Suddenly Considering Divorce

 I've had a couple of affairs over the past year.  My husband in no way takes care of my needs in the bedroom and I've voiced my dissatisfaction on numerous occasions but to no avail. I'm finally having my sexual needs taken care of and I have no intentions of stopping.  I felt a little guilt during the first affair but I suppose I have adapted.  I can honestly say I feel no remorse or guilt.  I never dreamed I would even consider a divorce but I have to admit now that thought is slowly creeping into the back of my mind.  I am quite comfortable, and satisfied currently so I really am in no hurry to end the marriage.  But I now well realize I will ultimately need to divorce my husband.

Fraidekat16 Fraidekat16
26-30, F
15 Responses Feb 7, 2010

Bottom line you threw away a perfectly good marriage to the father of your child for sexual fulfillment. I think most people would agree that pretty much makes you a vain and selfish woman. Once again there is no new sexual morality, just more and more women are surfacing with absolutely no moral values.

I didn't make a conscious decision to cheat. It just happend. Ever had an affair? It's an emotional rollercoaster and so very easy to get caught up in. Of course I didn't tell him I was considering sex with someone else. But yes we talked about our problems in the bedroom numerous times before I ever had extramarital sex. I feel like I'm entitled to sexual fulfillment just like everyone else on this planet. I certainly don't feel that makes me a vain and selfish woman. However, of course I realize you're entitled to your opinion.

I think you decided on divorce the minute you cheated on your husband. It's not some sudden occurrence unless marriage is just some sort of business transaction, which btw it sounds like with you. You're so nonchalant about the fact that you destroyed the sanctity of your marriage. Did he do the same to you? Is that why you are so matter-a-fact about it? I think a lot of women out there have the misconception that men need a place and women need a reason when it comes to intimacy. Before you decided to cheat, if your husband was worth keeping, you should have talked to him and told him about your needs and that you were considering finding sex from someone else. If he said fine go ahead that's one thing but without that information I have to agree for the most part with DiscardedEx, you sound like a vain and selfish woman.

Thanks for your reply, the personal attacks were out of line granted. Being bitter is not going to get the guy anywhere in life. If you and your ex are on good terms and he gets to visit his daughter often that's great. Personally living in a sexless marriage, i don't plan on staying forever either but we all have our own lists on what we can and cannot handle and why we stay. I think a lot of times it's just convenience, dreading the division of property and other fun things.<br />
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Enjoy your single life! Maybe you will get married again sometime down the line and get what you miss about it. Sadly, passion generally tends to fade in all relationships after a few years but i have had some good long runs (six years with one girl) where we changed things up a lot and it was great.<br />
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Take care.

Erosatros,<br />
I can certainly understand Nick’s pain, and I might go so far as having a little empathy for Nick. If he hadn’t called me a “a vain, selfish, self-centered B*%$#.” That was uncalled for here, regardless of what he’s been through. His wife did basicaly what I did to my EX. The only difference being she moved in with her lover. No it wasn’t fair to Nick or my EX too for that matter. No doubt the courts are stacked in the womans favor. We’re all certainly aware of the fact. So it goes without saying, take care of our needs or we’ll find someone that will. Women do institute the majority of divorces. My EX and I do get along relatively well. Our only point of contention is still my seeing a lawyer before I broke the news to him. He still has some sort of feeling that we could have saved the marriage. Yes the girlfriend encouraged me to see her lawyer. That’s what friends are for. Had the situation been reversed I would have encouraged her as well.<br />
It sounds to me as if you need a divorce as well. Someone told me “If you think you need a divorce you probably do.” It’s difficult to get over the initial inertia. Get yourself a good divorce attorney and you’ll get that divorce you need.<br />
I think my daughter was in fact the perfect age for divorce. She’s doing very well. And quite honestly it looks as if she’ll grow up in a society where just about everyone’s parents are divorced. So many women in affairs now, so many divorces, so many remarriages. I suppose there is no end in sight.<br />
I am enjoying being single again. Moreso than before my marriage. I’ve had my share of sexual partners since we first separated and I’ve pretty much narrowed it down to just a couple now. I do love my sexual freedom but suprisingly there are a number of things about marriage I miss.

