What To Do

Little background: I've been with my husband for a total of 17 years. He is my best friend and I love him with all my heart. We have had our ups & downs but have I think a pretty strong marriage. Anyway back in July/Aug time frame I was having a lot of problems at work dealing with another team. The other team is sorta like a help desk and I couldn't't't get them to call me back so in return was getting my a$$ chewed by higher ups. I made friends with one of the guys that I'd worked with in the past and found out he had recently been promoted to one of the leads. He was able to actually get the team to assist me which helped me out a great deal. He & I started talking as friends.

Fast forward to today: Things have escalated. Started off by him saying that I was beautiful, sweet... you get the idea. I don't hear these things at home so it felt good to hear them from somewhere. I have a very negative image of myself. We use to only talk over e-mail at work but now we chat over text.. Never why my husband is around. I can't explain it.. I have feelings for this guy but I'm not in love with him if that makes sense. He and I have talked several times about how much he likes me but doesn't want me to leave my husband.. Well no crap I'm not going to.
He keeps making comments about wanting to have sex with me. My husband is the only man I have ever been with. At first it was just a fun time talking to this guy. Hearing nice things and him putting a smile on my face. Although I've thought about doing things with him I can't imagine actually taking that next step. The most he and I have done is hug. He's tried to kiss me a few times but I always turn away. I don't know what to do next. He keeps telling me that he knows hes got me and I'll be giving it up soon. Tonight he text me and asked me if I was his girlfriend. Umm.. really? This guy is a major player and I know this. He has a soon to be ex wife that he just moved out from and a girlfriend that's 3 months pregnant. I just think that I'm in to deep now and I'm scared. I don't know what to do.
iamashley iamashley
26-30, F
19 Responses Nov 20, 2012

wow - youve gone way too far - tell him to focus on his other women and to leave u alone before the guilt kills u

Not telling your husband about a man being that disrespectful to you and to him is the same as letting the guy punch your husband in the face. You already had an emotional affair and your husband deserves to know about it. Especially if you might take it further or it may happen again. I wonder if you'd like if your husband had this going on with another woman how you would feel. In marriage people grow apart, take each other for granted. It is hard work being married. It doesn't seem like your marriage is bad. If you lost your husband forever over this scumbag, you'd regret it, and it could never be undone. It is easy to forget in the heat of the moment, but you've had time to think about it. The consequences are immeasurable.

Isnt it great to get that fresh feeling nervous feeling again like when you had your first relationship? Dont go for it, it will be good but you wont stop, and one day you will pay for it.

Hello, as a woman, wife & mother myself I suggest you should stop this inmediately. First of all, you are a narried woman, second think how you would feel after the fact of betraying the trust your husband has in you, third, this guy is not even worth it ( or anyone else is for that matter).

I think that you could tell your husband how you feel about noticing how pretty you look or throwing a little romance into your martiage?

Also, in you engaging in a sexual relationship with this individual, besides it being a dishonest act this could jeopardize your job?

I leave this up to you & do not mean to judge you or intrude in any way. I wish you the best in what ever you decide!

"He keeps telling me that he knows hes got me and I'll be giving it up soon."
That is an insincere and scummy thing to say to someone, anyone, in any relationship.
His words may sound sweet on the surface, but listen to the content: He is already taking you for granted!

If you let him get any further (and you have already over-exposed yourself to manipulation and to a threat of job loss), he will treat you like a sack of **** when he gets what he wants.

You could to do a couple of things:

Document. Make a careful survey of the meetings you have had and the escalation of his advances. This is a pretty clear case of workplace sexual harassment, but you do not want to be on the wrong end of an accusation without evidence. Get a log of his texts from the phone company. If he is using company resources to woo you, note it too - both the harassment and use of company assets for personal purposes are causes for dismissal.

