I Need Help

Im a girl, and My life is a series of unfortunate events.

honestly, I cant take it anymore, I feel like suicide is my only option, I don't want to die, I keep asking for help, because I don't want to do this but I feel like it is the only way to end my suffering.

because help is only available to those who can pay for it, that "anyone can get help" is bull-@*&%$

I don't want it to be like this. PLEASE HELP ME.

It's all so confusing. let me start at the beginning

we had our house foreclosed on, and I had to change high schools.

My dad got leukemia,(jan 2008) (after getting many many other things, anemia,mds,ect.)

when I was a junior in high school, it all began. midnight/3am hospital visits, chemo, the whole shebang, then the next year (my senior year) it started to get worse, & I could barely sleep at night and I would finally fall asleep at maybe 3am, and then I would have to get up at 6am to shower and go to school. and of coarse being completely exhausted I would be so tired and dead my mom would feel bad for me, and let me be late, and then I would sleep through my alarm to wake me up at a later time. my teachers gave me so much crap for my absences (from there classes) generally the early morning classes, I understand why they were mad, and treated me terribly (even though aside from that I was a A/B student) but it just added to everything I was going through. also, I was going to a new school that year, and the teachers didn't, really know that this wasn't normal for me.

then I finally graduated high school(spring 2008), and my dad sickness had progressed to the point where, I needed to stay home & not go away to college( I was accepted into all that I applied to :] )

so I had to stay home and go to the local community college, & the people around me made me feel like a liar, (because I said I was going away & then I didn't)

no one really knew about my dads condition, I didnt have anyone to talk to, and anyone who would ask would say it condescendingly, so instead of pouring my heart out to someone who was being a jerk I just made up a lame excuse.

when classes started up (fall 2008), my fathers health was even worse, and this time hospital visits were no longer "if we get him to the hospital in time it will be ok"

it was now "he might die tonight"

I ended up having to drop 2 of my morning classes (7 of 15 credit hours)

because I had to A. deal with being at the hospital ALL night, with class the next day and B. I had to take care of my dad in the mornings b/c my mom had to go to work (which made me miss the classes I had to drop)

Did I mention I have a sister and a brother? and I'm the youngest!

my sisters excuse? its just tooo hard for her to see her dad like that!

and its F(*&^(^&&*(^ easy for me?

and my sister, and her daughter (my so called friend[we are almost the same age 1-1/2yr dif.)

my brother & sister are 20 years older then me (yeah yeah crazy I know, who cares)

my niece (sisters daughter) and I have been raised together our whole lives, we used to be ridiculously close.

anyway, my sister and my niece and their family's started to make me feel bad about dropping those classes.

even though I was the one home with my dad crying out in pain constantly, and feeding him his meds, and trying to help him go to the bathroom. It was so scary because I was home alone (while my mom was at work which she HAD to be at) with him, & I couldn't lift him, if he fell, and he was either in agony or whacked out on the morphine they gave him.


I took my fall finals(dec 2008), and had christmas break.

on the day of my last final,  I got a call from my mom saying my dad was back in the hospital, so I took my final and rushed up to the hospital to be there (this time my sister actually showed up)

from then until break resumed I was at the hospital practically everyday with him, while my mother was there nights.

skip to jan 2009

by this time, my dad was doing pretty bad, and my mom was spending nights at the hospital, & I was sleeping at home by myself in the middle of nowhere all the time, doing the grocery shopping, and trying to do online classes (because of the time situation) I lived and breathed my dads sickness. I got an interview, at my soon to be HELLHOLE job. and even though I had no time as it was, the encouragement (haha that's a way of putting it) of my wonderfully sensitive B*&%#$ sister and her daughter. I took the job, and started working 30+ hours a week, even though I said I wanted between 10-15hrs.

I saw my dad suffer, so so so so so much, it is heartbreaking what I saw happen.

I tried to talk about it with my neice (my sisters daughter)

but she would always interupt with "yeah well its really really hard for my mom, I mean he is her best friend"

WELL WHERE THE F**&$% was his "best friend" when he needed him.

and instead of us having a sharing of "I'm sad" "so am I" heart to heart,

it was just a "my mom feels worse then you" bull crap.

I couldn't talk to my mom, who A. I BARELY saw & B. had more things going wrong for her

I was alone.

and after getting the worst job ever I had to drop ALL of my online classes (a full work load) which I could have dealt with fine except my niece made me feel awful about it, like I was some kind of drop out (I know technically I was, but you know what I mean)

then I was working SO much, I barely saw my dad who had gone into a coma, because I was working a job to support me & my mom who had to take off from her job (did I mention she works for my sister!?)

ALSO! my dad owned 60% of a profitable company, and my sister owned the other 40% (this is not the place where my mom works, its a whole other company)

after my dad got sick, we stopped getting ANY money from it, because my sister took control of it (of her own doing) they owned this company (not managed, it has a manager)

ANYWAY, here I am working at this job where my boss treats me terribly (yelling at me and blaming me for her mistakes, and yelling at me for things out of my control)


& trust me, this boss is just mean, I worked my butt off for her, I was not being lazy, or rude, or taking my emotions to work.

