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To My Dearest Husband

To My Dearest Husband,              ( just a note to say have found the guy think i would like to have the affair with but i am searching my soul to see if i want    to do what i am contemplating.)
 
You have put up with a lot off me in the past months and I am truly sorry. I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching trying to figure out, what is going on with me. I know you have been. But though I may not say it enough or show it I do appreciate you and your love. There are things I can’t explain and to try is why I am writing this to you. I don’t know what I am looking for part is feelings I shut down or off. I am sad that it was not you that found a way to turn those on for me. I didn’t even realize that I had shut them off. That is what I have been exploring and wanting to feel. I didn’t see it as wrong because I wanted to feel again. I guess you are right to a certain extent, when I think on it; it has to do with all the grief in my life. The romancing and dreaming of another was safe and exiting too. I am not going to say it wasn’t. But the safe part is what I think I most was craving. I kept saying I would just like to walk away it was not to any one it was just away from life period. Not as ending life but for me there was and is times when just would like to have nothing there. Not going to say those feelings are not there for the guy there is a connection. I am trying to figure out why and I may never know that answer.
But the more I think on it the more I know there is only one man in my life that I have counted on and leaned upon. That support my husband is more than you will ever know. Sometimes I get scared what if you are not here and that fear I think helped to shut off feelings. If all I had were me then I would never have to face that fear. Guess I have been good at fooling my self for that I am sorry. I thank you for all you have done and been in my life. Letting me find me and think for my self is one of the greatest gifts you could give me.
I am not saying that all is perfect.  I still am working through things and probably will for a while. I am the one of us that when I feel and work through something I go through the whole thing not part remember.
I may have said he meant more to me than he will ever know and that possibly is true. He found things I had hid even from my self.
You mean the world to me because you allow me to be me even in my worst times. Husband you will never know how much that means to me. I am always telling you don’t tell me how to think and feel. Sometimes you revert to what you think you need to do, when what I need is you to ride the wave with me and allow me to be. Yes there will be times when I don’t think right; when do any of us think right all the time. It is not about the feelings that I don’t have for you. It is about me, the feelings I had not felt for so long and for that I began to think I am selfish. Knowing you are there through it all makes the world a better place. Thank you for being my husband and my love in my life. Your  loving wife of 25 years
Kountrymist Kountrymist 46-50, F 24 Responses Mar 7, 2011

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it is so easy for a man you are not married to... to meet you and give you that great sex ...or comfort that you seek...but remember this...you are an orifice to him...he doesnt have to wait on you hand and foot when your sick...or pick up your clothes ...or feed you when you dont feel like cooking...he just takes care of that special desire..rethink this...go to your husband ...tell him your fantasies...your desires...get a toy to share with him...whatever it takes...this man you are thinking about with...he doesnt care about you...you iwll destroy your husband...and NOTHING is worth that...it takes a special person to spend thier life taking care of another...ptuuing your needs b4 their own...watch HOPE SPRINGS

Wow, that was a beautiful letter

I would be naive and tottaly dishonest if i would say i havent think of doin the same considering in our society a guy is somewhat polygamous in nature. I am also tempted to cross the line But if i look on my wife who work hard and do everything for me and my son (were both nurses) and look back 7yrs ago, i think its NOT worth the risk of lossing a wife who loves me and a son who look up to me. How i manage to survive?.. I hold on to my faith and my God and pray that i be given the courage and strenght to pass this trial. I know its difficult but who says life is easy, hope youll find peace in your heart soon!

I feel like you wrote that letter for me. I am in a very similar situation but with some differences. My husband and I have only been married for 3.5 years and been together for 6.5 years. We do not have kids.
I have been through a lot in the last year and a half. (I had a miscarriage, My brother passed away at 38, and I lost my job.) That being said it has made me look at my life in a whole new light. I am starting to make choices I would have never made before.
My husband is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. At the same time, I walk around feeling empty in my marriage. The intimacy and romance is not there. The making me feel special is not there. At the same time, he would do anything for me, or anyone else for that matter.
I recently told him I needed time to think about things and explained my feelings to him. I went out of town to my Mom's for two weeks. I didn't miss him. I was annoyed when we did talk. I was hoping when I got back and saw him it would be better. . . . but it wasn't.

