Can't Figure Things Out...Currently, I am happily married with a beautiful baby boy...something I always wanted, to be happy with a mate. However when I was younger I had a constant battle with myself, I was bi – considering being a lesbian, however I could never decide between the two. I guess you could say I managed to find a gf, however she was curious more than anything and I didn’t get to experience much with her. I was always in an area where there weren’t many like me…and I was made fun of more than anything (and I hadn’t even been open about it). Even when I had a bf I would think about girls, desired to look at them over men in photos and such (definitely more attracted to women). Later in highschool I was able to experience something I was glad to, however if anyone knew about it they’d call me a *****. But anyone that knows me knows that I can be more of a prude than anything at times, and that I have values. But I was invited into a relationship between a couple (a man and a woman). At first I was insulted at the question but was curious as to what it would be like to be with both genders as I had always craved. This of course opened me up to the idea of a polygamous relationship. As a matter of fact, my mate (before he became my mate) knew that I was that way and later into our relationship we discussed what it may be like to have another female in our family. I later decided that I would be the jealous one and it would probably cave in on us.
For some time I have been content with my family the way it is. But of course it arises again…although in a way I wouldn’t have expected. We just got through with the holiday season (finally), but my mates step daughter was able to come visit us with her gf. At this meeting we bonded very well, she’s old enough to be interested in things that I was at her age and in a lot of ways still am. They know in our house they’re allowed to be open about their relationship (aren’t allowed to do things though ;) ) and I started to feel myself as I was that age again. I got a pain in my chest when they embraced eachother and instantly felt bad about it. I miss the innocence of having a gf, the loving feeling I get when I watch movies or anime with women love in it. I still crave a woman…but the difference for me is…I’m attracted sexually to women, as in I enjoy looking at nude women (tastefully so). But I can’t see myself having a sexual relationship with one. It’s more like, I sleep with two people, love two people, do everything with two people, but only have sexual encounters with one. However that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t get into some heavy petting type of things with a woman. Also however…when I spoke about it with my mate a couple years ago he of course wished that if I were to find a woman it would be one he could have that relationship as well, maybe even on a sexual level…and that’s when I realized it probably wouldn’t work for us because I would be way the jealous type. I’ve spoken with polygamous people and have even encountered someone who was asexual. Personally I could never understand being with someone and letting them chase after other people sexually. Because for me to some degree (mostly with men) the bond happens sexually as well – and their excuse was that they were the ones that got the love while others just got the sex and it was no big deal. It Did get me thinking however that I could Really enjoy a relationship with an asexual female since it would be neither me or my current mate having that sexual relationship with another but it would make things to where we could have a close intimate bond with another (and they don’t have to worry about their mates finding all these other women or whatever…because I don’t like sleeping with a lot of people-so I’m not That type of polygamous person). Because it is that close bond that I crave, the innocent love that I’ve always felt a woman could provide me with that a man could not.
I hate that this is still an issue. I just don’t know what to do…I know I will Always have this struggle though…But always in the dark on it…always trying to repress it so it doesn’t cause a stir in my current happiness. Because I don’t want things to get messed up in my marriage. I just feel I’m not being honest with myself…
I just need some support. Someone to talk to, someone who understands what I’m going through…I’m a complicated person unfortunately…but who isn’t to some degree?
Drakonis 22-25, F 2 Responses 0 Jan 3, 2011