I Don't Know What to Do

My husband and I met on the Internet.  It was basically love at first sight on our first date.  Our first date lasted 33 1/2 hours long.  We dated for 6 months and then got married in Vegas.  We've now been married 10 months.  In October, we decided to take up swinging.  An ex-girlfriend of an ex-friend of ours happened to come hang out with us one weekend, we all drank too much, and ended up sleeping together.  She then eventually moved in with us and lived with us for 3 months.  During this time I was the most unhappy I have ever been in my life.  I was the only one working, as my husband was on disability, and they were home all day together.  He paid way more attention to her and treated me like a second hand shoe when she was there.  She started disappearing for days, coming home really late, and we found out that she was addicted to meth.  She caused so much drama and havoc in our lives that we kicked her out.  I later had an anxiety attack over the stress, which I've never had before in my life.  We've gotten with a couple of other females and a couple of couples since then, and now my husband wants to try moving some girl in that lives all of the way in New Jersey that he met on the Internet.  I was severely traumatized by the first instance of a girl living with us and I think that's skewed my judgement and making it impossible for me ever be happy or satisfied with the idea.  I talked to her on the phone and she's nice enough, but I can't help feeling jealous and wanting to beat the crap out of her at the same time.  What should I do?

Confused In California

Booba1982 Booba1982
22-25, F
23 Responses Jun 20, 2007

It's time to call a sudden and severe halt to the craziness, CIC. Time to tell your husband "Whoa, Red Rider... we need to take a breather and rethink where this is all going." Put a STOP to all this stuff... you can't share your home with anyone else until your relationship is stable. And why the hell is the guy who isn't working inviting other people to move in anyway? As the sole wage earner, you should be the one having the say who moves in and who doesn't. Anyone who moves in better be able to either pay rent or get a job and contribute half their pay check to the house.

Its ur own, fault for puttin the idea in his head and as for u,being jelous that is also ur own fault if u didnt want a polygamous relationshil u shouldnt have made it ok in the first place at this rate ur goin to end up hrtin him andd the girl

Hi there,<br />
<br />
I Have been with my girlfriend now for 4 years and we have been having a good time and are madly in love. She recently told me she is Bisexual and has kept from me for a while as she thought i would react negative to it. Howeve I embraced it as was extremely hammy that she was open enough to tell me how she honeslty felt.<br />
<br />
Any way to the point..... i allowed her to experiment with other girls but she always wanted me to be involved, she has been seriously been thinking about having a 3 way relationship with me her and another girl. I have been researching about it and it seems logical that people do get jealous but what seems to be the trend is tri couples who are honest and have good communication seem to weather the storm.<br />
<br />
What I'm asking is not if you think its right but where would i find a female who shared the same values as us and had a lot of love to give not only a female but also a male<br />
<br />
Share your thoughts.Feature This Story <br />
Edit This Story

Hi there,<br />
<br />
I Have been with my girlfriend now for 4 years and we have been having a good time and are madly in love. She recently told me she is Bisexual and has kept from me for a while as she thought i would react negative to it. Howeve I embraced it as was extremely hammy that she was open enough to tell me how she honeslty felt.<br />
<br />
Any way to the point..... i allowed her to experiment with other girls but she always wanted me to be involved, she has been seriously been thinking about having a 3 way relationship with me her and another girl. I have been researching about it and it seems logical that people do get jealous but what seems to be the trend is tri couples who are honest and have good communication seem to weather the storm.<br />
<br />
What I'm asking is not if you think its right but where would i find a female who shared the same values as us and had a lot of love to give not only a female but also a male<br />
<br />
Share your thoughts.Feature This Story <br />
Edit This Story

interesting. Thanks for sharing.

I think if she wants to move closer to both of you, then she should be capable of moving into her own place. There is no reason you should move someone you barely know into your home. Let her move close to you, see how things work out, and take it slowly. <br />
<br />
I can't comprehend seeing my husband with another woman, even the thought of it hurts my heart. Before marriage I probably would have been more receptive to the idea, but once those vows are spoken and we've dedicated our lives to each other then it is the two of us and only the two of us in our bed forever.<br />
<br />
Some people can handle it, some can't. Sounds like you can't. I think there will always be a jealousy factor (similar to the not trusting someone who you have caught cheating on you) no matter what promises are made. <br />
<br />
AND, if he's not capable of working, then how in the hell is he capable of satisfying two women sexually? Sounds to me like he needs to find a more productive way to use his energy stores....like contributing monetarily to the household. In polygamous marriages, the husband should ONLY take a second wife if he is able to care for her financially, and he is supposed to treat all wives EQUAL emotionally, physically, and financially. It sounds like you are playing the husband role, therefore YOU are the one to decide if you are ready to care for another human being.

Your situation isn't polygamy, it's polyamory. Your husband is engaged in sexual immorality. No wonder you are upset. You should be. You work hard all day and bring home the food. He is sleeping with women he isn't married with. You should tell him to marry them, or get out. Shame on you for letting this go on for so long!

Learn from your mistake... theres no harm in her coming just insist she be treated the same as you. If not tell her she's got to go... when at first we don't succeed try and try again...

Learn from your mistake... theres no harm in her coming just insist she be treated the same as you. If not tell her she's got to go... when at first we don't succeed try and try again...

