It's Acid Rain

I'm crying on the inside and it burns me. My heart throbs and burns with sadness. No one understands what it's like for me. I try to explain the feeling I have. I've even sat down face to face with a counselor and I felt they were just saying things to make me feel better, but they didn't have meaning. I felt like they thought I was crazy.. I'm not crazy I'm just an average person like you or anyone else for that matter. I wear a smile on my face every day because I feel I have to be strong for the people around me. The death of my brother left me sad and forever crying on the inside. I've only cried in front of one person about my problems that I face and that's the man I love. He is the only one that understands me because the death of his father at a young age allows him to understand the hurt I feel of losing my brother. I face challenges every day.. mainly with my health. I have a pace maker to prevent me from passing out a lot, syncopes, and to stabilize my bradycardia. It's hard knowing that every morning I wake up is a day I'm not supposed to live. I wasn't even supposed to make it past my 10th birthday, but boy when I did.. it was a miracle. Sometimes I feel that with all the pain I have on the inside that I would be better off to never wake up. I wouldn't be sad, I wouldn't be hurting.. but then I realize the man I love would lose another one close to him.. and I could never put him through that so it makes me sad that I can't prevent what my heart decides to do. Eventually I want to have a family, but I know that my children that I may have could possibly be born with the heart defects that I have.. but I feel that would be so selfish of me knowing that possibility and putting my own, future, children through that. I don't know what to do anymore. I have no more tears to cry and the only part of me crying is my soul and no one understands. 

4strength 4strength
18-21, F
Mar 3, 2010