Good Or BadI did something out of character today; I had sex with a prostitute. I am 32 years old and she's the sixth person I've ever had sex with. I enjoyed it immensely, but I feel like I lost something too. I am a male, but for some reason I can't seem to separate emotional attachment and physical, intimate pleasure from one another. The problem is that it felt very wonderful, but it made me realize what I don't have to in my life. I feel like I will never find Another person to be with me... that I don't deserve anybody. My wife Cheated on me for 9 years. In order to make that whole situation right I've resigned myelf to believing that I am getting what I deserve: NOTHING. I don't believe that life is a gift, because if it was, that would mean I have value; I obviously possess no value whatsoever. And what of the girl? I have just devalued her along with myself. Here's the problem: she does have value for me ( I'm not just talking about the money I paid). I will never forget her! I wish I was with her now. It wasn't just a business transaction for me... It was swollen with meaningfulness.
It's all beside the point. I don't deserve to feel loved... love is value and I'll always lack value. I just want to die. To think that I should want to put in an end to what seems to be an endless state of melancholy is a bit counter-intuitive. It would appear that I am Hey walking contradiction. Just another reason to give up.
My ex use to tell me that 1 day I'll make someone very very happy... and I always thought, " I failed
utterly with you