I Think I Just Stopped Myself From Making The Biggest Mistake Of My Life

I've felt like a horrible person for the past couple of days for contemplating doing something basically immoral in my eyes.

me & my ex boyfriend, who was my first love, strongest love.
have basically been communicating over fb on & off for about
2 years now ( not constantly or anything) but ..
everytime we do speak, he brings up the past..
how he still loves me, how he wishes things were different
how we were supposed to have kids together (i miscarried)
we were young, we spent almost 3 years of on and off
dysfuntion together.. he never knew what, or should i say
who he wanted , and it always ended up back to me. .
well .. one of the girls he contantly went back and forth to..
he was her first love as well.. i've actually fought this girl over him
3 years ago. well now, they're married, just had a baby.

see, when we had broken up .. i became involved with my neighbor, he pushed me toward him. I ended up pregnant, and he didn't find out til months later. We didn't speak for a few months, because he chose her over me , after basically using me. I was always in the "i love two women" triangle .. and it was ridiculous..
i feel like i'm still in it.

anyways, he was in the army.. they began dating again.. when she visited him hours away, he called me after she left, i was 7 months pregnant. He found out who i was pregnant by, and cried (he knows him) Meanwhile ..
he could have had me, i went through so much for him .. i basically lived for him from 16-18. it seemed much longer .
He chose her over me.. well surprisingly after that he jumped into purposing to her .. they got married .. they've been married for almost 2 years now, and ever since .. he still contacts me .. bringing up all the same ****.

We went through alot together, but he's obviously an *******, and stupid, and got married for all the wrong reasons. Obviously , he loves her duh. He loves me still too.. but oh ******* well .. nothing can ever come of that. he made his bed he now has to lie in it. I'm a single mother of a 2 year old, that little boy is my entire world. I've been through alot since our parting.. The father of my son was a very manipulating, controlling, abusive in everyway basically .. gangster... turns out. Put me through hell , and of course is a dead beat.

And i get lonely and ****, and i always think of him, he still thinks of me.
& i hate that..

Basically where i'm getting at is. . i was contemplating on seeing him, when he came back home .. basically i'd be having an affair with a married man.
i know it's wrong, i knew it was wrong.. i kept telling him that, and he didn't care. he insists that she'll never find out, and that he doesn't care because he's always gonna love me .. and he wants us to be the way we were.
but that's impossible...... and i know damn well if i were to see him...
we'd laugh, talk about everything, fall deep into everything, and end up having sex. I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT, that i can't be around him. But a huge part of me wants to so bad because .. he has a piece of my heart i feel like.
But i just can't be that woman, i can't be the secret, the other woman. just to feel that feeling again, because in the end it's gonna destroy me.
And i would never want that to happen to me , and i'm a firm believer in karma.

So after three days of thinking about it .. i was gonna reply to him with a yes or no answer to see him when he comes...

and i decided to go to his wifes profile ..
There was a picture of them taken on the day he was saying all this to me..
and then it just clarified all that i felt.. that it would indeed destroy me cuz in the end... he's still gonna be married, go home to her. do everything with her, live with her, raise their kid with her. take pictures with her, all of that ****.
I feel like it should have been me , but oh ******* well.
When it comes down to it .. HE'S MARRIED, HE CHOSE FOREVER.
and I refuse to be a homewrecker no matter how i feel about her, when it comes down to it... he just doesn't give a ****, either way.
that's just a terrible thing to want to do.
& it's been weighing me down just thinking about it
so god for bid .. if i actually did it, i'd be ruined.
& i could possibly start something that i don't want started at alll.....
tons of drama, guilt .. or a full blown affair.
no ..

so i pulled myself together & i blocked him.........
without a word. I just blocked him.

I feel proud of myself, and ashamed for wanting to go through with it at the same time.

it's just time to leave us behind. for good...
belladisastro belladisastro
18-21
1 Response Nov 28, 2012

good for you girl,,,plenty of single guys