The Life of a Woman With 2 Hubbies

I got several readers for my "What's Cool About Polygamy" (see below) One lady shared her desire for having two husbands who are brothers. Here's my thought on it: I think there are certain prerequisites that render this scenario possible in our current lifestyle. We live within a nuclear family. So, assuming that Mrs. Polygamous would have either 2 houses next to the other or two apartments or she could have an apartment with two rooms for each husband to have their privacy. Considering most women do the cooking in a household (though in the West, many women do the driving to the supermarket, shopping, cooking, picking kids up and cleaning afterwards), let's just consider she'd have to stay in one house in order to be able to maintain the upkeep of her two-husbands household. (We could make the husbands be the homemakers as well, but that would be two revolutions in one, right?) So, in order for her to demand sex from each husband when she wants it, she'd have to be more muscular than the average woman. This is important so that she wouldn't be raped into sex by either or both of the men - as men are usually the one in the position as rapist - due to their "superiority" in terms of physical strength, for the most part. However, she could still play the "traditional" temptress role of a woman whenever she demands some loving from either of the man. She has to be extra careful though not to pass in front of the brother of husband #1 as this will result in both of them coming, and therefore she will never have the private time that she deserves with each one. In order to keep these two men obedient and faithful to her, they must be from a rather unstable stock - both mentally and financially. They must have some kind of desperate need for Mrs. Polygamous' financial support and emotional support. They must not have the familiar "male competitive spirit" otherwise, they will be very upset to be named in the family documents or will for instance, as the husband #2. Mrs. Polygamous would have to monitor their spending money to ensure that they don't get extra services anywhere. Perhaps they could be made to do housework and mind the children. Yes...the children! Mrs. Polygamous would have trouble keeping track of which children belong to which father. Lucky for her, she has opted for brothers for her two husbands, so they would easily have the same last names or tribal names. And assuming similar genes, they would look just like they are from one man. Of course, with two unrelated men as their father - the men will always wonder about their true offsprings. We know from science that men are not emotionally attached to children to begin with, when compared to the majority of women. This will be a problem as far as the relationship between father and child is concerned. Perhaps, the men would not develop such loving relationship with children that they are not sure about their origin. This is true for most men. Perhaps, Mrs. Polygamous can just send the children to her parents for appropriate love and care. And she can continue with her marital bliss. (Compare this to some ancient pagan style in which the women of the society is free to go bed-hopping into any household in her "town". I just can't imagine my husband coming home, saying "You're going to the postman's house tonight, honey! I want his wife for the 5th time this week...that woman's irresistable!!" Again, human can choose what they desire, but the children and the next generation will have mixed up and confused identity - which actually is happening in many of today's societies.) All Praise be to God for sending moral codes through His prophets and sages throughout the century. We are indebted to Noah, Moses, Siddharta Buddha, Confucious, Zoroaster, David, Jesus and Muhammad peace be on the Lovers of God.
nourradiance nourradiance
36-40, F
37 Responses Sep 12, 2007

I think you are deeply confused about how things like this work, and human relationships in general. The woman has to be strong to avoid being raped by the husbands? How about just not marrying rapists? Men won't love children if they're not theirs? Have you ever heard of adoption? Or of step-children? And as for the cooking and house chores, yes I'm sure men can do their share of that. Obviously plural marriages and polyamorous relationships are not for everyone. But monagomous relationships are not for everyone either. Polyamory has plenty of difficulties associated with it, such as avoiding jealousy. But none of the concerns you've raised here are even remotely reasonable.

Women should be able to express their desires as much as they can in other aspects of life in a free society. Marriage should not be institutionalized but should be an individual choice between two or more people regardless of gender as a contract. I believe a woman who want to have one or more than one man as companion can do it so long she can outline the dos and donts of all parties in the setup. Sexual pleasure should not be suppressed but should be determined by the individual so long no other person is being harmed. Most women have been railroaded into thinking they have been decreed to be material of pleasure for their husbands or spouse but while women may show physical or emotional subtleness ,they are as equal as the strongest man can be. So women out there , seek what gives you pleasure,whether it be being with one man,no man, multiple men or women, just do what is safe and know what you can handle.<br />
L.d williams

Hi Lois,
I know it sounds good to say people can choose to do what's right for them. But most often people choose to do the wrong thing for themselves and their children have to pay it with their lives and souls. Too many sad stories out there still playing out day in and day out. Moral grounding is for own good and sometimes people just can't resist harmful temptations.

We all make choices in life, and we'll see how that choice has served us, when we're ...90?

I have two husbands...and I am happy. Maybe it is not right for everyone..but it is right for me.