It was so bad & I couldn't let my home life affect work (work, HAH a lousy shoe store)

I started cutting, because I had no time to cry, so I cut because I couldn't cry.(except for to and from work or trips to the hospital)

because I couldn't cry at night because I would get to worked up to sleep, & would be dead at work the next day)

when my dad went in to his coma,( the end of feb) I called my boss to tell her I couldn't come into work the next day, and I explained why, and she said "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME" (and not in a concerned oh my goodness way)but like in a "you are a liar and full of crap" kind of way. and then I couldn't take it and lost it and cried on the phone, because well she was yelling at me for something I couldn't control.

and she believed me finally, but not before yelling at me to "STOP CRYING I CANT HERE YOU WHEN YOU DO THAT"

everyone thought my dad was going to die

so I stayed there (finally given some days off from work) all day, & all night for a week (only for maybe 3 hours every couple of days to take a shower)

(I even had a bag at the hospital :/)

& I sponged his tongue (so he wouldn't get dehydrated)

& did many other things (along with my mom)

that I honestly wish would have never happened to him, or for me to see.

and then, after the doctors said there was no way he would wake up from his coma, HE DID!

and my boss was pressing me to go back to work, so the day after I went back to almost 40 hrs, a week , and back to having my mom sneak me into the hospital because it was after visiting hours. only to see my dad asleep.

that whole 3 weeks after he had waken up, he talked to people and his condition was improving, but I NEVER GOT TO TALK TO HIM, only when he was all drugged up for the night, and could say "hello honey"

and "I love you" but no conversations. because by then he was out of it for the night.

you try being around you father for a month and never saying more then hello & i love you to him!

by then I wanted to quit SO bad, but i tried talking to my mom, and she was always saying "oh well idk"

and of coarse my sister gave me tons of CRAP. even though her wonderful daughter quit her job because her boss was mean to her once, ONCE!

I told my mom, and my self as it was happening I would regret not quitting, and of coarse I do.

I should have, but of coarse I didn't.

I see these things happen in movies, where you are thinking "WHY WHY are you letting them treat you like that & I would never let someone do that to me"

but my world was upside down, and I was so screwed up by then nothing made any sense anymore.

then after, working until late at night, and my mom sneaking me into the hospital , I visited my dad, for what I didn't know would be our last words. because he had caught pneumonia (which on top of his low cell count, and already terrible condition) he was terrible that night and I did manage to get a hand squeeze and a muffled "I love you" from him. & I went home, because I A.didn't know how bad it was, because I just thought he was just out of it and B. I had to work in the morning.

so then I get a call at 8am  saying that I had to come down there, and to call into work, and that it was really bad (this was my mom saying this while crying)

so I did, and I sat next to him for about 10 min right after I got there holding his hand, after hugging him and telling him I loved him so much, I watched him struggle to breath for the next & last 10 min of his life.

then the next day, I helped my mom make arrangements, & flipped out because the person at the funeral home said he had been embalmed, and that crushed me. & I had to run out of the room crying.

(which is WAY out of the ordinary, because I don't let ANYONE see me cry EVER with the exception of my parents)

and anyway, we heard that one of my uncles, the one I was the closest with on my dads side, the one that while my dad was sick, I always thought "well hey I can always lean on him if it gets bad" was very sick.

the next day he died too.

then the funerals, first was my dads visitation, the next day his funeral, then the next day we went to my uncles visitation,(2 hrs away) stayed the night there, and went to his funeral, that night when he got home, I got a call from work, asking me to come back to work monday, (it had been less then a week)

so I said OK because, idk like I said I was mixed up.

then 2 days passed (the first two days since my dad died, when we didn't have a house full of people,or were staying at someones house) & I finally got to cry if I wanted to without distant relatives listening in.

then Sunday rolled around and I called work and said that I was sorry but I couldn't come back in to work

just yet, and I needed a little more time.

so then my boss said to call her everyday until I was ready to come back to tell her yes or no if I was coming back, and I just couldn't stand having a daily call answering to this AWFUL AWFUL woman so I finally quit after 3 days of the daily calls (which hindered any down time I was getting because I was dreading calling her as soon as I hung up with her the previous day)(& this wasn't a set schedule of days, & I was supposed to work only part time [hah])

but anyway I quit.

& then I completely forgot about that Friday (the day I was supposed to go visit, the college I wanted to go away to the next year, I said I would go to with my niece)

and my niece pressed me to go with her. & kept pressing.

even though it was less then 2 weeks after he had died.

& she gave me this whole shpeal about how I was crappy for saying I would go with her, & now I'm backing out)

umm hello?! I didn't know my dad was going to die!

I ended up telling her no

and she made me feel bad some more... blah blah blah.

but then by thursday night, I just wanted to get away from everything. and ended up going, except I had my mom drive me, just her and I.

I realized the minute we get there it was a bad idea.

