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I Am Considering An Affai

Someone asked me...and have not cheated yet,...thinking about it...don't see why you feel so bad for getting what you deserve and need,we all need loving and if your not getting any at home...why not discreetly get some on the side to keep your sanity ?

Because you took a vow...you promised...if you've changed your feelings and your mind...end that THEN move on. It starts out discreet...but won't stay that way unless your looking for a bunch of one night stands. Don't forget the concern @ STDs...you, like me, probably haven't thought along those lines in years...and I was STUPID so now even though my affair is over..I'm SCARED!!!!
Have you DEEPLY discussed it with you wife? I mentioned things all the time...even in front of people but he thought I was joking. I did break down once...told him everything but nothing changed. 
I didn't plan on cheating but I caught up with an OLD friend and one thing led to another....I can tell you I NEVER expected all the emotions and pain for ME and now my husband. IT was the biggest mistake of my life...the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with...and my life hasn't been "storybook".
If you want to stay married...get counseling...do what you have to BEFORE you do something you cant reverse. It only makes the work you have to do to fix your marriage 100x harder...if you can fix it at all after you cheat. So much for keeping the sanity....right?
A430 A430 41-45, F 7 Responses Jul 1, 2011

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I have the same thoughts sometimes (considering having an affair). I use a form of meditation coupled with vigorous exercise to keep them at bay. Regular confession also helps, as it holds me accountable.I also find that choosing to do things for my wife helps me feel more intimate towards her, which makes the desire for an affair weaker. I think this desire is somewhat stronger within me because she is the only person I have ever made love to. So, the curiosity of what it would be like with someone else is there. However, I waited till marriage to have any sex at all, so I know I have the capacity to make my wife my only lifelong partner.



I think one thing that seems to set me apart here is that I did not get married to my wife for any sort of happiness or self satisfaction. I got married because I wanted to take care of her and sacrifice myself for her. For me, this is the way forward to attaining true love and inner peace - it is the way of sacrificing my self-will so that my mind and heart are free to experience and express pure love.



The reason I do not have an affair, is because, in the lessons this relationship has already taught me, the destruction that would come about through an affair makes the act abominable to me. Sure, I have thoughts and even physical desires, but they are quelled by the knowledge of their destructive potential. My wife is such a pure soul, to corrupt her would put a burden of guilt so heavy upon my soul that I may not survive it.

don't do it.

Then there is the consideration of actually still being in love with your spouse...at least for me. I'm just not a cheater at this age and stage of my life, so I'm stuck in a place where I'm simply forced to do without.

