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So Lost And Lost Everything

My eyes are throbbing and my heart feels like it beats despite me.   My thoughts are hooked right into the well-formed path from head to burn center of my heart.  How did this happen?  How could this happen to someone who has very specifically set out to do good, to make life better, to bring about joy and faith and love?  Lotsa, lotsa love.  I know factually I have literally made the world a better place for many people.  Looking back, where there was something of good report or lovely or beautiful or just fun and exciting, I brought that about for everyone around me and it made me feel good and alive and needed I suppose.  It is very sadly and very hurtfully true that at my very first time trippin and falling over a gross deed others inflicted on me and even my innocent children, the benefactors up and ran.  The people who I guess I needed to need me, didn't need me anymore I guess cause they only needed me to provide in every way all the things, all the emotions, all the build up and time to do so that anyone on planet earth would love to devour.  After decades of giving, they found out I was in need for the first time, and now I found out exactly who I am.  Nobody at all.  My own mother is the worst offender and user, and if bitterness is being sensed - no, no, no!  Self-pity?  Yeah, real bad.  I do have to say, I have to be normal to feel this way, don't I?  I don't really know normal at all anymore to be fair.  Something so interesting to me in this new found life of rejection and shocking lonliness is the fact that I even have to pay a lot of money to be heard or even to bounce an "am I crazy?" or "is it me?" idea or thought.  All right.  this isn't helping at this point.
prayin4us prayin4us 41-45 Jan 8, 2012

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