It's My Turn To Do It!

My husband's 4 year secret affair with a married, but seperated woman, while we were based overseas, due to his job, is a turning point for me. I loved this man with all my heart and dedicated my life to our almost 16 yrears of marriage. He is 64 and I'm 41. What I thought was a low sex drive was actually his loss of desire for me, while he was getting it hot and heavy under my nose for 4 years. The lies and twisted decite was too much. He's now retired and we're back in the states. I found out about the affair just before we moved back home and asked him to end it. He disregarded my offer of forgiveness and secretly took it underground and was maintaining phone and email contact with her from our home in the states. This went on and on for 9 months of me keeping survellance on him, and getting angry and frustrated! Especially when I caught him on chat making a mockery of me with her. We went into counceling, which minimized his obsession. I got so fed up that I decided to speak with a lawyer. We have a lot of assets and a 4 year old son who needs his father. All the struggle and fighting has resulted in me losing my love feelings for him. His excuse is that he loves me, but wanted that secret life on the side. He never intended to leave me for the other woman...wow! gee thanks! He just liked the "alive feeling and thrill he got from it." It's been hell for me. He went through withdrawal syndrome from the breakup of the affair, cos they saw each other everyday. It's been a year and things are calm at home now. I just don't feel the same way about him. I get mental flashes because i have 100s of photos of the two of them together. I dont enjoy his touch anymore. I don't want to leave the marriage for now. However, I've been hunting and looking out for a man that will fullfill my long neglected sexual needs. My husband is not into satisfying me sexually. He was never that kind of a lover. Infact during his affair, he rejected my pleas for sex and never so much as gave me a **********! I feel like my hot and sexy body is wasting away. I regret being a faithful wife all these years when he wasn't as devoted. Now it's my turn to find someone on the side who can fulfill my fantasy. I'm not looking to fall in love. Just seeking a FWB situation. I'll never trust again. I think of sex all the time because I'm not getting it much. Any thoughts?
Moveonbabe Moveonbabe
36-40, F
8 Responses May 13, 2012

just read this post and i do feel for you. sorta similar situation with me, took my hubby back but alot of mixed feelings. He tells me im hot hes extemely attracted to me etc, but doesnt fulfull me completely (just himself) so i am left frustrated most of the time and like yurself i do think about it alot.....but dont know about actually going thru with it. Its great to hear after all these faithful devoted years to a cheating husband you are finally happy, good on ya!!

I am wondering how you found someone to have an affair with so quick. I've been considering an affair for a while now and no one ever comes on to me. I guess that what happens when you are undesirable like me. Any advise where to find a guy to **** would be greatly appreciated.

I do hope you will find the time to let us know how this works out for you.<br />
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I am sure we all hope you stay safe in body, heart and mind -- you have a lot of things that drove you to this point, some of them, it seems to me, are negative drivers, As the was said above, it is best to not act on those as you tend to make bad decisions or regret even reasonable decisions later.<br />
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But you have positive drivers too - so in sum I am curios how you will view this first affair when it fades or ends. And this is something to think on after you get a few good weeks of awesome behind you (a pun LOL) -- only one affair? when does this new life end and how?<br />
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I hope you find this all that you hoped it would be and with no down side.

well.. as long as you did it already, and definitely you will keep going ... all i can advise is try not to think a lot about it.. just enjoy it while it lasts.. and most of all.. do not get attached... keep no strings

As a follow up to my posted story above: I finally did it! I met someone and for the first time since being married (16 years and together 19 years), I had sex with another man. It was great! And I feel so good. I did wait for any signs of regrets and I definitely have none. I'll be seeing this man on a regular basis because he fulfills me sexually. I really don't care if my husband finds out. I have suffered enough neglect and blatant disrespect.

I'm glad you are being sexually satisfied! You deserve it! Stay safe and try to enjoy it for all that it is...

I very strongly recommend you do not flaunt this in front of hubby and that he not find out -- Right now (in the early bliss of your first affair) there is zero up side for you at all levels with such a disclosure. It eliminates many options for you and limits the rest.

You can still divorce hubby even if he never finds out - let this ride in secret - besides the illicit secret is what amps up the endorphins that have you swimming right now. May as well make it all it can be. That is what you are "here" for- right? Don't want to divorce hubby - so it is about the feelings - not the future as your story goes at the moment. Best to you.

Thank you JRD22 for your input. I have come to realize that my husband's affair and the blatant disrespect he showed me after I found out Is actually a wake up call. It has not only julted me into realizing how selfish he is, but how much I have suppressed and neglected my most basic sexual needs. My need to be fulfilled is long over due and has nothing to do with revenge. I have lost all respect for my husband and just need to do my own thing for now. I have discussed with him on how we really need to impove the sex life, but he basically prefers to reminence on his so-called sexual escapades with is mistress. I need to feel desired. It is Just humiliating to know that when my husband is on top of me, he is not actually making love to be but to another woman. There are a lot if guys out there who can make me feel better. For now, I'll go out there and seek my pleasure without any guilt. I just know that I'll enjoy it!

Tnks for your understanding. It just sucks to feel like all my love and commitment has meant nothing to the one person i married. Oh well, I've learned a valuable lesson indeed.

Its so sad to see that, and I do understand your fustration and the thought of missing out and not enjoy it anymore and the feeling of the need....think about it properly and do what you need to do, there are alot of factors invloved......