Is This The End?

I am a 50 year old married woman withering on the vine.  My husband is a good man but has serious health issues.  We have small children and I would never consider leaving him.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  We haven't had sex in several years and I just don't think I can do without passion and great sex one more day.  I miss kissing the most.  I would love to meet a nice man in a similar situation but haven't been able to find someone who is a gentleman.  I'm not interested in comments about the morality of the situation.  I've struggled with this decision for many years but I feel like I need to take control of my  life to become healthy and whole.
Olivia713 Olivia713
51-55, F
92 Responses Jul 17, 2010

**** That be messed up cause of his health issues ? Really ? Buy sex toys or something theres alternatives but to go down that road that's pretty low some people aren't blessed wit good health I guess u think otherwise

Well I'm a man, and I would love to get to know you better. I strongly believed that we can create sparks and start talking and getting to know each other. I do feel your pain and if its in my reach we can always work something out.'

Totally understand I'm in a very similar situation.

I am in a similar situation...I chose the road you are thinking about taking. I found a lady who is very understanding, very passionate and very discreet. I have been in this relationship for nearly 3 years. It is a decision only you can make for yourself. If this is what you decide,you have to be prepared for the many feelings that will arise...not only for you but for your sexual partner. I wish you the best no matter what your decision is.

Is he ok with you having sex with another man?
I am available be your lover

You're not alone Olivia. My SO also lost interest in behind closed doors activity years ago and before that wasn't very comfortable with it. I'm a very honest person and I believe strongly in upholding to my responsibilities as a father and will continue to do so. I however was unable to go without after so many years. So I have been bad if you will define it as such.

if you no problem, i will solve your sexy feelings, enjoy your life with me, if your living in Hyderabad please send us your cell no i will meet you

Hi Olivia, what ever happened in your situation?

So far this year we have made love twice. The last time was Feb1st. I know the feeling. Each year it gets less and less. I miss kissing, forplay, and sex!

i am a husband in a simular situation - wife with health issues - i wouldnt leave her - but think there is a time to seperate love from sex - other wise one goes crazy - --

Wouldn't it be easier if we dumped the baggage of "monogamy'? Seriously, it's the root of many of our problems.

i have a very similiar wife has rheimatoid arthritis....and lung cancer...i take care of her when i am at home...and work the rest to the would be great to have someone to share intimacy...and that doesnt only mean sex...someone to just hold me and a good man...or listen as i share the frustrations ...or listen to them share know that someone else is in the same situation

have you discused this with him. you should comunicate your problems. or has his health gone to far,too long ?

dearest olivia713 i am so moved by your plite i as a male, have a similar situation with my wife. my wife suffers with depresion is taking medication and is under a doctors care. she . like your husband is a good person however she has never cared about my needs as much as i care for her ever since we married she does not sleep with me which hurts me so so much. yes. i have been with another lady and will try to be again if i can find a good lady with needs as mine. i truly believe that such very discrete intimacy is very very important for a person male or female for their own mental and physical health keep trying there are many good and gentile men out there antonas

Hi Olivia, you are still at a vibrant age an I can identify with the feeling as if life is going on without me, I too feel desperate and will find someone who will to share this energy and good health God has blessed me with. I have too much to offer when it comes to love and sex. I must also advise to carefully screen who you going to sleep with.

1. I would never consider leaving him. 2. I just don't think I can do without passion and great sex one more day.
Put your cards on the table ......find out what your lover it

love can come in different forms

He is a good man-----I beleive even though I haven"t met him----The big issue is your needs----If you look----You may beleive it not fall in love----what will you do?----do you beleive it thats simple----Olivia---I'm the man and your not that far----I'm am Worldly and will please you but if we really fall in love its our lost-----I will not slit a family apart.

I am in a very similar situation to yours, albeit a bit older than yourself. Nobody has the right to be judgemental and you are the only person who can decide what is ethical or not in your life. <br />
It my impression you are giving a lot of yourself without receiving enough in return due to a situation which is no one's fault, your children need all the parenting from you, your husband's health makes emotional and physical demands on your energy. <br />
In my personal opinion, it is perfectly legitimate and necessary to seek to fulfill your emotional and physical needs, and though it is not easy to find a soul mate, it is not impossible. Do not despair, keep an open mind, find a way to have 'alone time' for your own activities. <br />
Wishing you lots of luck, love and passion!

I have to say that I was in same situation, only both our health situations were bad.We both remained faithful for 15 years of a sexless marriage and are now separated due to other issues, We are still best frriends after a 24 year marriage and a 40 year friendship. It can and does work.

