So Tired And So Lost...This is a new experience for me. I am so lost. I have given 16 years of my life to someone who I loved with every fiber of my soul. Until I had our first and only child about 4 years ago I never saw what I willingly overlooked. I am not saying we didn't have issues before because we did. I just always chalked them up to nothing major or that it was something i should figure out how to work around. When I became pregnant however I guess you could say my focus shifted and I was able to see so much.
He is not a bad person, he just isn't a good husband, father or friend.
So many things came to me and basically hit me right in the face. All the times that he chose other people or things over me or my family, the outbursts, him pointing out the problems "I" caused or my attitude. When I had to be hospitalized to induce labor my world fell apart. My husband was there, but he didn't really want to be. He brought his laptop and gamed or watched movies. My mother had to hold my hand thru contractions, my parents sat beside me when I started having complications. He never once offered or tried. This broke me inside. I had never needed him in a way that I did then. When I started to crash and they had to wheel me out for an emergency C-Section he didn't even know because he was asleep. Needless to say it was embarrassing to have everyone realize how un-important i was to him. When we got home the first night he helped me move some furniture around because I could not walk the stairs to our bed. He them gave me our son and walked away. While going up the stairs he said call me is you need anything. That was when I let go. My heart shattered in that moment and it has never been the same since, but part of me still loves him. That was 4 years ago.
I made a decision to keep trying to make our marriage work. I had a son and I wanted him to have a dad. I wanted him to have those memories. I also feared that I was the cause of so many of our problems, you know maybe i am hard to love or maybe i just don't have much to offer to someone. I also worried about our families reactions. Well it seems that this has done nothing but backfire. He has never kept our son overnight when I have to go out of town, he does not keep him on his days off, he doesn't take him to a store or anything. When i try to get them to spend time together it just ends up in him being angry. He would get mad if I asked him to help me during the night or to keep him for an hour so I could go to the store. He constantly complained that I was bitchy and that i made it so easy for him to hate me. I don't really spend time with him either, and he seems fine with that. That is until he knows that I am so close to just walking away and then the old James comes back. The one that is nice. the one that compliments me, he will spend a little time with our son, all just enough to make me wonder if he will change. Stupid of me I know.
Over this last two years I have realized just how manipulative he is. The thing that scared me the most was I realized how lost I was too. I have changed so much of who I was to make me who he would want. When I hit rock bottom I hit hard. I became so depressed it took 3 meds to get me out of the bed. I am doing better now. What I need is advice on how to let go and get past this feeling of failure. I am not in love with him, I do love him because even thru all the bad we did have some good. I was ok with this until the bad just over took any good that there was. I will also love him because he gave me the greatest blessing in my life, my son. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be hurt either.
Even tho neither of us are happy I know that he will be surprised by me wanting to leave or maybe that I am actually trying to leave. I dont really think he believes I am strong enough or maybe brave enough to walk away from all that I know with our son. But I want to. I want to leave now while my son still has a chance to not be as affected by him. I don't want my son to start imitating him or to think its ok to be this way. I know I am at fault here probably more than him for staying but I am just lost. I thought he was my forever. I know he isn't now. I just don't have anything left to give and well even if I did I am not sure that I would. I am at that point.
My heart hurts at the thought of hurting him or my son with this but I just don't know how to keep going. Our families have seen this coming for a long time, I think he is the only one that has chose to ignore it.
Advice or wisdom is greatly appreciated.