I Want To Know How It Feels. How Does It Feel To Be Loved?Being 20 years old has no real significance. You are in an age-like limbo for another twelve months until you reach 21. I have about half a year to go. I used to be this amazing, eccentric, outgoing person. I am no longer a person. I'm a breathing enigma, a walking mystery. I'm never happy, always sad, always angry. And the people I see everyday remain the same. Inside my head, I feel like they look at me differently. Like they don't care. Like they could care less about me.
I was diagnosed recently with a mental illness, and feel that this is the reason behind my constant paranoia. I'm so morose about everything. When I am at home I feel like I don't matter. I feel worthless. I love everyone inside my home. I love people in general. I give my feelings out, I care too much. I get depressed because I don't receive the same amount of love in return. No one will ever love me back like I do. No one will ever want to care for me like that.
I have always and will always love people like this, with so much intensity that it hurts. It makes me sad, sad to give out pieces of my heart and not expect anything back in return. The word 'pain' is an understatement in describing it. I feel not good enough for this world. For this society. Why do I put in my time? Wherever I go I am judged by people who care nothing about me, just for the details I provide, like who I associate myself with and what clothes I wear. Look past it, I beg of you. This much hurt turns my bones to fire...
I was dating a boy for 3 years who tried his best to be with me. I love him more than the value of my own life. His name is Michael, and he is the most beautiful person I have ever loved. But when he talks to me I can't feel the love in his voice. I can't taste it on his lips when he kisses me. I think his version of love is a full degree lower than mine. He used to say he loved me everyday. That was before he told me a month before he had to leave that he was moving to Missouri for school. 3 states away from me. How did he expect us to work? I think that perhaps he wanted this to fail. These days all we do is fight. I yell because he doesn't let me in about his life; he's very secretive and says that what he does doesn't concern me. Those words might as well be broken class to my arms. If he and I share a life, I need to be let in on what's happening. This leads me to believe that he does not really love me. That he does not care enough about me. It hurts. This is the worst feeling in the world. I believe he doesn't love me. I was just there to hold him when his life got stressful. Who loves me? No one. As I am typing this, Michael is 4 hours away in his dorm, not giving me a second thought as he dismisses me over his new friends. I have no clue what I am to him now. Just the girl that he hasn't spoken to in over 2 weeks. No one loves me, and I can assure you that he never will.
This is not intended to make me seem like the victim, but rather a person who's confused and frustrated over the concept of love. Over the concept of giving love to everyone I know and don't know in the world, and feeling polluted eyes staring at me with judgment as a gift in return. I've come to the conclusion that I am not lovable. Perhaps that's the only problem. Yes. I am not lovable. And I never will be.