I miss kissing too. A good old fashion make-out session

I know the feeling,

at least your husband has an excuse for you not getting fulfilled, it could be worse.

we all deserve to be happy Olivia. Once you are ready to act you need no ones blessing but your own. Do what makes you happy. Best Wishes DP

Hi Olivia, I am in a similar situation and would love to experience a close intimate and sensual encounter also. Would you like to meet and discuss????

Ditto here too...., it would be helpful to be able to interact with others in a similar situation, please feel free to contact me if it is OK with you.

I see this was written in 2010. Did you have an affair and if so how did it work out?

You have taken a bold step in the right direction, but remember one thing lead to the other.

You have taken a bold step in the right direction, but remember one thing lead to the other.

You have taken a bold step in the right direction, but remember one thing lead to the other.

to Olivia713 you are not alone..obliously there are many of us are who are more than willing to have an afair..( myself included ) I too live in a community where an affair is nearly impossible ..I am hearing but live in a deaf wife who..a wonderful woman but also deaf has lost all interest in your friends here suggest tell your spouse that you want to go outside your marriage for sex like I plan to do seem what happens..lets hope we both find some willing in our redpective ares<br />
..good luck

Hi Olivia713,<br />
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Your story has a familiar ring to it, I, like my father said, I don't take advise and I don't give it, so I won't start now..Sex...unlike cake or candy or other such things are " wants " not " needs " can we live without these things? sure. But.. most people "need" the closeness of another person because humans are basically a social creature and that is part of our social make up given to us by our creator. <br />
In your case ( and mine ) many peoples spouse want to give that warmth and closeness but for what ever reason can't, being the creatures we are we must seek what we need else where with the blessings of our spouse. If the shoe were on the other foot in our house I would help her find that special companion, and yes if it lead to her wanting to leave I would hope she would tell me.<br />
As for me and my morality, I have always believed in marriage one time and forever, but with me that wasn't to be, my 1st wife hated to be touched my any one including me, her mother raised her that sex was dirty, my 2nd wife said she gave everything she had to her 1st 2 husbands so there was nothing left for me, I also found out she had a really bad child hood and an abusive 2nd husband who by the way was a minister. and wife #3 is wonderful but has had many female operations so can't really have sex..or she's willing but there isn't any passion there and yes I love my wife more than anything and wouldn't leave her, her 1st husband passed away many years ago. so go and be happy and don't worry about the morality

I know people think that telling people in a sexless marriage to sit down and talk to their partners is good advice, but many people in sexless marriages are married to self-absorbed men and women. I have been a relatively sexless marriage for years and found that the neglect extends far beyond sex. In my case there is very little engagement in general and a conversation about the lack of sex in my marriage would be meaningless. Example? We went to a therapist at my insistence and the therapist met with us twice and then said that he didn't think talk therapy would work but he proposed finding a sex therapist for us. To my surprise in front of the therapist my husband agreed, but the truth is that he never mentioned it again. He never asked again about the therapist we saw about the promise of going to a sex therapist. It was just never mentioned again. It was as if the suggestion had never been made. Talk about feeling invisible. But why do people think that if you talk to a partner they are going to react? Maybe we have to live with the reality that they don't care how you feel about lack of sex and affection. It is not their problem. It is yours. You are suffering, he is not. Anyhow, good luck to you. I hope you find someone to pay attention to you.

Im a youn 18 yr old and If your in Houston Texas I would be willing to have sex with you

So many of you trapped in situations, or you feel you are trapped. Yes it is extremely hard to "change" your life in a direction that will make you happy. That is something that can truly be debated. Happiness, you make yourself miserable because, you have children, you have religious beliefs, or you truly love your mate, but they do not reciprocate. 17 years I was with a man that basically didn't know I exisisted. I became a "mouse". Didn't do any good to talk to him, he didn't listen. Yes, we are catholic (oh, and he is italian). Of course because of the kids (2), I hung on. Because of finances, I hung on. Because of my Father who actually liked him, I hung on. One day, out of the blue, for a split second, I thought about suicide, and it scared me to death (no pun intended). My kids were growing, didn't need me as much, and I remember thinking, what happens when they are gone and it is just him and me? No, no way, enough. It was very, very hard, and the most difficult decision to make, but I made it. I left, the husband, house, kids, everything. I left with the beater car (not my brand new family jeep) and what would fit in it as far as my clothes went and yes, I left. To try to explain everything that went on before I left and why I made that particuliar decision, I would need to write a book. Yes, family was shocked, how can you leave your kids. How about this-they will be in the same house, same school, and same friends. Ex refused to leave the house, so I did. I was not going to drag my kids to a little 2 bedroom house and change their lives completely. I was the one that needed to change, not them. That was 14 years ago, and yes, I married the man I was having an affair with who too was very, very lonely and having extreme problems with his ex. Even after all of this, some of my now husbands' family look down upon me, but I don't care. I am truly happy for the first time in my 50+ years on this earth, and so is my wonderful husband. As the old and very wise saying goes, "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes".

