Afraid To Let Others In

my story is pretty amazing, if you had 1000 years to here it, so its probli a bit hard to fully comprehend how big this is for me,

I wont bore you to much, I was in an abusive relationship for 18 years, he was my first and only relationship, I was with him from age 15,you do the math,,,although the last couple of those years we were seperated, and then finally divorced, as I had to leave states and move house yet again, to escape his violence, believe me when I say ive been there and had it done to me and experinced pain, beyond a lot of peoples comprehension,

although he has been dead for almost 3 years now, it was only last week that I really cried, Its weird and hard to explain or understand myself, the dynamics we shared, in that he treated me so badly, yet I loved him more than anything in this world, and still believ we are soul mates,,,

I dont know,, my past has messed me up big time, to where I have been a complete loner and recluse for the past 5 years, since the birth of my disabled lil boy,,(,yes the monster was the father,,thats why I ran,,my pregnancy then,,saved mylife), literally having no conact with others outside my older 2 teenagers, other than doctors treating my lil boy,

It sounds silly maybe,,I dont know,,Im still a prisoner of my past, locked away, with no freinds or family around, as Im too scared and paranoid to let anyone remotely close to me,,,,
but life is too short to live this way, and Im sooo miserable, im starting to loose it,,,,,
I dont know how to be around others without freaking out and almost passing out,,as I also have bi=polar,,,which has recently been getting worse,,,

If you have experienced similar, please give me your advice,,,
I hate myself still so much tho, that I feel if I go outside everyone will be pointing at me and laughing at how ugly and fat I am,,and so I dont go anywhere unless its for my lil boy,,,even when family visit,,,I fel their judgement crushing me

please know this is not a story of me feeling sorry for myself,,as I honestly dont,,its about me saying to the world,,,hey im here too, and I deserve to be seen, heard and loved like everyone else,,

Im just hoping to find people who feel the same

sykoprincess sykoprincess
31-35, F
3 Responses Jan 16, 2013

well theres all sorts of trauma damaged people on here,i am sure some will be able to relate..............................try not to beat yourself up ....................the worst should be over

thanx,,here's hopeing,,,

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no,,just me