Feel Fine Somedays Then Spiral Down to the Lowest Place

I just know that I will end up doing it. I am so cowardly at the moment but the thought of taking my life, not existing anymore, not having to be me is the most comforting thought I have and my only hope. I have been to cognitive therapy which has only taught me to argue the case even better for me to end my futile existence. Nothing has a real point and life is so painful at times that I just want to switch off...for good. No more thoughts tormenting me, no more worries about what others think of me and no more trying to have a point to exist. Snuffing myself out is inevitable. When I am feeling embarrased about myself or hating just being, I relish the idea of being able to finish it all - it is the only empowering thing I can think of that I can do - although I bet I'll be rubbish at doing that too. Before I plan the deed I have to tidy up loose ends around me first. Get a will done, make sure the dog is ok and destroy all pictures and writings etc i have ever had - oblitereate myself. No-one will miss me - sure they will be angry with me for doing it and probably hate me but at least it is better than being indifferent to me. They will just be embarrassed about it just as they are embarrassed by me now.
dusty dusty
36-40, M
Jul 3, 2007