I am you, married with young children. What I would not give to be intimate with a woman in a simimilar situation. We have needs that are not being meet, and it does make us sad.

Oh my, I feel so sad for all of you. Somewhere along the line in time you have lost touch with what it is mean to be loved. You all allowed what societies, beliefs, religions and others (those that have no important in your life) to caged you from the living the life it was intended to be. I know it scary to imagine divorce or being alone but you were alone prior to the union. Fears have plaque you all and robbed you of being love, to give love, receive love and share love. Be brave talk to your spouse first and give them the chance then hope that'll change but I highly doubt that. If that doesn't help then it is time for you to evaluate to see if you are really living or are you pretend to live as it is a show for the people around you of an idea or definition which defined by others what is life. I'm sad for those who have stuck on for so many years. Love does bind you in a piece of paper but it the mutual agreement to share a love which don't include denied your spouse needs. Love is a free will to give, share and to receive. Leaving is never easy but it is a part of life. Who is to judge that happiness is sinful? If it is then why would you even being created to have such complicated body parts? If it is sinful to have consensual sex or intimacy the all the animals too is sinful. Basic common sense and basic common instict. We are made with a purpose with love and that is what those body parts are made for and to function together as one. Enjoy the love that you are intended for. Your kids are made the same as you so the will come to learn the same. If you think by living unhappy and suppress you needs is helpin it is not. It only teach them to be living an I filling life like you. If divorce you fear then you need to understand it is not the divorce that is negative but it is how you handle it that make the end result. If you divorce and understand that you still will always love and care for your spouse but only at a different way then before. There is no wrong way to love someone. Love is alway right but never easy.

Being a noob to this site all I can say is wow - so many people like me in the same boat. I know life isn't a dress rehearsal, but ensuring my kids get a good upbringing is my number 1 priority. As sex is on my mind quite frequently, I feel it does effect my day. I don't feel my days are as productive because my mind is always wandering. <br />
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Sometimes life feels like a prison sentence. I know it sounds gloomy but my children are all under 6 and I dont know how enjoyable the years ahead will be.

I just joined this site a few days ago because, like you, I am really frustrated. It is amazing how many men and women are in the same situation as us. Olivia, I wish my wife wanted a sexual relationship like you do. I don't have any advice for you, at least from my experience, that can help. I hope this isn't "as good as it gets" in a sexless marriage. Does writing a post on this website help?

Nothing weird but I am 19 male. My name is Aakash Trivedi. I am from California. You are a sweet, intelligent, and beautiful woman and I would love to maybe give you my number? We can just talk and chat about anything. Any problems that you want to rant/vent about, tell me! If you ever feel bored or lonely? Again, nothing weird hahahaha. 1 408 772 8919. Text or call maybe? Just tell me who you are haha

I am in a very similar situation, but I will not leave my wife. I care about her, and I don't want to start over again. We could become friends if you want to. Let me know.

I can relate! my wife has lost her desire. since menopause not only does she not have the desire, it hurts her. begged her to go to the doctor but she keeps putting it off. she is about 40 pounds overweight that makes her self conscious. so... what do we do? have always found black women to be so sexy. I have been with 1 black woman and it was the best!

Having had affairs in the past I can say they do ad a lot of excitement to a bad relationship and almost always end up with the 2 people wanting to be together more and more. In the end none turned out as planned. It always seemed the woman were the ones really looking for somethng that was missing and once they found it or some part of them was restored went back home and stayed there.<br />
As my punishment for the past I now have a SM with my soulmate and having learned from previous affairs would love to find a woman in the same situation just need a few hours now and then of kissing and passion and lovemaking ,who can handle it and not destroy either home situation. I really believe it could work and the question is for both a husband and a wife in this situation, is where to find someone.<br />
It would be nice to find and unhappy wife to meet up with, help restore each other’s self esteem and then go back home knowing secretly that there is someone out there to get together with, when are getting too tough to deal with. <br />
I would love nothing better than to spend a day or half a day in bed naked with a woman needing the same , kissing , touching, holding each other, responsive to oral stimulation and enthusiastic about it all.<br />
If the end I ended up inside then that would be a bonus, but not the only requirement. I need the passion.

