Losing Myself

Humans need physical contact. based on studies, adults without physical connections die on average 10 years younger than people who have regular physical contact. Infants have a mortality rate of 40% when they're not held regularly.

I'm not dying, and I don't think people without physical contact simply 'die' outright if they're basic needs like food and water are met, but I can see the real reasons why they die. Over the last few years, I've been losing my appetite, losing weight, losing energy, and I've been depressed more. Anxiety seems to increase slightly each month I go without contact. The desire for it is almost always on my mind. I fall to sleep crying or hugging myself most of the time.

I haven't been touched or held at all for over a decade. More importantly, I haven't had a single intimate physical connection with someone (ie, kissing, hand holding, or cuddling) in my life. I'm not even comfortable being touched anymore. Someone almost brushed my hip as they were walking by in a hallway yesterday, and I was repulsed but longing for it at the same time. Even something as simple and pointless as that.

It's not about sex, that's an afterthought. It's about holding someone and sharing affection.
Rennn Rennn
22-25, M
1 Response Feb 6, 2013

A touch sounds so simple but yet can mean so much. It is hard to let someone in mentally than you throw the physical with it can't be overwhelming. Trust is really what it comes down too. When we have been wronged or hurt we build up these walls and that others can feel and until we knock down our walls others can't come in. I know you will receive the touch your longing for when you value yourself as a person worthy of touch because YOU ARE.

Thank you.