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Help Me Please...

My husband and I have been married for seven years. We never had thoughts of polygamy until he saw a tv program about it on PBS. It was just us and our two boys 5 and 3. He would bring it up every now and again but i never thought it would come to light that he wanted just that. I cheated on my husband back in 09'. I confessed to it this past July and he has filed for divorce (not final yet). While coping with what I did he and I (so I thought) were getting back together (having sex I would stay over night at our house after he kicked me out). But he later told me he was building a personal life with someone else (an 18 year old girl who is still in high school) and later told me that he wanted her me and our children to live together. He has taken her (is having sex with her and supporting her in our home. I live with his parents trying to wait out his craziness). He has given her a verbal covenant not to leave her as long as she is fair to him and he would be fair to her. He has given her a 'promise ring'. Its crazy!

Our (me, my husband and the girl) religion is Church of Christ (Christians). We believe man is the head and we woman are suppose to be in a submissive position. He is extremely knowledgeable in the bible and has come to the conclusion that the only way he will take me back like GOD took Israel back is that I accept the fact he has another woman/wife (this 18 year old who is still in high school and claims she is willing to sharing him) and we all live together as two wives and one husband. I desperately want my family back, but im not sure like this. It has been so hard. Our sons don't see their dad as much as they should and I'm tired of the arrangement. I hate she is with my husband. I know I created the situation. I'm not sure what to do. I want my family but not her. I don't want to be alone. To him this is my second chance back with him and he claims he will provide me with the same love as she and our kids will be fine. He says he loves us equally (although she has been living with her since Sep 10). He says this will teach me true submission and not allow me to try to be in control or in charge. I will be second wife not first. He's 29 years old, Im 30 and she is 18.

I love my husband and want to make this right because I have ruined our family unit, but Im not sure this is the answer. Any comments is welcomed. I havent decided to do anything. Lately I have been saying I just want to be alone. He says im being selfish and I am not growing as a christian submissive wife that I honestly want to be. Help me please...
moore1980 moore1980 26-30, F 18 Responses Jan 4, 2011

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He isn't worth it, plain and simple.

Like it or not he IS her husband and she has children to think of... They need their father... and they all need him as a righteous man. He's not perfect. For that matter I consider him a Jerk. But at the same time he is her husband until this is sorted out. He's playing around with scripture in order to get what he wants. unfortunately for him he doesn't realize that this a foolish way of going about it.

There are several things in play here.

One: as a man he has (in my opinion) foolishly bedded an 18 yr old without giving any PUBLIC VOWS.

2: Yet he has given his WORD to her. For him to break his word is a sin.

3: I think that he is going about this in a wrong manner by a: guilting you into this as opposed to arranging something like this WITH you. b: His attitude appears legalistic and that he seems to think that this will ensure great sex for him when in actuality he'll find that he would MUCH prefer to only have ONE woman's expectations to deal with rather than TWO.

4: If he was interested in reuniting with you I believe he should have waited for you and gone about forgiving you for the past instead of exacerbating the situation.

5: According to the Bible he has to ask the 18 yr olds FATHER for PERMISSION to MARRY her. He went about having sex with her outside of marriage. IF the father says NO then he needs to give the bride price for virgins. Either way he gives the bride price for virgins. IF her Father says NO then he is obligated to return her to her father's care. IF he says YES then he may never divorce her as long as they both live.

6: In the unlikely event that the Father actually says YES to a polygynous marriage with HIS DAUGHTER involved, THEN you would have to deal with the question of whether or not to engage in such a marriage.

7: Whether or not your husband gets his wish (to his own hurt, I might add, in the way this is being brought about) I won't condone divorce. However I would suggest remaining separate from him until he gets his head back together again.

8: If in the unlikely event that your worst case scenario happens: ie Father says Yes, your husbands hand is still extended in "forgiveness", I would seriously pray about whether or not G-D wants you and your children involved in a marriage such as this. I won't put G-d in a Box. He may say yes. It wouldn't in itself be a sin. He also may say no. In such a case DO WHAT G-D places in your heart and meshes with His Word.

First of all your HUSBAND is out of his mind,this lifestyle is not a forced situation and will end terribly.....as awful of a situation as your in...you can only blame YOURSELF,when you DISRESPECTED YOURSELF,YOUR HUSBAND,AND YOUR SON(your family unit),when YOU chose to have an AFFAIR....so you will never be HAPPY and be able to move on with your life until you can look in the mirror and RESPECT and FORGIVE yourself.....and GET RID OF YOUR HUSBAND who is doing the same DIRESPECT to the FAMILY UNIT....everyone in a situation of POLYGAMY must be willing not FORCED.....GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY......