I sat and talked to my husband for a full 10 years of our 21 yr marriage when he gave up on sex, I tried ****, sexy underwear, trips away without the kids and nothing worked for more than a few days at a time. My confidence was so low at the end of the 10 years that when a guy made a pass at me I thought he was making fun of me, I was 46 at the time and believed that no-one could ever find me attractive. My husband had no health issues at all and to this day I have no idea why he stopped wanting sex, he would not go for marriage guidance or counselling or to the doctor. <br />
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I did eventually take up the offer of the guy who made the pass at me and we started an affair. He too had a sexless marriage and had been rejected by his wife for 6 years before we got together. The affair was the most exciting time of my life and we continued it for over a year without my husband being even slightly aware(just so long as his shirts were ironed and a meal on the table). <br />
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Eventually we decided that we wanted more than just a few stolen moments together so we both told our families that we were leaving to make a life together. His wife asked him to stay so she would'nt have to face the embarrassment of telling her family/neighbours, she was willing to let him spend time with me for sex if he would keep up appearances. My husband was furious and told me I had destroyed his self confidence (welcome to my world!).<br />
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Yes we left some unhappy people in our wake, but sometimes we have to look out for ourselves, especially when those who are in our lives dont actually notice we are there. So we have been together now for 8 years and have just got married, it has not been without its problems of course, but I wouldnt change a thing

Its true it is so many of us,I have been married for 12 years to a much older man that has health issues and we don't have sex that much and its frustrates me im only 34,and I want to have sex,its sad how many people are in the same situation. Hope we all find.friends with benefits and don't forget to have fun and wrap it

Hi Olivia, It appears you have the exact opposite problem I had, but I believe they have the same solution: Open, honest, and loving communication. My husband opened up to me, letting me know that he needed some sort of affection in his life, even the simplest thing as a hug. He needed SOMETHING. There was no ultimatum, no animosity. Nothing negative. He simply stated that as a healthy human being, he needed that in his life, even if it came by way of a nice massage at the hands of another woman. I totally understood that. As it turned out, I needed the same thing. We came to a solution by talking about it. I think if your husband is a decent man, he will totally understand, and work with you to resolve the issue. Maybe easier siad than done, but at least you can talk about it. I think it is imperative that couples take the time to open up and talk about how each is feeling. And make it a very caring and loving talk; I've written stories about it, if you care to read them. Good luck. I'm glad I came across your story.

All I can say is be sure this is really what you want to do Olivia because I used to work as a therapist for couples and I've yet to see where an affair has actualy worked out for the betterment of a marriage. If you went ahead with it and it's found out wich they almost always are then be prepared for the backlash from parents, children, and most important your husband, because even if your marriage stays together things will never be as good or the same. I hope your able to work things out with yourself.

tjscooter......physically and mentally attracted I get that.

Pulling this 'painfully common' experience from the shadows of things-that-we-just-don't-talk-about, and talking about them is in a way- both soothing, and productive. Thank you all for making it so difficult to feel so all-alone.

Gee, there are a lot of responses out there, enjoy

I just join this group, it is good to know that ....I'm not alone in this. I'm hurting so over this. I will share my story later . Still reading over stories the same as mine.

No matter how much we love someone, without passion it can be very hard to stay in a sexless marriage. Sex is without a doubt a big part of the passion. Sorry to hear that your spouse has serious health issues. Not knowing what his health issues are it is hard to recommend alternatives. I wish you the very best. I can relate to your dilemma in a way. My wife does not have health issues; she just does not enjoy being intimate any more. Best of luck!

After reading all the comments and stories I am amazed at how many of us are in the same or like situation. What is going on?

You owe to yourself to get the physical contact you need. You have to have contact from another if for no other reason than to validate yourself as a human being.

You should find a man to have an affair with. I am married to a man 14 years older and we had/have many issues in our marriage but once I decided to have an affair I can't live without the passion, the desire for a man, the sex, the initimacy, and the sexual closeness. My marriage is even better for it. You might have to sort throug many men to find one that is right for you but it is worth the effort.

I doubt your marriage is actualy better for having the affair.

Jeff, I understand what you're saying, but I have to respectfully disagree. I found that my marriage improved when I was having an affair. As much as I love my wife (and I DO love my wife), after years of refusal there is/was anger, bitterness, and resentment there too. Those bad feelings tainted everything. Almost every evening when we went to bed, rather than feeling loving or even feeling nothing, I felt resentment and felt cheated. But with a lover taking the pressure off, those bad feelings disappeared. If my wife didn't want anything physical - so what. When she was no longer blocking any outlet for my sexuality, I was no longer angry with her. I was no longer resentful.

