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Human Nature, Our Society And Marriage

I am a happily married man with children in my 40s.Today I am here to discuss what I came to believe with my life experience and others around me.

Marriage is a wonderful thing that our society invented to mainly protect our children and have a life long companion, someone to come home to and share life with. But when it comes to human nature marriage is nothing more than just a companionship after about 3-4 years.

I believe someday our society will come to an understanding and acceptance to separate marriage and sexual intimacy and fulfillment's.

By nature we men will seek out new and wonderful women to propagate our gene.

Women on the other hand by nature will seek out men with better quality for better offspring.

So it is natural for us to loose sexual interest and intimacy over time. It is also natural to build a strong emotional and social bond with each other by living with each other for so long. So, it becomes difficult to leave each other specially when there are children involved.

So we do the talk and the counseling and it works for a while but doesn't last. Ultimately we make the hard decision to either divorce or scarifies or worst we cheat.

I personally don't hold people responsible for cheating, because I get it. Our desire is so strong even the public figures including President Clinton cannot control themselves. I believe we unfairly hold the cheaters responsible on a moral ground when they are doing what comes naturally.

I did some research on swinging. A successful swinging couple is a happy couple. I think they are more mature in this field, they know what's coming and prevent that from happening by becoming swinger. Unfortunately My wife is completely against it. BTW did I mentioned if your relationship sucks you don't wanna be swingers

I also saw documentary that in some Chinese village the husband used to go and visit someone Else's wife after the night fall.

Earlier I mentioned that I am happily married, and I believe I am, we love each other very much and have no intention to divorce, no matter what,  always romantic, anytime I talk about 'it' she is interest but we avarage may be once a month. My mind wonders, but I try to do the "So called" right thing, Lots of self control, is it really need to be this way!


Thanks for reading.

hyrok40 hyrok40 36-40, M 21 Responses Dec 13, 2012

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I've been married for 10 yrs. and my husband still strongly desires me. Partly because he is still in love with me and partly I believe because I own my sexuality and build seduction and mystery into the marriage. I still flirt with my husband and make him chase me. I also know other women in marriages that have the same dynamics. But the problem is that many marriages are so damn boring . And the other thing is that it's natural to feel attraction for others. I don't think there is anything wrong with looking or even flirting a little. I'd make a terrible swinger though. I need an emotional attachment to have sex so it's really not for me. So ya, if my husband asked me to swing I'd probably hit him over the head with a frying pan. But he knows that so he won't ask! lol

Why would you think swingers don't have emotional attachment. I never swinged and my wife will never either but, most swinging really happens among couple friends that are really in love with each other. read up.

I hate the word swinging. Perhaps describing it as an open relationship would be a little easier. Nevertheless, I think it's better to be in an open relationship than it would be to cheat! Because the most hurtful part of cheating is the deception.

But I do disagree with your post as I think it generalizes far too much! People are all different. Some are more prone to monogamy than others.

And the other part that I find difficult, would you really want to know that your wife is in love and having sex with your friend right in front of your face.?

It doesn't have to be right in front of your face. :)

Where you are coming from is called social doctorin, it plays a big part in our psychology. and I am talking about natural urge. Thanks for your comments.

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I do not have any interaction with married men.

Well well well.... I have to honestly say that I actually see your point and can relate to what your point is , however I feel like maybe this is just your opinion and although I agree in some ways I actually disagree in others.

I like you find life a challenge and at times this effects my sex drive with my husband , I also feel things. Emotions that are real to me and I know if I act on them I would hurt a lot of people .

I wouldn't eBay to be responsible for hurting my husband or my children, not for any **** . Sorry to put it so bluntly but that in itself is what sex is between a married couple it is however more than that. And for me sex is also intimate fully clothed, which is what I find comforts me on rainy cold days or lonely times , some days I don't find myself attracted to my husband or even my own reflection in the mirror can make me shudder lol but I know a the end of the day I have US and that to me is what I want my life to be about .


I hope you and your wife can build on things and perhaps even buy some massage lotions or enjoying wine together responsibly ....

Thanks for your advise so far in re to my own silly billy nonsense I appreciate the fact you saw it as black and white but I am Afraid I need to be more sensitive than that round our children.

Thank you and hope your enjoying your day with those that truly matter in your life .