You are a Christian. I am too. I'll tell you the truth about Christian marriage. I pray that you don't disregard this message.<br />
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Everyone will probably tell you what you want to hear, and the vast majority of Christians unfortunately, don't take the bible for what it says but confuse modern culture for biblical truth. There has been no single verse in the bible that I have ever seen in all of my days as a Christian that clearly forbids polygyny (a man having several wives), however there have been many in which God clearly condones it.<br />
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Many Christians might argue that "God allowed it, but that's not his original plan."<br />
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The question would be, "Where do they get the authority to be speaking on behalf of God on terms that are not biblicaly supported?"<br />
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Moore1980, don't take my word for it. Don't take anyone's word for any of what's said here. I implore you to do the research for yourself without falling into the trap of thinking that a persons understanding of a verse is the same as what the verse actually says(e.g. the argument that God made Adam and Eve, therefore he doesn't condone polygamy. God also says to David that he would have given him more wives on top of those he already has if he needed them after David kills a woman's husband to cover up that he slept with her while she was married). Let the bible, interpret the bible.

As hard as this might be to hear, you might very well have to accept it. It's unfortunate that things happened the way they did. Ideally, a husband would seek approval of his wife first to keep family harmony, but he's not required to.

Ok, he on target and you need to do what he says and accept it. He also needs to be sure to go beyond the promise ring and actually give to her his vow. This is a great blessing unless your envy ruins it. You need to grow into this and learn to see the silver lining, and you need to get closer to your new sister and learn to love her.

Bigamy is illegal is the united states. I hope she's in the us.

Men say a man can't marry many women but he can marry another dude if he wants. Mans law has no place meddling with marriage, GOD defined it and we need no mans permission to rightly engage in it. Oh, and while we are on the topic, actually the Constitution of the u.s.A. guarantees that people may engage in polygamy. Any so called "law" saying otherwise is in treason to the Constitution. Not that I need any Constitution to do what is right, but I wanted you to know that it actually is in fact legal, even by mans flawed law.

Honey you are not being selfish and I do not believe you created the situation. You may have had an affair but you confessed to that. He is just using that as a way to guilt you into something that you do not want to do. It sounds like he feels women are beneath men and not equals. I have to wonder if he was this way prior to everything that happened. If he can forgive you for the affair to join him and this younger girl then he should be able to forgive you and go back to just you and him, if he thought that much about family and if he truly loved you. I don't think you will be happy if you agree to this arrangement. You would be better off to go through with the divorce and start your life new and find someone who will give you what you need. You should not be forced to live in a situation where you are not comfortable. It will not be fair to you or your children.

He has the right to marry as many women as he wants regardless of what she did. This is what he wants and needs in his heart and no ones opinion will change that, his wife must accept him as he is.

And by the way, divorced women are not permitted to marry ever again. She is bound to her Husband as long as they both live.

Well sorry to tell u but I don't see the laws making them be married. I'm hoping she will divorce his ********* scum *** and realize she should leave..leave...leave. She deserves better and will find better. There's more than a soulmate..we have many soulmates out there.

Marriage came before law and does not require mens laws to exist, and actually is generally better off without it. "Scum"? "*********"? What is wrong with you, nothing in her story indicated that he was either of those things. Why would she "deserve" better, she doesn't? If she divorces him and marries another man she will be an adulteress and if she does not repent of that she will go to hell. "Soulmate" can only be the one who GOD has joined together with ones soul through a righteous marriage, meaning her first Husband. There can be no other "soulmate" as long as he lives. Your opinion is given from an immoral heathen position and is therefore inaccurate and inappropriate for the context of the discussion.

The only this i disagree with your statement is she did'nt create this situation...when clearly SHE possitively CREATED this SITUATION when she CHEATED on her HUSBAND and CHILD when she BETRAYED her FAMILY UNIT,,,,,,,but her HUSBAND is a NUT CASE for sure.....

HE is obliged by scripture to LOVE her as MESSIAH loved the congregation and gave himself up for her. please keep is balanced and REAL.