Whether you choose to believe it or not, the affair really did improve our relationship. Was it ideal - no. Was it all that it should have been - again, no. But it was better than when I was seething with anger and resentment.

SuntObosit said what I felt, I stopped feeling angry and resentful towards my husband. I also agree that it is not the ideal atmoshere in a marriage to have an affair, but divorcing would have led to so many more problems. I might have a screwed up marriage but it is a much less screwed up marriage than it was.

First, let me say that I wish you all the best. I am exactly where you are. I’ve tried several times to find a lover, but success has eluded me.<br />
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A little background – I am now 55 and I have been in a sexless marriage for 36 years. We didn’t have premarital sex and didn’t actually have marital sex for about 11 years. She wanted a baby, so we did it a few times until she got pregnant and then it was over. She clearly found it distasteful and that kind of sucked all the joy out of it for me too. <br />
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You don’t say if your husband would be OK with you taking a lover, but since that would be highly unusual, I’m going to assume that this would be a clandestine affair. My situation is that way. My wife has no doubt in her mind that it’s a big problem for me, she refuses to even talk about it, much less try to address it, but she would be absolutely devastated if she found out that I had even looked elsewhere. I love her very much and I don’t want to either end the marriage or hurt her, but the lack of any physical affection is killing me – and it’s, not just sex, but the whole works: kissing, cuddling, etc.<br />
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Not finally to the meat of this. If I’m reading you right, you’re looking for what I have looked for (and would still love to find). Not a one night stand, not an occasional roll in the hay to take the edge off, but someone with whom I could have a physical relationship. I didn’t want somebody who was promiscuous, but rather somebody in a situation like mine where we could offer each other what was missing in our otherwise satisfying marriages. I’ve failed miserably. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit to serial cheating, but there have been four.<br />
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The first one was the best sex ever. It was hot and passionate beyond desc<x>ription. But alas, it only lasted a little less than a year. It may have been a mistake to even get involved with her because she didn’t meet the guidelines I had laid down. She was a single co-worker. In the end, it fell apart because she wanted me to marry her and have children with her.<br />
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The next one was also a co-worker (different job though), but this time she did meet the guidelines. She was my age, she was in a sexless marriage, but she had four young (and adopted) children and didn’t want to leave her husband. Perfect. This one fell apart for numerous reasons, but the biggest was that she did end up getting divorced and then moved on. I still see her once in a while. And if the situation is conducive, we still sleep together. But it’s like once every three or four years.<br />
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Numbers three and four were women I met on the internet. Neither lasted very long. The first left her husband, found a new guy who was single like she was, and went off happily into a new life. The fourth got a new job 1000 miles away and left the area. We’ve emailed a few times, and she’s working hard on getting things back on track with her husband.<br />
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So this is a bit long and probably a bit of a downer, but there you have it. Like you, I’ve tried to find a special someone outside of my marriage, but at least in my case, it just hasn’t worked out. The attempts were fun while they lasted, but none of them lasted very long.

I can completely relate to your situation. I asked my husband tonight if he hated me or if he was having an affair. He was condescending and insulting. I asked him these questions because I am 40 years old, smart, funny, physically fit and a pretty good mom to our 2 young sons - and my husband and I have had sex 4 times in the last 3 years - all at my initiation or desperation when he would corner me in the shower because he had an erection and hey, who cares if I'm ready, right?<br />
I'm so sad and angry because I won't split up our family, but I cannot live the rest of my life like this. I've ventured out onto sites like, but was freaked out by the blatant and vulgar tone of any responses I received. I love to be touched, in either a sexual or non-sexual way, so I feel such anxiety and sadness because there is no touching at all anymore. Am I being selfish? Am I supposed to just keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on, or do I have a legitimate issue? I'm not the easiest woman in the world to live with, to be sure, but I am not a monster. Sigh.......

You have to decide if you just want a sexual relationship of if you want a sexual/emotional relationship, if it's the latter then your marriage is probably over or will be once the husband finds out. I have yet to personally meet a women thats capable of having just sex without attaching emotions to it. When you start attaching emotions to affairs that's when they start to get messy real quick.

Jeff, I think you are absolutely right in women wanting to have sex with emotios and it is hard to find a married man who wants sex with emotions. Women and men want affairs for different reasons. I read a whole book about the subject. In a nutshell, men does not get the sex they want with their wives and women does not have the emotional connection with their husbands and they seek emotional sex elsewhere. Personally, I discovered that I enjoyed sex immensly whereas before I had an affair I hated sex (there were reasons that I do not want to go into here, but my husband I had serious problems). I am capable of having sex without emotions attached but ideally I want to find a married man who is not afraid of emotions. It is a fine line to walk and you need a lot of self disipline NOT to make a mess out of an affair or marriage.