Have you found any more peace of mind yet? I need help too!!

totheend, you need to find yourself. greif is so hard. what is not here and if you read my stories i lost five family members in eight years two of those mentally ill, one to cancer and my grandparents. i was there for two of those taking their last breath one of those in my home. i found my self alone with no imedate blood family. yes i also had miscarriages and we could not have a baby so we lost that as well. during all of this going on. i found i had taken care of all the family and hubby and not my self. unless you have ever been here you will never know how alone you are when you take on the ones you love in your home and watch them take their last breath. i walked as if i was in a zone or not feeling i had not even realized it. this i find is not about my hubby it is finding what i lost or where i lost me. i never understood it when you hear someone started acting as if their world ended. changing how they beheave. if you will read self discovery and a couple of more here under thinking of having an affair you will find it is still a learning process. i had been unhappy for so long i had not even realized, i didnt even know how to be happy it is still strange to me. what is happy how do you find it and prozac has been of help for depression from all the greif still wears on me. the reason i have stuck it out with my hubby is he walked thru it all with me for the most part. i owe him but most i owe myself to find what it is i lost. if he had been a jerk it would have made the choice easy but my hubby was not. he is still supportting and asking me how i am doing. our main thing has always been be honest with each other. respect the other for we dont blind side each other. if you will read the other stories you will see where i had to take classes to even learn to write and structure any thing that made since. you will find my walk thru cancer with my dad and metally ill with my mother and brother. smells and dreams reminders bear down on me. finding how to replace things that is not there any longer is hard. holidays are hardest for i celebrate birthdays and death aniversaries all thru oct. to march. dont let others tell you how to feel and find your way. i found writing has helped but it also got to be to much i relive all of it. but found i needed to have a voice a way to put feelings into words and making what i went thru real. for once all is gone there is a emptiness that no one can ever fill. if you need to talk or just want a sounding board you are always welcome to shoot me a note. hope you find what is missing but know only you can do it and your hubby let him know what it is and what is going on.

idon't like you. Your husband has done so much for you and yet you give an uncertain response and is stillwandering in your affection...one day your hubby will say enough is enough..I couldn't care a damn!Then...GONE with the wind.If i were you I wake up and start treating hubby as the real special

faith glad you have the answers for most of us humans make choices and have to face our own reality. there was a time i would have said the same but until we walk in others shoes it becomes a mute point. that mile is a hard walk hmmm thanks for your idea of how life should be.

by the way it does not matter if you like me or not does it

Try some marriage counseling before you do anything rash. Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, but often times, it is more bitter.

huggy, thanks for responding. I have been working thru some things that is my issues. have been looking for a counslor of my own. think with the things i have lived thru i need to find me and then find us. but i have not jumped over the fence for the respect and love i do have for my husband. most of all for my self and my commitments i have made in my life.

dont you think the grass is always greener on the other side, till you get there. dont do it you have no idea the misery it could cause, your husband sounds wonderful does he deserve to be cheated on.

No he does not but he deserves my being honest with him and what if i decide to do. I deserve to find what is out of reach or is within my grasp. tring to find that does not mean i only think of him.

I am sorry to hear thats how you feel, shouldnt you have done that before you married the guy. I hope you make the right decision for you.

You know I dont think you have a point. I am not debating this with you, my feelings and how i have lived is what it is. if you read my stories you would see, I am pushing thru my own trials. I beleive you need to take a look at your own life with no stories and a group of a sexless marriage. to challange that which you seem to not have lived is redunant to me. hope you have a nice life but seems you need focus upon your own life.

DP

Thanks for the post, I agree my focus here was trying to communicate with my spouse. I had been thru so much and found my self in a time when I was really reflecting on my life. Know that I was up front with spouse in order to get him on board with me and what I felt I needed or lacked. There are things I find that he just does not get but other things made him take note of I was needing more. I know it is not all about me but I had gave out for so long. I had taken care of others and had so many deaths. Then I shut down my feelings and what I wanted. You begin to feel over whelmed with all the feelings and needs when they come crashing in.

I think some times we lose sight of what that happiness is or what we thought it was. As we age I find things look so much different and our wants become so much more intense.



Every one deserves happiness but they each find it in their time and in the paths they take. Hopefully choosing a path that will not destroy all they cherish.

awesome letter. Men need to learn to communicate so our parterns can tell us when they are empty and unfulfilled. We are too selfish and focus to much on our needs or the job or friends or the kids when the true center of the family or root of the family tree is you, my wife, my lover, mother to my kids, reflection of my soul if I will only take the time to look and appricate the view. I know this is a tough decision to make. I just hope whether you are an unhappy man or an unhappy woman you try to communicate with your partner before going down this road.



That being said each of us deserves happiness and must find the path that leads to it.



