Invisible

Why do I contemplate suicide?  The biggest reasons are the feeling that I am useless and that I have no real connections in this world.

It's not that the world would be a better place without me in it, it's more like the world would not notice if I was gone.  Of course, there would be those who would cry a half a tear and say what a shame she went and did that but it wouldn't devastate them because I was just someone they knew casually.  Their lives would go on as usual and they'd probably be thankful they weren't me.

I can literally sleep for days on end, I have nothing that I am passionate about.

I have 2 kids.  My older one drives me crazy, she has all my bad qualities but she is intelligent.  Unfortunately, the bad qualities will hold her bad and keep her miserable.  My younger daughter is very sweet and good natured but not too smart...that's where she takes after me, can't keep much in her head.  

I stay for them because, poor kids, I'm just about all they have.  They have a father who loves them in words more than in deed.  He can't hold a job and is moving back in with his mommy.  They are not close with any relatives.  

I know so many people who live in close loving families. Those people have the strength to deal with this world because they have strong relationships behind them.  My kids and I have nothing.

I realize there are people who have it worse and frankly, I am glad that I am not one of those people.  But if the only way you can count your blessings is to be thankful that your ****** life is not worse than it already is, how great is that?  I want out.

goldilks goldilks
46-50, F
3 Responses Dec 24, 2011

It is incredibly hard to downsize and become poorer. But it is not the end of the world! Don't take your life. There is a future out there for you. Get as fit as you can, the endorphins will make you happier. Dress as if you are dating. Make yourself look your best. Use your inheritance to study to get a better job or start a small business so that in 4 years you are ok. Go for it,, start doing it now! That way you will not have time to feel down! Take care!

I want out too.

Goldilks, sending you a big hug. It's really tough right now. Please hold on to the good that you can find.