2 More Responses

I think it would be best if your husband took you back as his first wife and stopped having relationships with teenagers. Instead you should find him a good Christian single-mother who is HIS/YOUR AGE who can be both his second wife and also your best friend for life. Don't pick an unattractive woman just to avoid feeling threatened. Pick the best woman you can find for both yourself and him. And you have to tell your husband that he has to make love to you a lot to keep you faithful and submissive. Let him know that you will go for child-support if he divorces you, and mean it when you say it. Pick a woman who you could love enough that you would breastfeed the child she has with your husband. You have a chance to make this right... don't blow it.

Who he picks is his decision, not yours or hers. The man deserves to be happy.

Kick religion out of the relationship dynamics picture, become polyamorous, and stop being submissive. Ethical Polyamory would allow each one in the relationship to become equal. Check out this article. The tribal family unit might bring more cohesion than a nuclear one would.<br />
www.adbusters.org/blogs/blackspot-blog/polyamory-revolutionary.html

wrong

this is the part I never understood about the man being the head of the woman. What if the man starts acting irrational, do you follow his orders? What if he is just plain less intelligent or responsible than the wife, or for whatever reasons makes decision that are detrimental to the family? <br />
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There are other interpretations of Paul’s wording on this: that it is meant to be more of a metaphor, like many things in the Bible. You have a greater responsibility to do what is right for your children than what he tells you to do when he is acting in this way.<br />
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Not that I think that polygamy can never work, it can, but you both must wish for it.

Women do not need to submit to orders that would make them commit sins. Otherwise she is to obey. You ask what if he is not smart or responsible, marriage is meant to be taken very very seriously, it is a LIFE PACT after all, too many today enter into it lightly without even knowing who they are getting in bed with literally. Both adults have the burden of learning enough about the other prior to such a commitment, if they slack off about it, too bad for them, they are still in it. Men are Commanded to be responsible and women are Commanded to obey their Husbands. If everyone obeys all things are fine, if one or the other or both fail then the remedy is sticking together and praying for the sinning spouse, and that is also the thing that is done least but in time it does work. Pauls words were seldom metaphorical, they meant what they said directly. You have to recall that women have only very recently been allowed to do so much decision making and THAT is where the great majority of all the marital troubles in the world are coming from. Polygamy can and does work fine, as long it is entered into by people who work fine, nuts will have trouble even without polygamy. For her to accept her Husbands wishes and accept the other woman as her sister is what she should do. BUT that man does need to make a vow to that girl and not just engage in adultery, his wife must accept polygamy, but not adultery, if he is adulterating, he must repent, no his wife still should not leave him, she has no other Husband she may have while he lives, but she needs to insist that they make their vows.

Wow! You are right Sonia about the children, and living with his parents. But it was just a bit harsh. I'm sure if she could, she would be out of there. Plus, even though I am against religion, I am very spiritual and do believe in GOD and Christ, and I can tell you that your words offend a person who believes in that good book. Like I said, ultimately, you are right. Ms. Lady, you should move on from this guy.

You shouldn't have cheated, and as a result you may have lost a relationship with your husband. This does not mean that you should allow yourself to be treated like garbage. The truth is that a man like this would probably have looked for this reguardless, this just means that he gets to blame you. You sound like you have learned a lesson about faithfulness and should use this knowlege in your next relationhip WITH SOMEONE ELSE.<br />
This lifestyle encourages mental and often even physical abuse of women. Any religion that encourages a woman to be submissive is an offense to God. Does this bible scholar of a husband of yours follow the hundreds of other archaic commands given in the bible? Doubtful, probably only the ones that he can use to justify his outrageous behavior. This situation is not good for your children, or you. Why are you living with his parents? Do you have a way to support yourself and your child? You would feel better if you did. Be in control of your own destiny. If this continues on you have no one but yourself to blame.

I have a similar story, but I am the man and I have never been married. I have, for the past 6 years, felt as if polygamy was my calling. Now, it's hard to transform my unfaithful, monogamous lifestyle into a faithful polygamous one. One thing is for sure, polygamy is not an unequal display of love. You should neither be second or first in his eyes. For the moment, you seem as if you are the only serious one about polygamy, but judging from your story, I don't think you are capable of sharing a man. I am living in France with two French girlfriends and one English girlfriend. I love them all from the bottom of my heart. Two days ago, one of the French woman found out about the other French woman, and confronted her. I realized how much I had hurt the two. This is why I'm on this site. I have to accept who I am, even if that leads to me loosing the women of my life. I really need help.