I think it was right for you to get a divorce, though nick brings up some food for thought. I often play the devil's advocate in situations just to try and get an insight from somebody else's perspective. Leaving at two, or three or fifteen may or may not affect your child. My folks divorced when I was two, remained amicable and my dad seemed pretty relieved not to have to deal with family life to be honest. <br />
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I am in a sexless marriage and will get a divorce eventually if that does not improve, as I personally cannot condone adultery. I am not religious or higher-than-mighty, I just have a bit of empathy. How would I feel if I walked in my wife ******* the mailman? It would be truly sad if my answer was: wouldn't care.<br />
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Nick seems to have lost his kid in the custody battle when his wife was out ******* other people and decided to go play house somewhere else. How fair is it to him that he does not get to see his kid.<br />
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Try and have a little empathy, it will make you grow as a person. Now go and enjoy your single life!

I think it was right for you to get a divorce, though nick brings up some food for thought. I often play the devil's advocate in situations just to try and get an insight from somebody else's perspective. Leaving at two, or three or fifteen may or may not affect your child. My folks divorced when I was two, remained amicable and my dad seemed pretty relieved not to have to deal with family life to be honest. <br />
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I am in a sexless marriage and will get a divorce eventually if that does not improve, as I personally cannot condone adultery. I am not religious or higher-than-mighty, I just have a bit of empathy. How would I feel if I walked in my wife ******* the mailman? It would be truly sad if my answer was: wouldn't care.<br />
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Nick seems to have lost his kid in the custody battle when his wife was out ******* other people and decided to go play house somewhere else. How fair is it to him that he does not get to see his kid every day?<br />
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Try and have a little empathy, it will make you grow as a person. Now go and enjoy your single life!

Thanks for your comments Stillkicking.

I think that anyone who's lived in a sexless marriage can totally understand what is going on here. If someone is denying their spouse physical affection then they have already left the marriage - and worse - stayed there. I don't know FK16's total situation but I doubt that "blowing her socks off" is the issue; she said "meeting her needs" and it sounds like she wasn't the first to leave the relationship.

Becomingmymom,<br />
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"I’m afraid your daughter’s question is a sign of the times. My daughter asked almost the same question. I wouldn’t worry. You’re not likely to change her view. She will grow up to realize husbands are truly disposable. Her Mom will become her role model just like my Mom became mine. It’s pretty much a given."<br />
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I will never understand women like you and my EX but I do find the above paragraph very interesting. Insults aside, I think you're right, my EX will become my daughter's role model. You're a perfect example. You grew up with a Mom that viewed husbands as disposable and as an adult you're doing the same exact thing. I find the fact that she's still at it at 50 pretty amazing. <br />
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affairs, divorce and remarriage are quickly becoming accepted and embraced by society.<br />
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I agree completely with your above statement. However there is no New Morality, just large numbers of women out there like you and my EX with absolutely no moral values.

Nick,<br />
You jilted husbands all sound alike. Get over it and get on with your life!!! <br />
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>You felt entitled to begin having affairs due to not having your socks knocked off in the bedroom by your STBX. You began committing adultery and felt you were completely justified, right?<<br />
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Of course she did! You men better get used to it. Wives today are sexually fulfilled or they look for it elsewhere.<br />
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>It is a sad state of affairs that over 50% of married women today do not have one shred of moral values. From my perspective it appears that women in affairs are quickly becoming the norm.<<br />
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I think that’s a 50% increase for women in extramarital affairs. Not 50% of women involved in affairs now, although in the not too distant future that wouldn’t surprise me either. You said it! Women in affairs are quickly becoming the norm, and with that comes more divorces and more remarriages. There is a NEW morality. One in which affairs, divorce and remarriage are quickly becoming accepted and embraced by society.<br />
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>You should at least have had the decency and compassion to discuss your plans to divorce before seeing your girlfriends lawyer. I'll bet she actually encouraged you.<<br />
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I think it was a smart move. In seeing the lawyer first she precluded all the begging for another chance and the lame promises, etc. In one appointment she got her divorce started which is exactly what she wanted. So what if the GF encouraged her? Under the same circumstances I would have encouraged a GF as well. <br />
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>But the other day she asked her grandmother how mommies know when it's time to get a new husband. As much as I'll try to dissuade her I'm certain she'll grow up thinking husbands are disposable, just like her dear Mommie.< <br />
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I’m afraid your daughter’s question is a sign of the times. My daughter asked almost the same question. I wouldn’t worry. You’re not likely to change her view. She will grow up to realize husbands are truly disposable. Her Mom will become her role model just like my Mom became mine. It’s pretty much a given.<br />
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>Becomingmymom - you mentioned your daughter was not quite two when you divorced your "first" EX. Just how many EXs have you had? You sound a lot like my EX!<<br />
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Just three Exs for me so far! But I’m just 28 so I would guess that number is bound to increase over the years. My Mom is 50 and still at it. So to think I’ll be with the same husband for the next 22 years is just not realistic is it? Your EX does sound a lot like me but I did have the good sense not to marry my lover when I ended my first marriage. That’s a huge mistake. I would guess one of the major, underlying factors for your Ex’s behavior is identical to mine, a more than healthy appetite for attractive men.<br />
Becomingmymom