Our marriage was wrong to from the start. She wasn't what I was looking for but I was facing lonliness like you could not imagine. She told me and pretended to be a lot of things only to find out later that she was exactly the opposite and I stayed then. Again being old and never married my thought was that this may be the only opportunity I had to find what I had longed for since I was 22. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, each knowing the whole time it wasn't right. Shortly after that I found out that that she was pregnant with my son. Determined, not bring my son up in a family that was separated like I had, I told my self that I would stick it out until he was 18. Another reason was fearing the loneliness that I had prior. I have stayed in the marriage for the last 13 years and have not cheated. Even though all of the fights and the terrible emotional trauma that she cause my son and my step son. Sever trauma to the oldest, who had tried to commit suicide twice and planed and it two additional times. Part of the issue is that during the pregnancy of the youngest boy, she did not feel well at all and was diagnosed with Lupus. Do due her illness she has been in the hospital at least 35 to 40 times in the last 2 to 2.5 years. She still maintained her controlling attitude, never wrong, everybody's else's fault. Lied about paying bills other obligations to the point we almost lost our house. The sex of any type stopped about 5 years or so ago. Even with all of this, I told my self when my youngest is 18 maybe I can make a change. Well, the loneliness got so bad that tears would come to my eyes when I would see any type of affection shown, public, movies, TV, and still does. So I have told her twice now that I want a divorce. The last I had to tell her while she was in the hospital because she wanted to try to stay together. I have not been able to do this yet because of money. She cant work and her family will not speak to her. I do not wish to see her living in the streets (even though I do know that the court will award her a lot of money to be paid by me) or with out. She is still the mother of my boys. So, I stayed. I still dream every day what my life could be like but I stay. We have tried the marriage counseling but it was short term and she pretended to try until it stopped and then went back to her old ways. She has also seen others but would only go for a couple of visits and find some reason she couldn't go even though the insurance covered it all. I was seeing a counselor until just a few weeks ago when she went on maternity leave. She and everyone that knows me thinks I am crazy for not leaving but even though I don't want to be with her in anyway (except friendly, for the boys) with her health the way it is I feel I like I would sentencing her to poverty with out any home. I would gladly give a car and the house and anything else I have to get out of this miserable lonely life but she can pay any of the bills for them.
Through everything I have stated, I still have not cheated and said that I would never do that to anyone. After not having any physical contact with her, hand holding, kissing, hugs let alone sex for all of this time, I have become to think about the option of an affair if I had the opportunity. It would mean me giving up myself respect, morals and beliefs but is becoming an option. I have prayed to Good for help but have not had any, so an option it has become.
I right this to help relieve some of my pain but also to share in hopes that it might help others in someway. It is easy to make judgements when people cheat. I do not think that is right or the best thing to do but we can not know what pain, suffering, that others have gone though to get to this point. People say that a marriage or saving a marriage takes 50/50 percent. I am here tell you that it takes 100/100 percent and can't be done with out each side willing to do so.

I must have misunderstood the intention of your experience. I have not failed to stand by her side in good times or bad. And I have not failed to keep the naive vow made when I was younger than the number of years I have been her lover and spouse. Affairs are pursuits of happiness ~ no different than when your spouse goes bowling and you go off to your book club. Open marriage? If someone thinks they can keep a long term affair (or series of affairs) hidden from the one person who knows them better than they know themselves, that someone is delusional.



As for assuming that I didn't “really” try to fix the sexual incompatibilities that no 18 - 21 year old could be expected to understand when they bonded themselves in marriage ~ that's a pretty courageous assumption. In my case, I was assured, by my wife, that our sexual incompatibilities would resolve themselves when her fears of pregnancy out of wedlock and premarital sex were alleviated. She wasn't evil, she was simply naive. We have what we have and she is pleased that for whatever reason, I no longer get cranky about wild things such as sex during the week, sex with the lights on and the whole nasty business of giving and receiving oral sex.

But what about "for better" or "for worse" and REALLY communicating and trying to fix it/work on it before you go outside your marriage. The emotions that go along with the sex is more than I could handle...it wasn't just a physical thing.

Are yo saying you and your wife have an "open relationship"? You each know one or both of you go outside your marriage for sex? If so that's a totally different situation...MAYBE THEN it's not considered cheating because you both are on the same page?

Personally I have tried the counseling route. It did not work and she didn't even take responsibility for her actions within the marriage. I didn't go outside the marriage, but I have been tempted. Does for better or worse count when she doesn't even consider herself a part of the problem? How can I fix what she won't even accept?

We cam only fix what both want fixed...can't be one sided! :(

Your vow didn't include the unnatural agreement to sexual frustration. You told him you needed more and he didn't honor his vow to make sure you were "have" and "held". At some point, we realize that it isn't "cheating", especially those of us who truly love our spouses. Affairs have given my wife many extra years of marital bliss.

Thanks for the spot on comment. Is it cheating when you have dealt with a sexless marriage for the better part of a decade? When you haven't gained weight, taken care of your family and all of life's other burdens.

My wife says it is. She "forgave me" but brings it up in arguments. Of course, we still don't have sex. I wish I had left before I started the affair. In any case, it's hastening the demise of my marriage as she's waiting for me to fix it (?!?) and I am sick of being the one that gives without receiving.