Best wished DP

Here's something you women need to consider coming from a guys point of view. What would you do if here you thought that for the most part you have a pretty good marriage with what you think is a great wife and great kids and then one day your wife comes up to you and tells you she loves you but you as a man can't fufill her needs alone and she needs comfort elsewhere to. I'm not saying your needs don't count and should be ignored but finding fullfillment in an affair is a short term way of finding happiness, sure you might get the instant gratification of great sex but after awhile you'll feel just as empty as before. By the time you figure that out it might be to late to save your marriage and the happiness of your family. I truly hope your able to find that complete happiness your looking for and have a happy life(family included).

jeff thanks for the comment but i think you dont have a clue. i think you speak here from what you think you want everyone to hear but it is much more than a oh i am not happy now. but then if you read into someones back ground and really get where they are coming from then it would be obvious it is not cut and dry for any one here. but i went also to your page to see. and with a blank page says we have nothing in common to debate. if you wrote anything or even had any thing to say it might be worth hearing and discussing issues with you. but as is i found nothing in common and someone who has blocked you maybe you need to start with your own issues before handing out advise to those who are here finding their way thru life you seem to not be living.

Was there anything in my comments above that weren't valid Kountrymist?

hmmm this is the start i see..

Head in the sand or close as a clam, that's the way my husbad acts. I hope he will open his heart a bit tomorrow. Once again he went to bed without saying good night. I hate that and think, he tries to avoid sex. :-(

oh sweetie if you live in the same house it cant be avoid it will grow and grow to something that neither will be proud off. i hope for your part it does not or you will have to make some very hard choices.

Oh Ricki we have so much in common, i hope he listens mine seems to have dipped his head in the sand. it is easier i guess to act as if it does not exist than to say i am not giving every thing to the one i love. hugs my dear friend i hope with all my heart yours listens for a change. to walk alone is hard but to walk with someone is a little easier, but it still changes nothing there are still unresolved issues. that leaves you still alone.

That's exactly the point I stand at now. But your spouse gave you a whole lot more support than mine from all what I've read. I struggle hard to continue our marriage and hope that we really have the promised talk I wait for since so long.

He promised it for Monday, because he has three weeks holiday now.

I don't know what to suggest, just wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings.

that is what i have begun to think but if you seperate the two what do you have left? i know i have learned that as we get older we want more and more in the sense of feeling deeper. i have discovered i dont think it is love i am looking for but something a bit more harder to get. the deep feelings coming from intamacy that only one knows when they have felt it so intense and have a desire to want those feelings. i also have learned that the spouse we are married to looks at you as a possion not as trying to fullfill that part of you that is not touched by them. so they slap the brakes on and want to continue as is and was, not as new and wanting. it makes it hard to want more or decide to shut down and just pass threw life for what you can get.

could you try separating sex from love

still working on it, we always seem back where we begain and he seems happy and i am not but maybe i am not to be happy. thanks for commenting Mach

Very touching story. I hope that by now you have been able to work through the problems.

plato



you are so right in that i do not feel one can safify all needs for i discovered there is so much more underneath my feelings than i ever new. Like you i am stuck for he can see no other way of life, for me that means i figure out how to take care of me. i have been doing a lot of self discovery and find it is something lacking in me. i want more but in order to live as i once was is a lie for sure but i have found my husband can face it no other way. i have to admit if i had the oppertunity at times i would have the affair just to have those feelings i so desperatly want. love two yes i think you can and odo in different ways. hubby does not want to hear that either. so i am struggling to find what it is in me that sets me on my head. i am one that i dont like playing games but find my self doing exactly that.



thanks you for the strenght and luck wish you the best



Mist

Seems we have some things in common. I have been married for ten years to a man I love very, very deeply, but crave (and have always craved) something with two, not one, man. In my fantasy they would also be friends and we could have a "holy trinity" family situation. Lol.



Like you, I think it all goes back to a dark childhood utterly devoid of love, which in many ways I'v emanaged to hide from the world under a veneer of a driven, successful, "well'rounded" female. But I've just been a charlatan my whole life, really good at faking.



I don' t want to have an affair. I want to find someone that balances it all out, and I want the three of us to grow old together. Trouble is that my beloved husband would never entertain it, so I grin and bear it, pretending to be someone I am not. Sometimes I wonder how long the charade can last: but then again, I am fantastic at playing the game, have done so my whole life.



I wish us all strength and luck.

I want to reassure you neither of us is in the counseling business. he is a auditor and i am house wife. we worked 4 to 6 jobs and put him through school to get the job he has and wanted. But the things I have had in my life would put me as nurse and counselor if i were to do a career to be honest. I thank you for your comments and time it took you to write back to me. I am sorry you lost the first and would have been interesting to have read it.