Regards

A friend

Thanks for the comment. me and my wife are good right now, we communicate very openly. It\'s my friends and relatives, almost every marriage around me are non active. i know it\'s their choice but I blame our society.

Very..good info

Thanks mate

Dude I feel your pain...you aren't the only one who see the dark side of this society

About the reproducing part ....it's like a jungle, the female will copulate only with the stronger male which in this society translate women gets man who are financially stable !

Yup, but more and more women are getting financially independent. Our society is changing, first the change happen in rich then poor and we catch up.

Thanks, I don\'t want to call it dark, Most doesn\'t like to think out of the box even if they are hurting.

You right bro !

About autonomous ,women are\'nt getting the upper hand on that part...most of them who are independent are either trying to recover from a divorce ,a relationship or not attractive enough to get themselves a guy to settle down with ,but after that all women psychologically wants a guy on their side ,they might not talk about it in public but they will always feel better when a guy try to pick on them

True, we all want new love all the time ;)

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My wife is my best, and only friend. She is great in the bed and she is a great helpmate. But I am still attracted to other women and I am OK with the thought that she might have a lover on the side. We give each other lots of space. We are about to have our 30th anniversary.

Thank you for speaking up. I wish more people would think like us and stop the frustration of this hypocritical society.

?? So it\'s ok to let your wife have a lover on the side...an you\'ve been married for 30 years...and this would stop the frustration and hypocracy??? Now you\'ve really confused me. It\'s it hypocracy to want a marriage and love with one woman to last a lifetime...but then after 30 years say ok baby if you wanna **** someone else it\'s ok.

That\'s right, it should happen long before 30 years. So you have a partner to grow old with but also not frustrated. It is too hard for you to swallow, because you are brain washed by our social and religious doctorin. You would rather keep it in the shadow and not address it. The marriage counseling mumbo jumbo doesn\'t work. I would rather stay with my wife and be happy.

I agree with alot of what you say. I often have wondered how we can expect to pick the perfect person for to stay with for the rest of your life when you are young, trusting, are inexperienced with the ways of the world and don't understnad how devious women are. Men and women are after different things in a marriage. Women more often than not, are after money. They want a successful guy with alot of money who they can kave kids with, divorce and lead the perfect lazy life she never had to lift a finger for. Most men marry for love, but then they see what they got stuck with...or more accurately, after they fulfilled their purpose and have to face a woman's indifference, they get sick of it and want out. This usually takes about, as the author points out, about 3 to 4 years...most of this is due to the nine months of pregnancy the paper work of the divorce once the women has the guy as defenseless as he will ever be and the poor guy realizes what happened to him.

It's really too bad what society has done to marriage, it took something that was good and made it totally worthless and painfull. For men, marriage has no real value, it's really a way to provide welfare for entitled women. I really feel that once a relationship has run it's course and it's time to come to an end, the two parties should be able to part without any money exchanging hands. I'll never understand why a man should have to give money for the rest of his life to woman he probably never wanted in the first place.

So, the way that modern marriage is it's really an antiquated idea. Most marraiges end in divorce and most of those who stick it out are never really happy and stay in the marriage because of the kids or financial issues.

Thanks for your comment, you may be a little too harsh on woman based on your experience, but they are not all the same. With economical freedom most woman don't want to be a burden. Look at the other side of the story, inner city blacks and welfare community in America having babies without wedlock and living the children and the woman to fend for themselve, that's not fair either.

Women don't want to be a burden??? I think they do, that's their game! Marry the rich one and divorce his ***...you can be a burden on him and live on his dime for the rest of his life. In the case of the inner city, marriage is more the way it should be. If the woman starts acting like a *****, the guy can leave her and even if she plays the divorce card, she doesn't get anything cause he doesn't have anything. She then has to fend for herself (sob sob).

If divorce was taken away as an option and men could opt out like this, I think you would see women more willing to act like human beings, since being a ***** wouldn't pay anymore. They would have to do what the could to stay married and have the guy still want to take care of her.

Before the divorce law and a few other equality law, men took heavy advantage of no protection for woman. Women used to end up in poor house with their children, I don't want that back. There are bad and good on both side, I will never generalize all woman want to live off of men. I have many women friends that are divorced and work for living.

