To My Dearest HusbandTo My Dearest Husband, ( just a note to say have found the guy think i would like to have the affair with but i am searching my soul to see if i want to do what i am contemplating.)
You have put up with a lot off me in the past months and I am truly sorry. I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching trying to figure out, what is going on with me. I know you have been. But though I may not say it enough or show it I do appreciate you and your love. There are things I can’t explain and to try is why I am writing this to you. I don’t know what I am looking for part is feelings I shut down or off. I am sad that it was not you that found a way to turn those on for me. I didn’t even realize that I had shut them off. That is what I have been exploring and wanting to feel. I didn’t see it as wrong because I wanted to feel again. I guess you are right to a certain extent, when I think on it; it has to do with all the grief in my life. The romancing and dreaming of another was safe and exiting too. I am not going to say it wasn’t. But the safe part is what I think I most was craving. I kept saying I would just like to walk away it was not to any one it was just away from life period. Not as ending life but for me there was and is times when just would like to have nothing there. Not going to say those feelings are not there for the guy there is a connection. I am trying to figure out why and I may never know that answer.
But the more I think on it the more I know there is only one man in my life that I have counted on and leaned upon. That support my husband is more than you will ever know. Sometimes I get scared what if you are not here and that fear I think helped to shut off feelings. If all I had were me then I would never have to face that fear. Guess I have been good at fooling my self for that I am sorry. I thank you for all you have done and been in my life. Letting me find me and think for my self is one of the greatest gifts you could give me.
I am not saying that all is perfect. I still am working through things and probably will for a while. I am the one of us that when I feel and work through something I go through the whole thing not part remember.
I may have said he meant more to me than he will ever know and that possibly is true. He found things I had hid even from my self.
You mean the world to me because you allow me to be me even in my worst times. Husband you will never know how much that means to me. I am always telling you don’t tell me how to think and feel. Sometimes you revert to what you think you need to do, when what I need is you to ride the wave with me and allow me to be. Yes there will be times when I don’t think right; when do any of us think right all the time. It is not about the feelings that I don’t have for you. It is about me, the feelings I had not felt for so long and for that I began to think I am selfish. Knowing you are there through it all makes the world a better place. Thank you for being my husband and my love in my life. Your loving wife of 25 years
Kountrymist 46-50, F 24 Responses 5 Mar 7, 2011