I can't believe that there are so many people out there with this problem. I am a 58 year old man with a similar problem. I don't think my wife has a real physical problem, except for a painful back. She really has no desire for me at all. I miss being desired, and I miss the passion and kissing and fondling soooooo much ! I have had affairs behind her back, because I know that my wife would not like to have me have sex with anyone else......even though she doesn't want me. I had told her (a few years ago) that I wanted my own love life. She got mad, and asked me if I wanted a divorce. We almost went through with it, but we both realized that we would lose too much stuff. We just exist together. I hope things work out for you, and he lets you pursue your sexual needs.

Sometimes you have to get back to basic of relationship, like dating. A counselor told me that we forget why we got married. I like to have a partner to go places, see things, meet people, and set a path of happiness. Somewhere in between is having a partner that want your companionship too. If your husband is one of those that does not want to go the path, than that should confirm that your path of happiness is not with him.

See private message.

hi, i know how you feel. have you found a man yet. im free. xxxx

If you have the physical need for sex then fill it. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. I'd love to talk to you about it because I love talking to others with the same problem.

You could ask your husband's permission to do it with another if he is "incapacitated" for it. Nothing wrong with that. It's just being honest, which is supposed to be good in a relationship.

You have come to a website where you will deinately finad a LOT of sympathetic ears. There seems to be an epidemic of similar situations. I can totally empathize. If you read my story, you will know my wife is the problem, she denies it but seems to be suffering from severe depression but refuses any help. my kids are young teens now and although I was dealing with the lack of intimacy, i was becoming quite bitter inside. I had determined to suffer through until the kids were out of the house, then move out and live on my own. My libido had pretty much shut down so just the sex alone was less of an issue but it buried me in my own depression (the low testosterone depression cycle). Where is was also hurting is that my wife is a control freak too. She stifles my artistic side too. really taking away any means i had to express my feelings. I found this site and started writing again. I used to do a fair bit of writing and getting back to it was a truly cleansing therapy for the soul. <br />
Somhow, amongst all the hurting people here, i met a lady here that is suffereing in a similar situation to us all. <br />
We have only communicated here and on skype so far but are planning a full blown, hair pulling, flower giving romantic affair. and when the time comes that I am 'un fettered' we are planning a future together. a bright, happy and loving future. one where we can both be happy again, something that has been sadly missing for so many years for us both.<br />
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I sincerely hope that if you go through with it, you find the right person.<br />
I wish you joy and a good life.

I agree with you. To go on without sex, intimacy, kisses can actually lead to poor health. So you will need to find a way to sort it out. Your health is important not just for you but for your kids as well. All the best.

It is just true scenario with many men and women of above 45 years. I have the opportunity to visit Newyork and found the way such people used to spend their time. I dont fully agree with what Americans do. But when I returned to India, I found many married women and men of over 40 are always sitting on the **** sites and chatting. <br />
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It is really very sad to see a 55 years old man is chatting with a small girl on sex and *****. When I asked him about it, he said, he feels like having real sex only after 50 and that during these about 25 years of sex life in marriage he has not really learnt the real way of enjoying sex. Its the way of life these days.

So very sorry to hear this, yet kind of relieved to realize there are others in the same situation. The truth is that it is often more complicated than you think. I am more deeply in love with my husband now than I was when we married ten years ago, yet the abyss of unspeakables between us is driving us to the point where I can't in all honesty bring myself to have sex while things remain unresolved between us. But I guess the difference between us is that perhaps I am the one at fault here, not him: I have certain wishes that he (understandably) cannot oblige, though I've been this way since we first met twelve years ago. Hey, life is complicated, I guess. I wish us all luck.

I understand how you feel i am 49 in the same situation with my wife i have some health issues myself but although i am still able to perform sexually and i do want too my wife has no intersest in it. Like the toby keith song im not as good as i once was but im as good once as i ever was. And it is very fustrating and lonely when your partner no longer wants you

How close are you to Ocala Fl. 52 year old gentelman in same situation.

Morality does not apply anymore when you suffer. As someone said a little earlier, we are on this earth very briefly and should make every minute of our lives count. My wife told me today she did not want to have sex with me anymore. I did not do anything wrong, always had great passion and love for her but as far as I can see our boat has been sinking for several years and I can not waste the rest of my life on hopeless wishes. Olivia, make the move.

Olivia you are not at the end and have a lot of life to live. I struggle with this all of the time myself but I have chosen a few things to take the pressure off and you need to start exploring them yourself.<br />
Whether it is moving on or other things you have likely thought about doing nothing should no longer be a choice.