I am sorry for that situation. I think that playing house with an addict is not fun. Sounds like you enjoyed her until jealousy became an issue and the truth of her addictions came out. My wife and I tried to have another woman in our home with the intention to make Debbie part of our family. It was not sexual. We just let her know of our intentions. the problem was that one night she got drunk and started to make rash statements and was scaring my wife with premonitions of her dying or being unable to care for herself. My wife Karen went to bed and locked her bedroom door. And Debbie came pounding on it and insisting that Karen chat with her more or at least give her the car keys so she could get more booze. the next morning Karen had our neighbor call the authorities to get her out of our house.

I am sorry for that situation. I think that playing house with an addict is not fun. Sounds like you enjoyed her until jealousy became an issue and the truth of her addictions came out. My wife and I tried to have another woman in our home with the intention to make Debbie part of our family. It was not sexual. We just let her know of our intentions. the problem was that one night she got drunk and started to make rash statements and was scaring my wife with premonitions of her dying or being unable to care for herself. My wife Karen went to bed and locked her bedroom door. And Debbie came pounding on it and insisting that Karen chat with her more or at least give her the car keys so she could get more booze. the next morning Karen had our neighbor call the authorities to get her out of our house.

Good for you that you were willing to try something and be sexually adventurous, but shame on your husband for allowing you to do all the work! If you're willing to compromise for his sake and let a woman move in with you that presumably you'll be having ********** with, then he should lavish attention on you to reassure you that you are the one he loves. He did marry you, after all!<br />
You need to let your husband know that you are not okay with this. Tell him why. Tell him the first experiance left you hesitant (and maybe scared?) and try to be calm while telling him. Getting overly emotional will just cause him to shut down and think "God, what a nagging shrew," and we know that isn't true. ;)

You should not let him do that! <br />
In my relationship I swing and my Fiance is monogamous with me. This works for us.But if he didn't enjoy his side of this arrangement, I would either stop completely, or end the relationship (no, but it's an option). <br />
I love him dearly, and I do not want to see him hurt. My other partners are just for fun.

Apparently your husband thinks his life would be better with more wives at home. The way it worked out, that you were working and they were playing, obviously wasn't fair to you and didn't give you the love, support, attention you needed.<br />
<br />
Any relationship 2, 3, 4, 5 person family works best with calm, frank, open, honest communication and respect to position. Namely, yours as real/actual wife. Since you keep going along with this, you must be getting something out of it. But, if its lopsided, or subjugates your primary relationship, you need to put boundaries in place that protect that relationship. <br />
<br />
Some swingers have the "three date" rule. You never swing with the same people/person more then three times. Its a boundary that helps avoid letting external people invade your life and emotions.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, if you both agree that you found the right person to commit to, ask yourself, "Would you put her name on the deed to the house?" If the answer is NO Way, keep it to three dates. If the answer is YES, then you might consider her moving in.<br />
<br />
It sounds like in your case, there will never be a woman that you would trust with the deed to your house, so why give her a set of keys to your man's heart?

Divorce your husband now. He will never change, and neither will you.

Oh, your story makes me sad. It seems that you wanted to experience some sexual fun that your husband liked much more than you did, and you perhaps have trouble sorting out the source of your pain. You seem to think that having the "other" live with you makes you jealous, but did you consider that it could be the mere existence of the "other" that is really the cause of pain? Maybe they are not as painful to you when not living with you because you can unconciously deny that they exist?

You have been a very good sport with your husband by allowing another woman to move in with you. Sounds, however, as if he is not satisfied with having just one woman and has bought into the idea of a Haram. If you knew when you married him that this was the case, you may have thought differently. Now you are stuck in a rut, this is not what you agreed to at the time of marriage. If you are to be in a polygamous relationship that is something you both must agree to. It is hard in our culture to accept another woman into your home. <br />
<br />
If you both choose to have 3 somes once in a while that is what you must both decide. He seems to be getting too curious about sex and less interested in investing in his relationship with you. What if you choose to bring another male into the bedroom, will he go for that? You should insist and see how he takes it?? This all may be a lesson to you to keep better boundaries next time. If you want to play with other couples, you keep them out of your marriage and life! Keep it buisiness like, meet at a hotel or someone elses place. Dont sleep in with them or cuddle with them. Leave it at sex and not love.

Booba this is my personal take. I have nothing wrong with polygamy but It must be a descision as a couple not one member of it. Your husband made a commitment to you. Now if yoy two as adults discuss it and are ok with it then by all means do as thou will. However if you have misgivings about any of it then you should talk to your hubbie and his commitment to you should come first.

Hey, i bet if you brought home another guy for a while, he might decide to just keep it between the two of you, and not have any others involved, he would probably be jelous too. God di not intend for couples to share.

I think it;s great that your open to alternative lifestyles, but it sounds as if your husband does not have the capacity to see you emotionally fulfilled when there is another woman in the picture. If you're already feeling jealousy, and you haven't even met the woman yet, i don't think this scenario will work for you and this particular partner at least.

You need to tell your husband you don't want to share your home. If he doesn't agree then you need to re-evaluate your situation. Sorry to say.

It seems like the lifestyle you tried out isn't working for you so it looks to me like you should tell your husband. If he still wants to live that lifestyle you'll need to decide whether that's what you want for yourself or if you need to move on. It sounds like your alternative lifestyle is really something you need to get out of.

What you should do is tell you husband that it is not going to happen. You are married to him, and are not comfortable with living with another woman in the house. If he has an issue accepting how you feel, then get couples counseling. Not wanting to share your husband with another woman is a normal reaction.