I am glad you have received a gift from my story, I have not had any one to talk to until i signed on to here. My husband wants me to get counseling and told him i would. checking into those now don't know at the moment who it will be.

I have already been to my Doc. who said pms or hormone in balance but just something i would have to live with. so when we walked out of that doc. office my husband there with me said we want be back, i smiled said nope. which means my obgyn sucks. I have had vertigo/shingles since November of last year. in my ear nerve and right side of my face. having to treat that too found this out in Jan. of this year. so you have hit the nail on the head almost for two. hubby and i are both 46 his drive is not a issue it was mine but not in the don't give department just had to work hard at it and have no drive my self. but when this all started things changed. so I have began to look at me a lot closer and the growing cold was me. I realized it and wanted more and that has began my journey down a uncertain path. I have been totally up front with my husband I sent that same message to him plus one explaining how much i do love him. He does understand that the things that has happened to me and have happened could cause anyone to shut off. you are also right by three we both grew up in families his not showing love but said they loved you all the time. mine was show but not said. fourth right is i have had 5 imitate family members die in 8 years so it was easier to cope by not feeling. 1993 to 2001 I am now beginning to search for me and i thank you for your words and will be giving them a lot of thought. thank you sweet gray haired man for your insight.

I'm back ..I read you comments to my post..you're a deep thinker..Let me share something with you..

- Ask him what he loves about you..his answer will tell you about the level of his cautiousness, or his involvement..or what's important to him..maybe you'll be surprised.

-Ask him what he would miss about you if say you died tonight, after say a month.

-You think about those things too..I have a feeling you get ahold of your feelings pretty directly..

-Don't bail out, if there is any hope of pulling the pieces back together..or adding new pieces. As adults, we become defensive, hurtful, cold to feelings.

Oh and one more thought: I don't personally put much stock in psych______ counselors, or counseling..Go ahead and tell me that is what one of you do for a living..I've never known any that had their head screwed on straight or screwed on at all..

-What about the PMS thing, or his age..@ around 45, I began having real crazy mood swings, and lost all identity with sexual expression with my wife..When testosterone is decreased by job stress, or even Post Traumatic stress Syndrome.., or loss of family members, or someone close. Take: Saw palmetto, Pumpkin seed extract, ..I'm drawing a blank on others

but they all work to pull the natural hormones back to some betterlevels.

- And when people grow up where parents don't consistently show love by words, and deeds we grow up empty, craving that very thing, but not knowing how to express love in: words and deeds.

.Awful preachy aren't I? I am not any kind of counselor, but your plight shok me up ..

And that mssg,some of the words, thoughts, were a gift given to me as I read you post..

Don't give up Even if you have to get angry shout, scream, cry, throw things(just not at him) to let you and him know desparate times call for desparate means..I pray to God that the situation will over time, or all at once heal both of you..signed : a grey haired fairly inept old man..

thank you for commenting, i think what i am going through has a lot to do with i never took care of me. i have always taken care of every one else. i am finding memories now and working on me. before i cross a line i am being selfish but true to myself. have a lot of loss in my family and looking at things a lot different than ever. when you wake up one day and look around and see you are cold and the only one standing by you is your husband in this world. i owe him a lot but i am trying to take care of me now. and i am finding that is self discovery. as i have been writing the other stories trying to glen happy memories from my past don't have many there will come a day when i start posting the bad ones but i am struggling for those good ones to see if i can out weigh the bad. i want those think they will help me in my search,. they are the ripples in my pond because of some i have suffered that hurt uncontrollably. i didn't even realize it had thought i dealt with them as i went through them but now they are my gost. haunting me and i know i will have to follow them or completely shut them down which means i will shut me down in side.

aDeqr giftred lady ..i wrote out the most dep seated truths I found by reach ing out to the source of that gift of your..2 paragraphs..was done with keboard in my lap, swung my legs toward the desk, hit the esc key..gone..I must go now Can duplicate this when I return....I know you must be thinking what a twit..can't argue...MY point is please don't give up..Think of what happpens when you throw a rock in the still waters of a pond..ripples go out, and the first reeds, or a leaf on the water will cause the ripples to radiate from that or those objects in different directions than the original ripples, now many more tho..when the ripples hit the opposite shore, they bounce back only now 10 or 20 times more and when they come to tha at reed or leaf again the whole thing will repeat to 50 times the number..and so on..get it? more to follow