Now I'm A Little ConcernedTonight my brother told me to stop being creepy.
I asked him what I was doing and he said the look on my face was creepy.
He's right. When you dip your hands in ice water your face gets all scrunched up.
I'm in pain so of course I'm going to react physically even if the pain is emotional. If that reaction is so obvious then clearly I'm going crazy.
I got between 3-5 hours of sleep last night and I can't be precise because I am too forgetful to remember whether I got up at 8 or 9 am. I also can't remember whether I got to sleep at 4 or 5 am.
4-9 is five hours. 5-8 is three hours. At the most I got five hours of sleep because I was up all night listening to what I knew was a change in air pressure causing my easter chocolate wrappers to crinkle. At one point they crushed completely by the sound of it so I wondered if I was having hypnagogic hallucinations. I was just too on edge to sleep.
If I weren't going crazy I wouldn't be so on edge and I wouldn't be scared shitless by the illusions created by changes in air pressure especially when I know exactly what's happening.
I'm constantly upset about the stupidest thing that I know is stupid.
I know it's stupid because thankfully I'm not too delusional to realize that. I am still upset about it but saying why I'm upset makes me sound like I have a delusional belief that I don't.
I don't believe it but how can I be so upset unless I do. It's not like I have any disconnect from reality. I know exactly what's going on and I have my feet on the ground I'm just depressed for that very reason.
If I was delusional I wouldn't be depressed.
Not being crazy is exactly what is making me crazy. That's a wonderful paradox. If I were delusional I wouldn't be in so much pain. If my brother's comment shows I could end up looking like a freak anyway I'd rather actually be delusional so I wouldn't be so conflicted.
I see it when I look in the mirror. I look numb. I look like I've died inside. I wonder if it would be better to just be full blown psychotic and not have to fight with myself.
The only problem that I can foresee is being called a creeper because my stress gives me the appearance of an angry sociopath or someone who is posessed. My muscles are so tense that it's hard to hold a normal face. My face is always so tight that I look extremely weird.
It's hard to relax them and now more than ever I need to check myself. I need to remember to try and relax and I need to keep an eye on myself. I need to lie down in order to prevent myself from looking creepy. If I can't relax my muscles I have that permanent serial killer look that is completely unhelpful in social situations.
The stress itself is just a symptom causing a symptom. It's not just one cause and effect relationship. I know what I'm stressed about and the thing that makes it so difficult is how stupid it is.
I can't accept what I know is a law of physics or nature or whatever you want to call it so to be depressed about what I know is reality might be misinterpreted to mean that I actually think it could be different. I'm just upset about it and that's all.
I know what's what and that's the problem. I might actually be happier if I were delusional.
I know I'm beating around the bush but I know how it would sound if I said exactly what I am upset about and I won't. I know saying I won't is going to make people ask but I'm just explaining why I sound so evasive. If that encourages people to try and convince me not to be that way so be it. It doesn't matter.
The point is I'm upset about a stupid thing and it creates internal conflict as well as cognitive dissonance. I won't say what that thing is but the next result is that I tire myself out from wrestling with it. I can't just let it go. I've tried and it is even more tiring to do anything else. That creates stress and my muscles tighten. That gives me a creepy look which could put me at a social disadvantage just because people think I'm broken.
chrysalid 18-21, F 1 Response 1 Apr 8, 2012