Clear the air with your husband. Make sure you two are on solid ground. If he finds the texts without being brought up to speed he can only think you are cheating, which you are - emotionally that is. Somehow he needs to be brought up to speed with the fact that someone is hitting on you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. At some point he will need to know that you are refusing these advances and trying to diffuse the other guy's expectations and get distance from him without causing trouble at work.

Find another ally at your workplace. In all likelyhood, someone is going to get fired over the entanglement, or be forced to quit. You have to be prepared for that eventuality, but having someone else you can trust to back you up will strengthen your case.

What this guy is trying to do, in effect, is get you to agree to a rape. He thinks he has enough influence over your workplace life and hooks into your emotional state to get you to comply. Don't.

Forget this guy, he has an ex and a gf 3 months pregnant that he just up and left. He is a ***** and do not believe a word of how much he loves you.

It is obvious that his flattery has had an effect on you,and it seems to me that you could stop the texts at any time. Maybe a part of you does want this excitement and attention,but the other part says that you would commit 100% to the idea if only you were the only girl in his life(your husband aside of course). There is a way that you could be happier about this. Always have the opinion that both he and yourself could have a relationship of some convenience to both parties,meaning emotional themes such as jealousy can never have the slightest part of this. You must also have the likelihood of non exclusive sex at the front of your mind at all times. I would also be very discrete in especially in the workplace,because I do not believe you want to willingly hurt your husband.
To sum things up then,friends with benefits is the way forward for you in this instance,but please get agreement with this man about ground rules and then everything between both of you is not only possible,but should also ensure friendship remains if either of you wish to change you mind about being intimate between each other.

leave him...tell your hubby...don't wait until ice break...and don't lie... you love your husband with only 3 quarters heart..now you are tempted...fly away into the comfort of your hubby

Difficult indeed.... If he is a player it is double scary you don't want to be gamed. Another point is he may "intuitively" sense your low self esteem thus sense you are easy prey. I encourage you to avoid txt'ing him as they are easily traced via the phone bill. All one has to do is get a detailed bill and it will list ALL numbers with time and date of each txt.
On the other hand, it is exciting to be validated as an attractive, sensual being. It is beyond rewarding to have another express a physical and emotional attraction.

I think you are treading on thin ice....then again "Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all."

Easy for me to say as I am quite dissatisfied with my home life and would be easy prey for a woman that showed appreciation, and interest in me.

Sound like to much baggage (problems) and you should stop the communication now.
You are tempted to find a way to have fun with the guy, and you will. HOwever, this put you up against two other women and a baby that the gf witll have. Keep being sweet and wait for another offer that doesnot have a lot of baggage.

you must like him , you still talking to him.

Well my advice will be to avoid him why jeopardize ur lovely marriage for some jerk

You're not in too deep unless u think so! So stop thinking that way and laugh it off! It is perfectly normal to be attracted to someone. But it is best if it remains that way! Talk to ur husband about it and see how he gives you the extra attention out of sheer jealousy! You will love it...

Thanks everybody. I didn't sleep at all last night. I think actually getting it off my chest opened my eyes a lot. He text me this am and asked if he could see me. After a few message's.told him I couldn't do it anymore and whatever we had was over

Sounds to me like you made the right choice, really really reeeeeeeeeeeeally well done. Such an incredibly strong move. By the way this guy sounds like a smooth talking ****.

I agree with florida...work affairs are way too complicated. You have to look at them when it ebds..they often do not end well...

Forget work affairs, they are too complicated

A poor guy does not know the meaning of a human relations, but wanted to get only fruits to cheat someones love.

Tell him to go to hell, how dare he says that to you or any woman, all he wants is SEX not sharing love, he is a scumbag, a worthless piece of crap and a **** poor example of a man.

Hi from Hawaii! iamashley. Sounds like you have a solid marriage and you say you love your husband? having an affair is neither good or bad and who are we to judge one another. But as long as we can live with our decision of having an extramartial affair and the consequences or the outcomes of this, is totally your ones call.