Exposing The Naked Truth

I'm lonely.

There, I said it. Ouch. It doesn't sound pretty. It sounds needy and desperate....and open. I just exposed myself. ever thankful for anonymity.

Friends would probably say, "You are so pretty, how can you be lonely?" It's not a constant thing; it's not as if I mope around like an ape, with elongated dangling arms swinging, shoulders slumped over. Yeah, that's attractive.

Trying to remain positive, I convince myself that I could give my cougar call and round up a handful of cute guys and toss out a "hey baby" line and they would surely arrive gleefully at a moment's notice ..but then I acknowledge that I wouldn't hear from them until the need popped up in their head again. And well, that's just another form of loneliness. Yeah yeah...maybe I have been after the wrong guys. Ya think?!

Intimacy. That's what I crave. Someone to hold me and to caress me, and care about me...that's the difference. Not with a headlock per se. Not gripping so tightly that I begin to turn blue. That's not the way I want buttons popping off my shirt! Somewhere in the middle would be...what would it be? Good?

I married my best friend. He wasn't into PDAs. It should have been no surprise when years later, I found I was in a sexless marriage, and laying beside my husband was the loneliest place on earth. His snoring and other "interesting" sounds emitting from the source, however, reminded me that I was not alone. I am actually content now, most of the time anyway. I was thinking about that today while making instant coffee instead of a full pot. It's easier. I'm actually happier living alone. But, in moments like this one, I ache for genuine physical contact. Why do I need it so? Why do any of us need it?

The analyst in me started to ponder. Thinking back, I don't recall being hugged by my mother, who was somewhat of a mix between Martha Stewart and Bea Arthur. My father, conversely, was a friend to the world...everyone's "buddy". Much like Regis Philbin, his life was a stage and he had little authentic time for me or my siblings...he was always in performance mode. I guess that is why I hug my kids maybe a little too much, dispite their desperate attempts to pull away quickly in horror before anyone can see, followed by shock and wide, rolling eyes.

It's not pretty to be so open...and yes, vulnerable. Weakness and desperation are not embraced as attractive traits. But if we were being totally honest, don't we all get like that at times? Deep down, don't we all want intimacy? Then why do we play games and push it away? I wish I knew. Don't you?



imathinkin imathinkin
51-55, F
1 Response May 5, 2012

Your story is on target. Physical attention often has nothing to do with intimacy. Most of us need a partner that enjoys our company more than anything. Someone who enjoys light conversation, but is also going to hug you and let you know they are there for you when you have that rough day. They are going to keep life fun for both of you by reminding you that nothing is more important than your happiness to them. The old story of you and me against the world. Isn't that what we thought we were signing up for when we got married?