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Do Not Want To Live In A Desert

A desert; vast, empty, difficult to sustain life and scant precipitation. That is what I often feel my marriage is like.
First the positives:
My wife ( I believe) is not seeking romance or the like outside of the marriage.
She does her share (and more) of the basic domestic stuff like laundry, cooking and cleaning.
She contributes her fair share to the financial well being of the household.
She tells me she loves me regularly.

The Problems:
Nearly zero sex and less passion and romance.
She complains of a myriad of physical ailments and refuses to see a physician or therapist.
Little things that become big ones;
She will not disengage the couch or whatever she is doing to greet me when I get home.
When she arrives home from work it is nearly impossible to get her attention or any type of affection other than the most cursory pecks on the cheek.
Candle lit dinners prepared by me, running a bath for her (with or with out candles and or bubble
bath ..... may elicit a thank you.
Whole body massage...some as long as an hour only serve to put her to sleep of I get a res-
pose to the effect "Oh that was so nice lets not ruin it with sex.'
Flowers, jewelry, cards, letters (and emails) don't seem to pique her romance.

So you see I feel I live in a Desert. Nothing seems to flourish, I have read the books, spoke with the so-called experts,and sought advice from other couples.....VAST resources yet nothing seems to grow. I am left empty, and frequently feeling sorry for myself .

So I am thinking having an affair with an understanding woman, one capable of romance, passion and yes loving me. A woman healthy enough to want and seek intercourse. I believe if I were to find such a woman I would leave this desert for an environment where I might flourish.

My wife has said should she ever find out I was having an affair that would be the end....I haven't the courage (YET) to let her I am feeling it is over anyway.
aucado54 aucado54 56-60, M 5 Responses Dec 8, 2012

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I understand how you are feeling. I too feel the same way at times.

Wow...I am speechless!! All I can say is an affair is definitly NOT the route here, there has to be another solution to this issue. I would suggest open up to her, tell her how important this is to you. (maybe you have already done so).
I think it must be something medical that is affecting her regarding sex. Its unfortunate she is not willing to seek medical assistance. I'm sorry about your situation & really wish you the best.

Thank you for your comment and encouragement. The affair thing seems to come more from my being a bit self centered; however, there is little point of staying in the game with a losing hand.
Wanting love, romance, passion, adventure and sex in a marriage is not wrong. I am not talking of swinging from vines and events that are way on the side of unusual. Heck her just initiating physical contact would be a dramatic change.
I am rather clear that going down the road of an affair is risky and may be the end of this marriage not to mention disrespectful of our relationship. Yet back and forth I go.... is it not as, or even more, disrespectful to me and our relationship to refuse to seek medical or emotional help?
This slope I am on ....slipping away seems to be gaining momentum and getting steeper as time goes by. The hunger, for feeling wanted as a sensual being as opposed to being a room-mate is a powerful force indeed. I am not willing to settle for crumbs when I know there is a banquet of life happening, a banquet I want to participate in.

I understand your frustration completely. I will disclose perhaps the opposite to what you are having. My husband was diagnosed with protate cancer 2 yrs ago, prostate was removed then & he is dancer free today. Yet, because the surgery there have been some health related issues where our sex life has suffered drastically!!! So, I am just takinf it day by day in that respect. Despite the fact that I miss the physical contact, I try my best to understand the situation & have never thought of an affair, because I adore my husband & respect him, as well as appreciate him. All I can say to you, is seek happiness but do it the righ & honest route. Wish you the best!

Dude, you dont sound like you need to have an affair, you just need to get your sexlife back up to snuff. While your wife might not want to have sex with you NOW, she definitely still wants sex. Truthfully, dudes need to maintain their sexual health every bit the same as they do their physical health. If you cant get her to be excited about sex, change it up, do some penis exercises to get your junk back up to where it is hard and can go for as long as you want. Your D will also get fatter and longer if you work out properly, which will improve your confidence, which will have your wife wanting you again.

You sound like you still love your wife, so dont ruin it man, people go through sexual ruts. If you go have an affair and start another relationship from scratch, its just a matter of time until you hit a rut again. Confidence is the biggest aphrodisiac for women, throw in a fatter weener and maybe do some research on g-spot, a-spot, cul de sac errogenous zones and your problem will be solved, sir.

I appreciate your insight and suggestions.
Having my "junk" working is not the problem. Even the most skilled and well equipped farmer is unable to use their skills and tools in an environment that doesn't foster or support growth.

Indeed lol, wasnt so much implying that there was something wrong w your junk, just that making it bigger/etc will make you feel better about yourself, which will make your wife want you more(if your flacid hang gets 2" longer, she will notice and take interest..i promise). Really though if there is anything causing confidence problems (outside the sexual desert) i would address it

In past relationships, when i hit sexual ruts, it was always due to confidence issues, women are incredibly keen to confidence levels.

Its so hilarious how man talk / write to eachother, totally different than us females in some ways. I had a couple of laughs while reading this.

Yeah, I suppose size matters more to some than others. His statement (after re-reading this post), about confidence may well have resonance. it is difficult to have confidence if you never get to practice let alone perform.

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Sex and love are different things, or should be. If you have love... look for pure sex. Don't let one ruin the other.

True.
Pure love can in theory exist without pure sex. Sex is not an absolute for love. Healthy mature human emotional relations require the 5% "adhesion" sex provides. I am a healthy man and believe if I am to be involved in an emotional relationship I believe having a sexless relationship is not healthy for me. I can seek all I care to in the desert for verdant pastures yet the environment is such that it will not support much life. In my case I am nearing the point of believing if I am to survive I need to move on, or find irrigation.

It seems you have to move on. There is no love in your relationship.
Pure love exist without sex. I am sure you love multiple people and you don't have that 5%. Of course not.
On the other hand, a good partner should provide both love and sex, for sure, and many other things difficult to enumerate. If, for whatever the reason, with your partner is only sex that is missing, you can find it elsewhere. If your partner doesn't like concerts, you could go with someone else and you wouldn't break your partnership, unless this issue is so relevant that could put your relation in question. I am not going to deny that sex is terribly important. But it seems you are looking for a divorce and not for an affair. Think carefully and act on.

An excellent point. Thank you much for your insights. Sometimes, I am guilty of having blinders on, thank you again.

You need to tell her how unhappy you are. This may motivate her to see a therapist or MD to address her lack of sexual interest. Has anything occurred in the marriage which could cause her to be disinterested?

Truly not that I am aware of. She is over 50 and couches much of her lack of libido in that. However what I have and continue to read is women having near zero libido after 50 is more folklore than fact.
I know you are correct about telling her where I am at. To some degree I have yet I am sure I can be more direct and less circumspect.

I'm glad you brought that up...I truly don't like generalization. I do not have the medical knowledge or the related facts, I can only speak for myself. I went through menopause early and in my early 40s my libido shot through the roof and it has only come down occasionally since then. I am now waaaay past 50 and the last sexual encounter I had with my husband (too long ago now to remember) he was huffin & puffing to keep up....and he's 8 yrs younger than me. Our mileage varies. Sounds to me like your wife needs to be seen by her doctor however if she's anything like my husband she may go but she may not push the issue. "You can lead a horse to water.....".