Hi I have read your story and its extremely similar to mine the only difference is i have never cheated but he thinks i have. he took in another wife last year January and has since then insisted that he cannot abandon her as she has his child. he wants all of us to live happily ever after. he comes to my house 7 days and stays at hers 7 days. truth is i didnt like her at first but eventually i really feel nothing for her i coulndt care. I filed for a divorce but this did not stop him from pursuing the polygamous thing. (for lack of better words). honeestly ive tried for the sake of my son but it just is not working. i cant get over stage one. on the other hand he wont le me go and according to him i remain his wife no matter where i go and he is very posessive. in some way i think you have the choice better than i have to walk away. you make your own fate and trust me being alone is not that difficult.

He is punishing you. You will never feel the same about him now that he's doe this and he will never not do it again. Sorry. The only true thing you can do is be true to the Lord and to your own spirit. If he were to repent and be sorry and beg forgiveness it could be repaired but that will not happen if you accept it. You took his manhood, now he is taking your womanhood. Love and prayers to you from someone who'd been there. Sorry to be abrupt about it, just giving my honest opinion. XXX PS, the high school thing is frightening. She is a child.

He is punishing you. You will never feel the same about him now that he's doe this and he will never not do it again. Sorry. The only true thing you can do is be true to the Lord and to your own spirit. If he were to repent and be sorry and beg forgiveness it could be repaired but that will not happen if you accept it. You took his manhood, now he is taking your womanhood. Love and prayers to you from someone who'd been there. Sorry to be abrupt about it, just giving my honest opinion. XXX PS, the high school thing is frightening. She is a child.

I agree with the first comment. He is just using the Polygamy card to have his cake and eat it to. With you he has history and stability. With the other one he has the allure of the forbidden fruit. Him using the bible is just his attempt at controlling you and making you do what HE wants you to do.<br />
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Another thing that is said is that he gave a "promise ring" to the young girl. Does he know that he cannot LEGALLY marry both of you. Most polygamous marriages have 1 LEGAL marriage and the other wives are spiritually married (bound by a Priest, Pastor, Reverend, Rabbi, whatever you call your minister). I do not think that the Church of Christ will perform this type of binding as it goes against their teachings. The only church that I know of that does perform this type of binding are the fundamentalist sects of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS).<br />
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In a true polygamous relationship, all of the individuals share equally, both good and bad. It sounds like your partner is just using your emotions to twist them for his own purposes. As I said and the first commenter said - He's using you girl - Get out while the getting is good. <br />
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By the way, on the whole mumbo jumbo about you coming back into the fold. Tell him to blow out his ear. The Bible that I grew up with says "Love one another as I have loved you" not "if you loved me you would do____________". That is a sign of conditional love and marriage, especially polygamous ones, need to be about unconditional love. This is the kind of love that causes a man to die on a cross for generations of people he has never seen.

I would very much want my boys to have their father in the home, everyday! I wouldn't be happy at all in this situation. But Im thinking, is this what my punishment should be because of what I did? I cheated because of being selfish and wanting to be in charge. According to the bible I won't be able to make it to heaven without being humble. He claims this will humble me and temper my spirit. I dont want to got to hell because of what I did, but I dont want to live like that. I believe he is doing it because I broke his heart. Indeed I did, but he too is breaking my heart over and over everyday he is laying with her in our home and refuses to have sex with me, unless I agree to this 'new marriage'. I still cry. It sucks.

If u are religious isnt it Gods place to punish u. Although I don't believe God is so wrath like. He may have his moment. But do u honestly think its ok what he is doing. NO. DON'T believe everything in the bible. Try to find a personal relationship with God and be spiritual. What your husband did is find a mulligan, a way to cheat on u. 2 wrongs tisk tisk, u made a mistake. You both should've worked at it. You should never stay in a marriage where u feel as tho your less than. If u do believe in the bible you guys are going about it all wrong. On what submission is. Polygamy wasn't punished in the bible but it wasn't condoned either. All the polygamist ended up unhappy. Read about it. You need to let go. It will be ok and u will not burn in hell. Message me if u need someone to talk to. It will all be ok.

I know you feel guilty about your affair but there is something I don't understand. Why should you have to feel bad about ruining the relationship when he is commiting the same sin and telling YOU to accept it. As long as your divorce is not final, he is cheating on you. And even the mere suggestion of him forcing this woman upon you is the signs of a control freak. Get out now! You deserve to be happy and judging by the disappointment in the situation, you would never be happy in that situation anyway.