Considering For A Long Time.

My story.....

My wife and I have been married for 3.5 years and 10 years in total. She was my first girlfriend and i was hers as well; the only difference was that i dated and tried building relationships. Now to the marriage....

I am ashamed to admit that i am married to an abusive women. The abuse was always present in the premarriage phase of the relationship. The abuse consists of verbal, emotional and in marriage led to physical. I have been stranded in the middle of the night because i said no to her, I have been hit because she was angry, my feelings never considered, i put my career on hold for 3 years so she can finish her masters (which she regrets getting) and i have sacrificed friends, sanity, family and my future. After a few weeks of marriage i started feeling inadequate. Everything i did was not enough all my efforts to change some of my flaws were not enough. After every argument she would threaten with divorce or she would leave the house. I would consistently tell her that one day i would walk out and not return, i would tell her that i am her husband not her enemy and that she cannot speak to me in that manner. After another argument  she was belittling me in front of her family, which happens often, calling names and telling me i am not good enough. I pulled her aside and tried to calm her down. She continued to belittle me and took a few swings towards me. I calmly walked away and she followed i walked outside thinking that she would not follow, eh, she was even louder. These scenes were very common even in our dating phase. After this episode i left the home for a month. During this month i was very honest with myself and her.I also said some very hurtful and emotional things to her.  She stated that since i left she has noticed her errors and is willing to change.

After i returned we started seeking professional counseling. Counseling is helping me but not our relationship. Counseling has helped me realized that i have been out of love for a long time. I don't think i want to continue this marriage. Besides her temper she is a great girl. She is honest, independent, hard worker, good values, beautiful, intelligent in other words she has a lot to offer. What she has to offer is what's keeping me around. I am afraid of being alone and afraid that i will not find someone as honest as she is (honesty is very important), is it right to stay with someone even though love may never be there? Through therapy i have realized that i have been out of love since before the engagement. I was in love with the first part of our relationship. I always thought we would get that back. I feel that she has noticed my lack of feelings for her and it contributes to our issues. 
freyn1 freyn1
6 Responses Jul 13, 2010

You seem like a great man. Divorce is very difficult. Many of us stay in a relationship because divorce is a rough alternative. If you have children, then divorce is a heavy burden. Do not blame yourself and think of the rest of your life. Your wife has some very deep issues that in no way involve you, but I suspect they come from a much deeper, personal place that she must face alone. I myself have not been happy for years, but leaving has been something I have put off. I too long for happiness. Good luck.

Your story sounds familiar, only I am a woman and in your shoes. I have been in this marriage for 33 years..way too long. I realized a very long time ago things were not right and now at my age I am thinking about finally leaving. I am from an age when people kept trying and trying to stay together which I did, but cannot take anymore. If you have that empty cold feeling that I am so familiar with now..don't wait as long as I have to get out. The love doesn't come back once you've been abused. Maybe it has for some, but I would bet few and far between. You are still very young, you have a long life ahead of you, how long do you want to live with that cold, empty feeling?

Sooo...we are now doing the couple therapy thing and it is working. It is helping know myself better and realize the mistakes i made. It is also helping me understand her better and the reasons why she does what she does. The issue now is that it has been 10 years for me and just a few months for her. She now states that she realizes what she has done wrong and is willing to change. I do believe and i want to make it work on one part but another part of me just had enough. It took 10 years for me to realize that i just cannot function with her. She is a great person and has lots to offer. If I were to make a list, which I did of the things i look for she meets a lot of those. We met in our teens and are now in our mid 20's. I think part doesn't want to be alone or go into the field and play any games. It worng for me to stick around and wait and see what happens. I don't know this is difficult ot i am making it difficult. I feel that the love will always be there but there is no drive for me to express the love the way i did. I have to say that i have become a diffrent person cold and empty. <br />
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Thanks for your response guys.

I hope you get out of this soon.

It sucks that you are in that situation. But I think you already know what to do. You know how to make you life better. My question is when you will do that.

Wow that's got to be tough. I'll keep you in my prayers. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was 16 until I was 18. It messed me up pretty badly, but I'm getting better.<br />
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I honestly think you can do better. You need to find someone you can truly love. You'll be unhappy the rest of your life if you don't and you should put yourself first as well your heart. Because in the end when it's all said in done, thats what you have and that's what's truly yours.