My Husband Doesn't Want Me!

 Hello everyone,
    I am a 23 yr old Psychiatric assistant and full time psychology student. My husband is just a few years older than me and we have been married for almost 4 years. We dates for 4 years before that. We began having problems within a few months of our marriage. At first it was things like.... I don't cook and clean the way his momma does, and you don't work so you have no say about my money. Then the drinking started. He began drinking occasionally but it was  never a drink or two it was always more like he drank til he passed out or got sick. At first I honestly didn't do anything, I thought it wasn't a big deal maybe some kind of stage he was going through... I thought hey, pick your battles right this doesn't happen that often I can handle it. Then it got worse and worse, until finally he was drinking every single day usually before even getting home at night, he was getting drunk to the point of getting sick, stumbling around, etc at least 2 times a week, usually more. My life became hell..... when he had been drinking ...... he talked incoherently,used the bathroom on the dirty clothes( more than once), yelled at me calling me names and putting me down even to the point of kicking me out a few times in the middle of the night. To make things even worse he's usually so drunk he doesn't even remember doing these things and when I try to talk about it later, he calls me a liar! He has gotten a public drunk and a DUI within the past year. He just now got his license back. One night he told me he didn't love me and called me fat and well was just putting me down every way possible( including putting down my family) I got so upset I didn't know what do to so I left and spent about 2 weeks with my mother, then we talked and he told me he wanted me to come home and things would change.... he promised  he would go to"counseling or aa or whatever you want if i don't slow down on my own i promise." That lasted a few days. Then one night he came home and was very upset because he "heard through the grapevine that I was going to leave him because I thought he was on drugs." When I told him that I did not think that or feel that way and that it was just a crazy rumor because it's not true at all, he got really really mad and told me i was a liar! Finally one weekend things sort of came to blows.....Friday night he told me i was fat and didn't need to eat  so we weren't going to out for dinner( which were our plans),he then made fun of my sister, talked about how it would "be fun to shoot a ******", and pointed his gun toward me and laughed when I got upset all within about 2 hrs of him being there.... I went to bed and left him passed out in his recliner. The next night some friends were over and he drunkenly began to tell me about all the ***** clubs he had been to and all the **** he has in the house( which is according to my beliefs cheating... lusting after another woman) When I got mad and ask him to "go sleep it off at a friends tonight" he started yelling right in my face about how this is his house and he's not going anywhere! So I left.... I didn't talk to him for a few days.... then I called him to let him know where I was, that I was ok.... he very obviously didn't care. I decided to try just giving him a little space. So a few weeks later we talked( we had talked a few times during that time, but not about our marriage) he told me he didn't love me the way he should love a wife and he thought we would both be happier without each other, and that he didn't want me to come back he also rufused to go to a counselor Here is my problem............. My conservative beliefs tell me that divorce is only ok, when there has been adultery or abandonment. My lawyer says I have plenty of legal grounds for divorce. My preacher says I could divorce, but would have to continue to live faithfully to him so no I wouldn't be able to have another relationship. I am very confused. Things running through my head........ I don't want to give up on my marriage, but how can i be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me, If he wants a divorce why hasn't he filled, if he doesn't love me why does he still call me baby and stuff when we talk, the only thing he says i've done wrong is ***** and get fat(in his words) could i really be fat enough to make him hate me so much, if he didn't want to be married why did he ever even propose, could this all be alcohol and if it is then isn't it my duty to stay with him and help him,......etc. Someone please help me sort this out! 
lucylee5 lucylee5
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 26, 2010

I am twice your age and am on my third marriage. What I have learned is you can NEVER change someone. So you need to decide if you can put up with his Alcohol and his putting you down for the rest of your life, or be happy. As far as your church...god wants us to be happy. And what your husband is doing is wrong. He is abusing you. He is the one committing the sin and not making your marriage work. Don't let religion run your life. You need to take care of you.