Could you observe my life trough kaleidoscope?
Most likely yes.
My life contains hundreds of mirrors,broken,giving out few more images,each one different in it's own way.
However,they all have one connection.People,people in all of them,they are everywhere,they can't even leave my thoughts.Oh no..
And all those people,they are dancing,and dancing,rejoicingly,clapping their hands,spinning silhouettes,singing the songs of madness...Just not so madly.
Why are all these people here? Where am I? This is my mind,get out! No use,perhaps I should think louder,is that even possible?
My thoughts,and reality...There is no difference,what is real,and what is not...I'd ask sometimes.No matter how I look at it,everyone is always happier than me.Everyday,I see others talking,smiling,laughing,joking around.Their happiness makes me sick...
''Carefree bunch!...'' I'd think for myself : ''...There is more to life then just goofing around like a fool,that's the word! Fools!''
These kind of conversations with myself would make me feel better everytime...Almost.And then,I would stop,look up,contemplate,then come to a simple conclusion.
I might have the worst kind of thinking about people,but they are still more satisfied than I am,they look happy,why?Other humans make humans happy,it's the matter of nature,people are social creatures,it has always been this way,since the dawn of time.
''Wait a minute...I am not social,not one bit!'' I'd shout at myself in my thoughts : ''If you join them,you will break them,and if that happens...Even I won't know...''
Obediently,I would nod at my inner self.I am always listening to her,she is wise,calm and collected.Unlike me.Sometimes,I think that -I- should be the inner voice.

''I am not social person...I am not entertaining...I am a plain,simple energy form,sqeezed into a female human body,not worthy of complacency'' When you say something to yourself many times,it becomes the truth.

I lied.

If it's about me,to myself,I am fond of it.Everybody needs a soulmate,or atleast,human company.I would be even happy with animal's company,I am just that modest.

There are times when I would just like to rush into masses of people,greet them with a bright smile,tell a joke,and then,laugh along with them.I can be funny,I can do that little....

Can I?

It is no secret that I enjoy to inflict pain on self,emotional pain.I keep myself in social celibacy,for no explain reason.She told me to do so.I belive her,even if I know that she lies.

I belive in her lies.

But I sure like fantasizing about it.Contact,a warm smile,simple touch of another person would always send shivers from my neck,down the spine road..To knees,only to end on my tip toes.Feeling of it is...

After some time,a bond is born,it represents our fruit of hard labour.We should cherish it!Our friendship would become more intense,I would get to enjoy frequent meetings,a cup of coffee and a stupid gossip.

Fruit of friendship is growing. But my mind is clouding,dark clouds surround me,it was happening again.I am afraid.I have too many secrets to hide,and people do like to inquire.

Curiosity kills the cat.

This time,the stakes are higher.Each morning,I slowly prepare myself.It is time for us to part,it was fun while it lasted.I can't let people approach me too close.It's dangerous.It might seem strange to you dear readers,but I do this to save these people.I believe in this.

Friends I make later become nothing but my puppets...And I? I am a puppet master of course! How in the world have I reached this level? It wasn't that hard...First,you stop thinking about them as humans.And the rest is just a formality.

Quickly it would end.

''We are incompetent'' I would say. It makes their brows turn upside down.Making them sad makes me happy.Am I this cruel?

Yes,and no.

At the end,I too,find myself burned.This was self inflicted.It makes me sad.I have gone from happy to sad,to calm and collected.Another scar for my collection!
That's right.I collect scars and painful memories,imprinting it on my body,therefore making a human diary of myself.

It's a huge collection.There are many memories and secrets stored in it,some hurtful,some are not.I always thought that someone has to carry this burden.I want to be that person.By shunning people away,I force them to hate me...: ''Please,someone,hate me,so I don't have to hate myself!'' I'd cry out.


And the secret behind human diary?
''Let me suffer for you,so you can be happy''

Conclusion?After this,I'd have to say that it is my own fault because I am lonely.Am I better this way? No.I suffer,and crave people at the same time.They leave me in awe.Every single one of them.I should learn how to cherish more....But before that happens,I will leave my thoughts behind wooden door,locked.
Nyxeh Nyxeh
18-21, F
Dec 8, 2012