Fraidekat, you sound like so many women today, a vain, selfish, self-centered B*%$#. You're doing exactly what my EX did to me. You felt entitled to begin having affairs due to not having your socks knocked off in the bedroom by your STBX. You began committing adultery and felt you were completely justified, right? It is a sad state of affairs that over 50% of married women today do not have one shred of moral values. From my perspective it appears that women in affairs are quickly becoming the norm. Of course it plays hell on the divorce statistics. It's a sad state of affairs. I'll sure as hell never marry again. So your husband got pissed at you when you announced you had seen a lawyer and were filing for divorce. What did you expect lady? You pulled the rug out from under him. I've been there. I know how badly it hurts. You should at least have had the decency and compassion to discuss your plans to divorce before seeing your girlfriends lawyer. I'll bet she actually encouraged you. Be honest, admit it. My guess is she told you in one breath she felt you should start your divorce and made you an appointment with her lawyer. Misery loves company! So you think your young daughter will be unaffected by the divorce? Not so! My wife moved in with her lover after she divorced me. She soon married him and that didn't last quite a year. Married a third time and has recently divorced again. You know what my 6 yr old daughter asked her grandmother? She's been curious about why her Mom always had a different last name and I think we've taken care of that particular concern. But the other day she asked her grandmother how mommies know when it's time to get a new husband. Now that truly is sad. As much as I'll try to dissuade her I'm certain she'll grow up thinking husbands are disposable, just like her dear Mommie.<br />
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Becomingmymom - you mentioned your daughter was not quite two when you divorced your "first" EX. Just how many EXs have you had? You sound a lot like my EX!<br />
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Nick

Becomingmymom,Thank you for your comments about how well your daughter is doing. We have a consensus. Everyone thinks she'll be pretty much unaffected by the divorce now. I did keep the appointment with my girlfriend's attorney and it was amazing. In one short visit I went from being an unsatisfied, unfaithful wife beginning to think about divorce to being a woman in charge of her own destiny in the process of divorcing. And it will be quick which is great. I really am happy and excited I've gotten things started. My husband was really pissed when I announced I was filing for divorce and had already seen an attorney. But that's OK. It should have been no shock to him whatsoever as many times as I've told him I was unhappy in our marriage. He begged, he cried, and finally agreed we should make things as amicable as possible. So he has finally accepted the fact that I'm dead serious and has agreed to move out when he gets a place. We agree on the child support, file the Dissolution of Marriage and I'm a divorcee in 30 days. That is so fantastic. It is hard to believe once it's filed he'll be my EX in just 30 days.

I can tell you from first hand experience your daughter will do great. My daughter was not quite two when I divorced my first EX. He has her every other weekend and two weeks during the summer. She's doing perfectly and quite happy and content. You'll do well in a no fault state and hopely get a good settlement for child support. Keep that appointment with your GFs attorney and you'll be a divorcee in no time.

We have a daughter that just turned two. And everyone I've confided in has agreed she's the perfect age now for divorce. I've had one of my girlfriends make me an appointment with her attorney so I'm certain once I see him there will be no turning back. My STBX has no idea I'm seeing anyone but that really doesn't matter anyway in a no fault state, does it? I'm beginning to get excited about the prospect of finally divorcing.