I have read a lot of the feedback here. One direction is seeking a lover. Taking a lover has been suggested yes but... easier said than done, especially if you are male. I can't imagine trying to find someone and being honest about it when you are already married... believe me I've tried many times and its just not working. yes, you can find relief but not really a relationship to equal or come close to that which you had at one point. how can you invite someone over to your place, be available at the drop of a hat, share finances, etc. It is very challenging and presses the question, 'should I stay or should I go now?'.

I got married 1964 ( I was 19 yrs .old),had two kids and found out that my wife then was having many affairs.I tlked with her about it and we went to get some help.But she continued .Matter of fact,I came home early one afternoon and she was with the man who lived next door in our house with the kids.Long story short,I got divorce in 1974,and I am still single.She has been married 2 more times,had two more kids and now is single.But I am glad I am not with her any more.Your husband is never going to change,it is you that has to change.Go get some help.get rid of him and enjoy you life that God wanted you to enjoy.If he was not the aggressor,that should have told you that this man is not for you.You still have time not to be lonely.

I have been married for 42 years and for the last 35 of it life has been very stressful. I thought we had a great marriage but something went wrong. I asked my husband over and over again if something was wrong and all he would do was look at me or leave the room. I could not get him to even answer my questions. I was sure I did something wrong. I am a very attractive woman, and men have always made it know that they wanted me but I was true to my husband. I wanted my marriage to work and that is where the problem lies, don't wait for things to get better, they probably won't.<br />
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I say this because, I have been to therapists, we have gone to therapy together and nothing has brought us back together. We started out having sex about once a week (30 years ago) and then once a month, then every six months and now it has been 5 1/2 years. I am so depressed and so unhappy and don't know what to do. My high school sweetheart has begged me for over 25 years to divorce my husband and marry him and I just couln't do it, I wanted my marriage to change. <br />
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Don't be like me and miss out on life, we only live once. I missed out on years of happiness because I thought I was doing the right thing by staying and hoping he would love me. We had great sex when we were first married but I was the agressor not him. I stopped being the agressor and he didn't even care. Do you know how that makes a woman feel? Lonely.

I understand your problem. I am in the same situation. My wife is totally without passion or sex drive and I crave intimacy. It's a lonely place to be. You're married yet you feel totally alone.

Alicia, I wish I could definitively tell you that is the answer, but honestly I don't know myself. I have thought about an affair many times down through the (largely sexless) years, but have never taken the plunge. I've heard some say that you should have the decency to divorce rather than have an affair. I'm not so sure. In my case the marriage is otherwise healthy (no fighting, no serious financial issues, etc) just devoid of any intimacy and romance. Is it worth divorcing and completely disrupting two (or more) lives. Again some would say my marriage doesn't sound that bad, but like you I miss the intimate contact that a spouse should provide. At least once in a while.<br />
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I guess this sounds like some pretty wild rationalizing, but it is coming straight from the heart.

Hi, I''m 47 young/fit and feeling desperate, hence joining this site for support. We have been together for 23yrs with the last 7 of no sex due to his medical condition which can be fixed (we have discussed many times) but nothing is done, he seems happy to watch *****. So yes I am frustrated and so miss intimacy especially kissing/playing. Such a human basic need isn't it, yet denied by the one you love so much. It's comforting to know other couples are experiencing this but yet very sad.. I know I can't do this no sex situation for much longer (I think about having an affair) and it seems you all do too... so is this the answer?? or be firm lay the cards on the table and give a time line then say goodbye, easier said than done I know. But I'm feeling fed up.

Baby talk to your husband tell him about your needs he will understand just give him some time to adjust, assure him your not out to leave him just that you need fulfillment.

Thanks to all for your comments. I have been actively seeking a lover for 2 years with no success. I've met and chatted with several men but it never seems to work out. The guy just disappears, or they want to instantly have sex (I can't do that) , or they aren't committed to the decision to have an affair, or most recently, they begin to feel overwhelming guilt once we begin to get closer. At this point, I need to move on and accept that my sexual life is over.

After 10 years of a sexless marriage I chose to have an affair with a married lady who also was looking for romance and passion. What we have is wonderful! I feel desired again and the excitement is intoxicating. <br />
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Happy in California

I know exactly how frustrating it can get. Over the course of the past 4 - 5 years our sex life has dwindled away to maybe 2 - 3 times a year. I try not to complain too much because that seems counterproductive. At least in your case the fact that it's health-related might make it a little more bearable. My situation it alot like Mr. shireluton here; my wife's libido has dropped off to nothing and she doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. Even though we have been married 28 years and I'm approaching 50, I stay in pretty good shape and would feel much better about myself if I felt like my other half would appreciate it. I too feel like I'm "withering on the vine". I'd be interested to know how things have unfolded since you first posted this back in July.

