Good Or Bad

I did something out of character today; I had sex with a prostitute. I am 32 years old and she's the sixth person I've ever had sex with. I enjoyed it immensely, but I feel like I lost something too. I am a male, but for some reason I can't seem to separate emotional attachment and physical, intimate pleasure from one another. The problem is that it felt very wonderful, but it made me realize what I don't have to in my life. I feel like I will never find Another person to be with me... that I don't deserve anybody. My wife Cheated on me for 9 years. In order to make that whole situation right I've resigned myelf to believing that I am getting what I deserve: NOTHING. I don't believe that life is a gift, because if it was, that would mean I have value; I obviously possess no value whatsoever. And what of the girl? I have just devalued her along with myself. Here's the problem: she does have value for me ( I'm not just talking about the money I paid). I will never forget her! I wish I was with her now. It wasn't just a business transaction for me... It was swollen with meaningfulness.
It's all beside the point. I don't deserve to feel loved... love is value and I'll always lack value. I just want to die. To think that I should want to put in an end to what seems to be an endless state of melancholy is a bit counter-intuitive. It would appear that I am Hey walking contradiction. Just another reason to give up.
My ex use to tell me that 1 day I'll make someone very very happy... and I always thought, " I failed
utterly with you
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3 Responses Sep 2, 2012

I no how you feel. Not knowing someone but feeling.connected to them in a very short ammount of time nd not knowing why. Its hard to realize that its not your fault someone cheated. Things will get better yiur young andstill have the chsnce to fall in love. Your worth it and dont put yourself down :)

I think your being to hard on yourself. I don't believe in a world where someone doesn't deserve love. Not to sound too corny but the one your looking for will find you, be patient. Try to Be the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. At least that's what i try to tell myself. Anyway your not alone in how you feel but it doesn't help anyone beating yourself to smithereens. I'm with moonlightam... Chin up :)

finally, proof that not all men are jerks :) Something like that happened to me recently too, it wasnt a guy for sale, he took me home and ... the thing is that I made love to him and for him it was just sex... He messed my head up by saying all sorts of nice things to me, that he liked me, that I was so cute, that my hair smelt gorgeous, even what on earth was I doing there with him being such a goddess ... I knew in my head he never meant anything he said, but my heart gave in... Im all his and his alone. Id give up anything to have him in my arms again, but he doesnt want to know anything about me... so its really refreshing to see a man to whom sex is not just sex as well. Chin up :)