Of course women use to end up poor because they aren\'t the ones behind the desk thinking about how to make a few bucks everyday ,they somehow always get a guy paying everything for her ....appropriate to the laws of court woman is the natural owner of the child even if she couldn\'t make the baby on her own, majority of the cases in court system the child-support process works on the woman\'s favor even if it\'s not necessary for the guy to pay it... (FEELINGS DOESN\'T PAY THE BILLS) i guess now it\'s all business, either get use to it or avoid it

Absolutely! Maybe together we can get hyrok 40 to see the light.

If women were faced with the possiblity of no divorce settlement and would end up in the poor house, I think women would think twice before the decided to act like a *****. This is certiainly the way iy ought to be. The way it is now, women are basically being paid to act like a *****.

Not all are like that, sorry for your experience

I\'m also sorry for your experience. If you take the role of legitimizing how unfair everything is to men, upholding the woman\'s viewpoint, you become part of the problem.

JB02157 ...you told the absolute truth in your comment

Both of you probably experienced divorce and our court system. I didn\'t, so you may be right that our court system may lean towards the women, but all women are not there to take advantage of men. There are good and bad in all people.

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Wow I have a lot to say on this . In my opinion, if u commit ure self to somebody I don't think u should cheat, nd before it comes to this, I think u should tell ure partner nd see if there willing to change this need that u want to fulfill. Umm I think singers are nasty personally mainly for females bcuz a man's fluids stay inside the women (if protection isn't used) I think it's nasty regardless nd makes u a "hoe" that's just watt I was taught growing up.

Thanks, I am happy for you

I think only people who live in this sort of relationship can fully understand what it is like. and where as we may say that cheating crosses our minds it doesnt mean we are actually gonna go out there and cheat! xx

Thanks for your comment, That's the social doctrin of guilt

Interesting thoughts....I think you hit the nail on the head with a lot of them...

Thank you. You have no idea how encouraging this is. I've never understood why married people will throw everything away--their finances, their homes, their children's emotional stability--all because one of the partners wants to have sex with someone else. Just the mere mention of the possibility will lead couples to divorce and I don't get it. You LOVE this person. He/She is the one you want to grow old with and share misery with. That is nothing compared to just having sex with someone else, yet the urge to do that can be so intense that left unsatisfied it will create bitterness which then really destroys the relationship. Just let your partner play outside once in a while, so long as it isn't romantic (as in, they love the other person in exception of you). It's just sex.

Thanks for your comment. The divorce also affect close family. I was so close the my brother in law, after my sister in law divorced him, it's not the same. My close friends divorced, now we cannot invite both. My daughter goes to a catholic school, three time in last two years I heard her saying my friends parents are devorcing. All this makes me think, How long our social doctrine of marriage (the way we know) will continue?

Hyrok40, I think your fun is going to be over for awhile. Your non sense of natural order has hurt your wife. You probably have a lot of growing up to do. You made it sound like all the cards were on the table. Mentioning that you are happily married, yet need more sex, so you might seek it elsewhere. You even called yourself honest. REALITY CHECK COMING YOUR WAY!

Sex, intimacy are one in the same for woman. I have been married 14 years to my soul mate cheating husband. He has emotional affairs with beautiful woman. I have caught him yet again. Why? Because he complicates his life. Because his ego and insecurities RULE HIM. Because of opportunity. Because of temptation. The list is ENDLESS. We have sex at least 4-5 times a week. We laugh, joke, worship and everything in between. I am a good wife and mother, and we don't have boring sex either. When a woman has sex with a man, a powerful hormone expels into her body which forms loyalty. Men act so kept, like you are suffering. What would our world look like is we cut you loose? Men and woman stay because of love, commitment, friendship. If you really believe that it's natural to go woman to woman to spread your genes, do it. Or better yet, tell your wife your ideals. If and when she no longer requires you, based on your natural order of things, she will set you free to find someone that suits her better.

Thanks for your comment and sorry that your husband cheated on you in some form. You believe what you believe based on your life experience. You can explain behavior many ways. I still believe our society is not compatible with our nature and it is hurting us.

How is it hurting us? Why did you even consider marriage? If anything, we are becoming a more selfish society that feels that their "word" holds no value. Where and will it stop? All things being fair, do you realize that the actual natural order of nature in today's AGE HAS DEVALUED the necessity of MEN in general. Oh it gets better, woman are sick of loafers with no integrity, that lack goals, COMMITTMENT or initiative. What are woman to do? On record in the US, we file for divorce, which happens to be 80% of the filings COME FROM WOMAN. Your gonna have to evolve or you let's face it, be extinct just like your cave man theory.