& end up crying myself to sleep in the hotel room.

we get back on sunday, and then monday after we get a call, that my grandma (mother of my dad and uncle)

died. by this point I was dead inside, and just said ok.

to this day I don't even know HOW or WHY she died.

It doesn't bother me as much because she was 90 and it was her time to go, but when I had 3 people close to me die in 3 weeks, it just messed with me.

ohhhh did i mention my niece didn't come to my dads funeral, & I ended up not going to my grandmas funeral/visitation because I was hiding out by this time, and really in the thick of everything.

& not to mention I was really sick at the time.

my niece tried to make me feel guilty about not going!!!!!!!!

since my dads death my sister has taken over my dads company, which we didn't get a buy out for, & my mom cant get it because she is an illegal alien (from Canada WHO HAS ALWAYS PAID TAXES btw) which is also why she cant sue for it.

& now we are stuck with $100,000+ medical bills, which is actually a price after we had ... (I cant remember what you call it) reduce our bill.

so that's super fun!

and my sister oh so grief stricken DIDN'T DO THE TAXES for my dads company, which are part of our income for 2008, so I couldn't file my FAFSA , and get federal aid (I'm under 21 so I couldn't do it on my own)

for school for the 09/10 college school year, even though I pain money to apply, & get accepted to colleges yet again, and money to visit them.

so I sat here for a whole year, and NOT GO TO SCHOOL AT ALL!!!!!!!!

because my sister didn't do that part of our taxes (which not to mention will probably mess up things for my mom who is trying to get citizenship)

but what about my niece you say? did she get to go to college?

oh yes, she did, my sister paid OUT OF POCKET, $10,000 A SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!

I seriously just want to slam my head against a wall.

and now, here I sit, almost a whole year later, and 2008's taxes are still not done, and she hasn't even taken a crack at 2009's taxes yet.

and the clock is ticking on the deadline for the FAFSA form this year.

My mom and I are going to see if there is ANY way we can do this going around my sister and all her BS


but the story is not over there.

I have nightmares, tons of them, 4-5 nights out of 7 nights in a weeks I have nightmares, and not just one a night, a lot of them are ones where we keep trying to drive my dad to the hospital, or my dad is with me and he is mangled, or he starts retching and tells me he is going to die.or he is sick and dying (it goes on and on)

this is what really makes me suicidal, I have to watch my dad die over and over in many different ways in my dreams, and I CANT TAKE IT!

Ive been to a psychologist but I had to stop going because we cant afford it, she wanted me to come twice a week, but even when I went we could only do every other week, and now I haven't been since october.

anytime I get any money, or have a pay check, I feel so bad I just give it all to my mother for bills or whatever.

but, in november, right after my birthday, my uncle on my moms side (her only family in america besides me)

started getting really really sick, and it all started up again!)

I had to watch yet another person suffer right in front of me.

I even watched him die, the EXACT way my dad did, and of the same cause!

although my uncle had tumors in his lungs, he was weekend by that, and he caught pneumonia and respiratory failure is the way he died too.

him and my mother we VERY VERY close, & I was very close with him too, more then my brother or sister.

and that was basically the straw that broke the camels back.

after he died. everything doubled (who knew that was even possible)

I just feel like everyone around me is dying!

I know that's a juvenile way of looking at things, but honestly I feel juvenile.

I'm scared to death I will be left alone if my mother dies, because any family that loved me or treated me well died! and now I might not be able to go to school for another whole year!!!!!!!!!!

I can't sit in this town and work this stupid meaningless job, for a manager who only got their GED.


I cant take these nightmares & night terrors anymore!

I wake up screaming and crying in the middle of the night.

I cannot take it.

There is so much I want to see and do.

but I feel like it will never happen.

I feel like I HAVE to kill myself, most of the time.

I feel like a 13 yr old child left back in the second grade.

I know that I shouldn't because I'm all my mother has..

& I know she would loose it completely (& I mean completely)

If I did that , I want help, please,please,please,please help me.

its just so bad.


If I could just get rid of my nightmares/night terrors that would at least be a giant step in me recovering from all of this.

I'm writing this, trying to get a hold of my self, & trying not to let myself delete this before I post it.

before I go into that mode where I'm a monster and get close to the edge of doing something I know I really don't want to do.

what can I do? Tell me what I need to do? I have no money for counseling, I cant get myself to dial those hot-line numbers (& I feel like I'm wasting their time anyway), our taxes aren't done and I cant get federal/state qualification for different types of services, or can I? (I'm not talking about link cards or welfare)



BurningCastle BurningCastle
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 10, 2010

Honey you are going through Post traumatic stress. I hope you did get to go to college since education is the only way not to work those awful jobs. You should be proud of yourself for being the strong one that was there for your Dad and to help your Mom. You ARE the stronger and better person. xo

Hey, yea, just say hi and let us know that everything is ok. <br />
<br />
I have been very down a few times myself and I know it feels really really really bad. I don't have all the answers but drop us a note and we will try to do our best.

Hey, how are things now?