Now What?

Intellectually, I understand. Somehow, in the midst of the day-to-day, it's hard to believe.

Oh, no...we ARE out there. My husband of 33 yrs (got married at 20) is not interested at all in any form of sex, romance, touching...really not anything any long ..He told me when I was still in my 40's that I was getting too old for "that kind of nonsense!" We have not been together that way in almost 5 yrs-all his making, not mine.
I long for touching, being held, talking. Yes, even sex. I miss it. I have been a good and faithful wife. He is unwilling to make any changes in out relationship. I used to try to make attempts, however, how many times are you told "Get the **** away from me and go to sleep", how many times do you watch your husband jerk away when you lean in to kiss him or touch him, before you give up?
How much rejection should one endure, before you just shut down? I even told him that I could feel a wall going up between us and I was just going to give up even trying to have sex, touch, kiss, etc., and he laughed at me. He told me I would never do that. You know what? That is what I did. Pardon me for saying this as it is not very ladylike, but I thought "**** you then". I do not try to do anything. I don't hug him or touch him at all. And yes, I miss it. I have spent so much time crying myself to sleep. I have changed anything and everything on my end that I can think of to change.
I am an attractive enough looking girl (I am thinking anyway). I work out, dress nice. I wear makeup and smell good. I cook, and keep the house. I do laundry and all the wife things. I work outside the home.
I don't know what else to do. Oh, I do have a pet, but she isn't the same as a person.
He is healthy.
So now what? I am trying to not cry as I type this. Was I a complete idiot when I got married? I raised 3 beautiful sons. Not what? There is only so much cleaning and working out I can do...I STILL MISS IT!

and this is only a small part of all of it...

Oh, my. I am SO sorry to hear that. No one deserves to find themselves in that sort of situation. I understand FAR too well exactly what you describe. A simple casual touch...nothing more than an intentional touch in passing, would be enough to make my day. With your permission, I have a bit more to share, but I think it will be with you directly.
Be strong.
M

Good idea...however a willing and interested partner helps as well!

Thanks for the response, but it's a "been there, done that". All of the above sound wonderful to me, but I would be there alone. This is a woman who simply doesn't care...about anything other than her social activities and her computer. As I do all the house work, laundry, lawn work and work full-time, while she cooks on occasion, I would settle for just some "intentional time". btw...tried the cosplay, whe refused to even try on a costume...it hit the trash. no camping for her. she doesn't like doing things like yoga or taichi with me because I am either so bad it embarrases her or, worse yet, better than her. I usually CAN get her to a cooking class about 2x a year, but that's if I arrange the class.
Your ideas are good ones, and I would normally agree...but they simply won't overtake apathy. It's hard to get a spark going with a woman who will never initiate any contact; a hug, a kiss, a conversation, any interaction at all. She usually won't bail on the conversation...and will let me hug her, as long as I don't expect a response. Anyway...the activities sound fun...as long as I go stag.
Again, thanks for responding.
M

I was hoping you'd say just the opposite! And lol, you've tried the exact suggestions I made.. Well, I've heard of marriages where one partner cheats, the other is aware and they stay together because they are both satisfied and the marriage continues fine. It's not my place to judge a marriage.

But I do think it sounds like you deserve better than to have a affair. If the marriage has been that lifeless for so long, and you've tried so hard, I think you deserve someone who'll make you go giddy and will swoon in the moonlight. A girlfriend instead of an affair.

Otherwise the only alternative is to shock her out of it. So either a wrecking ball to the house (plead temporary insanity) or some kind of alien sex drug (see; Internet).

lol. Interesting ideas. giddy and swoon? where do I sign up? As for the rest...who knows?
Again, thanks for the comments. Stay sane.

Your life sounds way too much like mine. I ended up having the affair. Hurt my wife, lost some self-respect but regained self-esteem (didn't expect that both were possible) and am looking at leaving as she isn't working on it and I refuse to go back to the occasional bit of oral sex.

I would really agree with your central premise...nobody but you can solve your own problems. And, that said, you can't solve the problems of others.
It strikes me healthy people can support one another, especially in the hard times, but they can't "solve it" for anyone but themselves.

Here's hoping you find a healthy partner!
M

Wow. I AM sorry to hear that, especially that you have been burned 3 times. That only makes it harder for you to enter into a relationship...
Stay sane.

That's certainly not easy. I'm not sure where any of it is easy. I guess much of it boils down to how we believe our partners see us. And, of course, all the ties and obligations that go along with any relationship. You're right...what do you do?

From the feedback I get here, there's probably not a server large enough to handle the traffic of membership! Definately would be a sure thing!

Thanks. The reality is I most likely would never take that step, simply because I could never cause hurt to someone else, even if I was "taking care of myself" in the process. The cost would be too high...the cost to me.

I appreciate your response. "It gives me pause to think."

Thanks Stef;
Yeah, "if only" seems a powerful "if". How to balance "right", "fair", and all the rest, and still take care of a very important and very human part of ourselves. Thanks so much for your note...and the support.