like I said, I do love my boyfriend and I am aware of how a great relatioship and how a great guy I'll be tradding 4 an ilusion, 4 a guy that has as many girls as you can imagine to have! Some that only cares how many more girls he gets next week!..

But Gino, sometimes he says things that make me think he do have feelings, sometimes I could swear he's being honest and I even get worried cuz i think is not fair for him not to know I have boyfriend already... and I know is not fair for my boy friend that I don't tell Gino I have a boyfriend.... I feel I am I cheater! I feel I am cheating and eventhough, every day my relationship with JB grows stronger I still have weak days when I have crazy thoughts about going away to meet Gino...

 I feel I am going crazy sometimes! And I really dont know what to do! I mean I am leaving the dream come true with JB but  I have still in mind the great adventure with Gino and that's killing me!

What to do to take Gino out of my mind? To succed? To finally convince my self I have to let him go after a year of met him?

Thank's So much for whom read it all! Any comentary will be good, no matter the part of the big sotry it refers to.

Lailasel Lailasel
22-25, F
Feb 23, 2010