"i Need Someone Who Understands"

I have been married for over 20yrs. My husband is a good man although i think he is lacking understanding on this one important issue. We just met his child from a girl who he just slept with a few times, the child is now 22yrs old. Back in the day the girl was upset that she didn't get my husband and caused lots of hurt and problems for us. To me it was so very devastating until i wanted to leave my hometown to get away, and because of the bad memories i can not return. Well we met the child the other day and we had a wonderful time. I was really excited about meeting him and introducing him to his brothers and sisters. He is grown so i feel like i don't have to deal with his mom now. I can enjoy him finally without any drama because he is a man who can make his own decisions. Well, we went out my husband, the son, and myself. He asked my husband how old was he when he meet his mom. My husband told him and proceded to talk about this woman like i wasn't there. I wasn't happy because i thought it was disrespectful. So now we are not talking and it came down to, now he deals with his son and i am out of the picture. My husband thinks that i am over reacting and should have not gotten upset. The last thing i want to do is sit with my husband talking about someone who has made my life miserable. He doesn't understand that. So we haven't talked now for 2 days and i'm not planning on it because i feel he should understand how i feel about this. I wouldn't sit and talk about my ex in front of him, because he will not allow it and i feel it would be disrectful to him. Am I wrong?
marriedbutstillalone marriedbutstillalone
36-40, F
4 Responses Jul 18, 2010


I think this is a question of ego and free agency. It was a moment with his son and their common past. It was not about you. Let him have his moment. If you are not comfortable with the topic go somewhere else. Then later tell him in a loving way that you are not comfortable with the topic and ask him to save it for times when he is alone with his son. I think, after 20 years there is not so much danger of him seeing that woman on an intimate lever, so suck it up and don't allow your ego to control you. I know that sounds harsh and it isn't meant to. My wife tells me that when she does something that upsets me I should start out by telling her how much I love her and then tell her about what upsets me. It is the same with a man. If you react with harshness, or ego in a situation like that, the result is that he will withdraw. It is a man thing, an ego thing. It is not so hard to diffuse the situation, so that you can make your point understood without causing a rift. I think he will respect you all the more for it.

In this specific instance, i think you are both right, and both wrong. There is no easy answer. He has every right to talk to this young man, and share memories with him. His mistake was not taking a second to think about this and warn you before the conversation started. You have every right to feel ignored and disrespected; but again, if you two had talked, even briefly about the meeting before it happened, things might have been better.<br />
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I have been through 4 marriages and am currently engaged; one thing i am still learning is to be conscious of the other person's feelings and perspective in the relationship. If you two have been married for over 20 years, and this is the first time something like this has happened, consider yourself very lucky and blessed. If this is old hat, then you should have spoken up much sooner than this. <br />
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Talking; even when you are both angry and feel in the right, is the single most important thing ANY couple can do. Not fighting; sitting down together, explaining how you feel, and then courteously listening to the other. Do not attack or defend, just talk. Do not bring up things from the past unless it is directly related to the subject at hand. Try your best to speak in a controlled, adult , and genuine manner; do no be condescending or sarcastic.<br />
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I hope this comment is valuable to you, and your husband. He should not verbally ignore you not physically avoid you; if he truly loves you he will value your feelings, your contributions, and your company. I do not know everything that happened, but if one of you stalked off in a huff, then you are both wrong - one for leaving, and the other for letting the first one go. <br />
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If you want to talk more, please feel free to PM me.

Please someone comment on this story so that i know if I am right or wrong.