Always Insanely Bored.I've never met anyone, as of yet, who can understand or relate to the intense boredom that I feel. When I am bored, I literally feel myself losing my mind; an antsy-crazy-going off the deep end feeling.
I sleep half the day just so I don't have to worry about the feeling of having nothing to do. But, then there's still the other half of my day that I have to go through. Sometimes the boredom isn't so intense, and I can be content with a book to read, or a random conversation with someone online. However, there are times where nothing can stop me from feeling so insanely bored; reading, talking, watching TV, listening to music, searching the net for random things - none of this works.
I walk around my house like a zombie, or I just find myself sitting on the floor staring at the wall. It's crazy. I get agitated, jittery, sometimes I can't keep still and I just find myself walking up and down the passage, just for something to do. Or I sit down and just slap my palms against my thighs. And, of course, when I'm in this "state", thoughts that I would rather not be thinking about surface, and I can't do nothing to distract myself from them, so I end up thinking about crap that I've pushed to the back of my mind, and then I get depressed.
So, I'm bored and depressed, which is a terrible combination.
It seems my hobbies don't even keep my entertained anymore. Nothing does. I have no motivation to do anything, either, although there are lots of things I wish I could be doing right now. My Agoraphobia gets in the way, and the fact that I have no friends; I have no one to hang out with, and my Agoraphobia prevents me from going places on my own.
There's lots of things I want to experience, I want an adrenaline rush, I want to have fun, I want to see things and just be happy with life. But instead, I'm always bored, doing the same thing every day from the moment I wake up and until I go to sleep. For once I wish I could be excited about something, excited to go do anything fun, to get out of the house and do something completely different.
There's great scenery where I live, lots of nature life, a beautiful river; even just getting out of the house to soak up all the nice views would be wonderful. But again, Agoraphobia gets in the way of that, and Mum isn't someone who's really into going places unless she really needs to. So I'm stuck in this house, surrounded by the blue walls of my bedroom, day in and day out, wishing for something more.
I crave adventure so much, it's a constant need and an endless thought. There's a world out there I'm yet to see; the sounds of wildlife, the scents of nature, the sun shining down on me, it's warm rays soaking into my skin. The presence of people, the smell and taste of different foods, the feel of the Earth against the soles of my feet.
I'm always envisioning adventures I wish to go on, I can always picture it so clearly, and then I open my eyes and I'm back in my dull life.
Anyway, bottom line of this, is that I am tired of feeling so bored to the point where I feel I am going to go insane, literally. I hate the feeling, I hate what those days make me think, and I hate that as much as I try to visualise myself being happy and having adventures, I fear that I'd never get to be that person.