Wow, I think we're in the same boat! I'm 25, though. You deserve passion and great sex. Good luck.

Olivia, I ask myself all the time which is better: Stay in a marriage with no sex (at least no intercourse) for many years and find that satisfaction somewhere else, or just leave. I find the last option impossible because of my deep love for her and the adult daughters and grand kids involved. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want risk my job should I be caught with someone else. Therefore I would look to a woman in a similar situation so that discretion and NSA would be the norm. I've let the body get out of shape, but the spirit is good and I am a clean and well dressed person with a professional career. At this point I am torn between trying to find someone and fear of how to do it and not get suckered.

Olivia, I ask myself all the time which is better: Stay in a marriage with no sex (at least no intercourse) for many years and find that satisfaction somewhere else, or just leave. I find the last option impossible because of my deep love for her and the adult daughters and grand kids involved. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want risk my job should I be caught with someone else. Therefore I would look to a woman in a similar situation so that discretion and NSA would be the norm. I've let the body get out of shape, but the spirit is good and I am a clean and well dressed person with a professional career. At this point I am torn between trying to find someone and fear of how to do it and not get suckered.

You deserve to be happy. You only live once and you have to look out for your own interests, especially if no one else will. Do what's right for YOU!

So, what ever happened - did you pursue the affair? I'm someone who did.

You are not the only person to be feeling this way. My wife has some serious health issues that keep us from being intimate. Some times I feel like I am going crazy. My view on sex is that is should be like Christmas. The fun is the period leading up to the actual event. The wrapping, pretty bows, lights, and anticipation. Then on Christmas morning, it seems almost anti-climactic because it is over so soon. I would consider leaving her, but right now she needs my support more than ever. But I sure miss the cuddling, playing and everything else that goes with it!

there are sooo many of us here,, ever hear that sex is the glue that keeps a good relationship togather,, an ol msu guy living in colorado,,

I am where you are. I am 55, and have had sexless marriage for a long time. Actually, been married 19 yrs to this husband. WIth health issues it is very difficult. I have had my own health issues. But, never wanted to stop having sex, or the compassion, the touches, the kisses. We have struggled for years with sexless marriage. I am to the point I don't care anymore. I need someone to hold me, kiss me (with passion). I need someone to make love to me. It is so dang frustrating. Especially when you both have discussed the issued over and over again. <br />
I have a great husband other than we don't have sex. So, an affair will be so difficult for me. It has crossed my mind a lot. I still have life left in me, I am still young enough to have the desires for someone else. I will not live the rest of my life with passion and sex. <br />
Not to have these emotions in your life can kill you. Not only your marriage, but your life.

You do have a genuine problem but the question is how do you resolve the situation without hurting your husband, your children and last but not least yourself. You've mentioned morality, well that is something you will have to wrestle with yourself, but the point is with your values and your own sense of self worth, can you bring yourself to do this behind your husband's back? You say your husband has been sick for many years and so is not able to meet your sexual needs. The thing is that I am sure that he himself probably realises that he is not meeting your needs and would probably be willing to let you take a lover on the side as long as you do so discreetly and do not jeopardise the primary relationship.<br />
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You need to sit down and communicate your needs and desires to him in a clear and compassionate way but at the same time in a firm manner so that he understands where you are coming from. These discussions may go on for a while because depending on your husband's mental make up, his upbringing and values, he may initially find it difficult to wrap his mind around such an idea. However I am sure that if you are persuasive and persistant without being overbearing and obnoxious and lay your cards on the table in a firm and fair way, that he will eventually come round to your point of view and will accept your very genuine and pressing need for relief from a sexless married life. I wonder if you have heard of the term "Hotwife"? I am sure you would have. If not, visit the website and you will get a lot of necessary and sympathetic advice on how to go about convincing your husband about your needs. You could also get him to browse the posts there together with you. Possibly he too may benefit from such a situation(your taking a lover). Hope this helps. Cheers!

I could be him - ED though and not ill. I would like my wife to find that friend with benefits. All she needs to do is decide if a need, a want, or a change is why and leave me out of it. She has no problem jokingly making referances to wanting more so I have said "DO IT", just let me know iwhen it leads to love and you want out. Been a good 38 or the the 45 years.

i'd like to have FWB with NSA, however, afraid to do so!

I feel your pain and sincerly hope things get better for you. I have found the most wonderful lover and she makes me feel like a new man. It's funny you mentioned kissing, because this is so important to me, but trivial to my wife.