My wife asked me the same question, why did you consider marriage? My answer is, Our life exparience changes us. I didn't used to think that way.

Woman are getting more successful in work place and becoming indipendent and they are probably more honest and don't want to put up with crap, I agree with you. But at the same time those cavemen are not having any problem finding women.
Like my wife "summergirr" said, SelfControl is the only way you can be faithful, not because it comes naturally. And that's the problem I am trying to address.
Talk to you tomorrow, have a good night.

there are times when ur man needs attention..and so your woman..unfortunately..if u have this need to flirt with other people...and she is not able to do that... and if she hold excuses, may be u rnt able to see y,,,, relationships break..its both ways ... who knows even she craves for someone more intelligent guy:)

For what it's worth, I don't mind her flirting with other men, she already did that and felt very guilty about it.

I like to speak my mind every now and them, sorry if I have ofended you.

i commented on human nature sir...its not directed at you..its a general comment..i also am sorry if you took it personally..but that's how things are happening... if everythin goes like the way you are explaining..i think men will end up producing a gene pool... with endless genes ... and wudnt learn responsibility towards women...you need to work on the loopholes of your marriage..you are living denial..and you are saying..you are happily married ..trust me if youare happily married..you wud evolve better..commitment..loyality... are the values which are both for men and women...:) lotta hardwork ahead sir..!

i have seen nurturing goes bothe ways... we should work on each other as a couple... everyone needs the "attention"...

if you want sex..she shud be able to see that...

if she holds excuses ..you should be able to see that...

if you feel an urge to flirt with others..you both should be able to crack the reasons...

wishes! ,.may you find happiness

I have another one, If you don't like sex, get married.

Why would you say that exactly?

After some time (5-7 year) for most it just doesn't happen any more. some can renew their vow, some just stay in it for obligation. We keep renewing our vow to kepp it going.

I am like-minded. I believe that love and sex are seperate. I believe that no single person can fulfill all of our needs. We are all creatures of sin, and we all commit sin, if we are to define sin as morals that society sets. The same person who condemns you for infidelity is a liar, a theif, an abuser, a drunkard.....something. Do what makkes you happy.

Thanks, well said!

Exactly! I, for one, would never have an affair wherein I lied to the other person about "I love you" or "I'll leave my husband". Never! That's a ******* mind game. THAT'S dishonest. My extra sexual partners know it's just physical and that the only reason I keep it secret is because I can't bear to hurt my husband. That's a fact. It's isn't about me. I could get divorced and move out and live on my own, but it's him I would worry about.

Here is a good definition of marriage. celibacy in secret. :)

i would nver be happy with swinging its not my nature...

Thanks for the comment, it's not for everybody, you need right mindset and a very closenet group with emotional bond. I will never findout besacuse of my wife.

sadly in marriages things change and the once sexual person you were with is now not.
I understand where you are coming from. And i hope you find a way to fill your needs. But honetly if i was getting 45 min twice a month i would not be here. I guess LACK is as relative a term as morals

Thanks for your comment. I try almost every night with being nice, thoughful and respectful, shower, mood setting, lots of back rubbing, she loves it all but I only get lucky once or twice a month. In this realtionship I am all giving. Not a lot of active participation from her. Hope you get the point.

i understand. if you did not put in the work she would not put out any at all. Sad but true. there is always one in every dying marriage.

I so understand were your coming from, i'm married but I feel something is not the same,
anymore I still love him with all my heart,and have no intentions of leaving him and devastating our family. And if people do cheat I can understand why, and I do not think anyone should pass judgement after all we are all humans beings, and no one is perfect.

Thanks katy for your supporting comment. Hope you find a balance of marriag and intimacy in your life :)

Wow. This is about the longest discussion I have seen in a long time. I guess many people have different out looks on sharing and cheating while others have fantasies about what they are not sure what they want. After thirty years of marriage, I am sure whatever my wife might do behind my back has already been done, and the same thing apply vice versa. So, with that said, why not just bring everything out in the open, eliminate all the guilt and enjoy each other like we use to do before all the jealousy.