That's a rational comment. Maybe it can work for someone, but for how long. For some people 1 year old is a successful relationship, for others 10-years old, and by the old standard: till death do us part. How long can one woman be honestly in love with two or more men, and for the same men to stay honestly in love with this particular woman? Would he and the other men stick around when she's having hot flashes during her menopause?

This situation is not only impractical, but it's not taking the time to consider a lot of the things that make being poly amorous into the wonderful thing it can be. The worst part of this whole story, though I don't approve of the pagan jabs either, is the concept that you'd be able to confuse the kids. The odds of there being less than a year between kids are so low, and I know I can't confuse mine with any other from the day I had him, even as a newborn, I knew my child.<br />
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There are some really wonderful things about polygamy, and even group marriage. It's a matter of always being 100% honest with all of your partners and always making sure the others feel safe. My "boyfriend", though it's an open relationship feels safe to break down and cry to me, and I to him, but not to others for either of us. We have a unique connection, but he can also have just as deep a connection with another girl, or I with another guy. Polyamorous people have a tendency to be in love with more than one person at a time. Most people can't be honest enough with themselves to really make it work, but there are those who can. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it can't for anyone.

Thanks dear.


LOL!<br />
I enjoy having your smart arrows shooting at me...gotta exercise the brain sometimes!<br />
Anyhow, come to think of it, I agree with some things you said. I was just re-reading the Chapter Hud in the Qur'an, and it mentioned Abraham and Sarah receiving news of the birth of Isaac in old age So, if they can have a baby at 90 or something(I don't have the liberty to assume anything else beyond this statement), you can certainly have fun at 80! <br />
(May God's peace be upon the prophets and their families)<br />
I certainly appreciate your mentioning "You speak as if God told you something else that he told everyone else."<br />
You have humbled me, and I crave a humbling experience. I'm sorry if I sound "holier than thou". Someone asking me about their sex lives is synonymous to asking Dr Ruth how to put on a nun's habit. (Hope this doesn't offend the nuns.)<br />
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It's not my sphere of interest. Physical desires are simply trials in life, like wealth. God gives some us too much and some too little. Do we use it for goodness sake or self-gratification without concern for others in our lives? Some people lose much more than sexual desire after a crash or a crippling disease - should the husband or wife start looking for a bedtime substitute?<br />
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Maybe the Viagra...

arrow2fast,<br />
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I refuse to be called a cold woman. Coldness or warmth refers to the heart, and not to desire. Physical desires are needs of the body, emotional desires are needs of the hearts, but longing for God the Eternal is the desire of the spirit.<br />
Please don't advice someone to give in to her carnal lust and betray the divine gift of love between a husband and a wife. When we age, we slowly lose our physical strength, suppleness and even desire for food and sex. Yet our emotions towards those we love have been tested and are more intense. We should stay faithful to the bounty of Love, and be obedient to the ruling of God. If you can't see this, perhaps others will.

You're funny Ancient. Mother-in-laws as one of the "perks" of polygamy - that's a good one. Hey! Are father-in-laws any better? (I have great father and mother-in-law, thankfully!)<br />
LadyJayne, honesty is very lacking these days in men and women. Keep on being honest though, yourself - and perhaps God will reward you with an honest man. May God bless you all.

Simple enough.

I'm sorry to hear of your problem my sister. It's true that all three monotheistic religions (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) "allow" plural marriages only for men, according to their sacred texts. However, it does not mean that every man is encouraged to do so. Many Muslim men who claim to follow the examples of the Prophet Muhammad by marrying more than one, actually hampers their spiritual upliftment by adding impossible trials and challenges to their lives in having to pacify two or more sets of families. Those who care for their spiritual upliftment and proximity to God would realize that marrying more than one for the sake of fulfilling sexual desires, is not entirely what the Prophet intended. On the other hand, those who do so to take care of widows and orphans, are exceptional servants of God. Similarly, a woman who admits the existence of God, who desires more Love from her Creator, will see her excessive cravings for sex as a trial to be overcome, in order to reach a state of harmony with her surrounding and achieve a blissful Afterlife. <br />
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These aspects of spirituality, I must express, as it is the reason I write here at EP.<br />
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At a more personal level, I could only make assumptions and offer some considerations. <br />
1. Most research indicates that women desire foreplay, as opposed to intercourse. Thus, what you call sex may simply be ex<x>pression of love, such as caressing and fondling. If this is the case, you should express this to your husband, and he may find it easier to serve this need on a daily basis, as opposed to intercourse. <br />
Try to exaggerate your happiness whenever he gives you the slightest dose of praise or admiration. Encourage him to tell you "sweet little lies" even though he's a terrible liar. We've got to make do with these as we age, I think.<br />
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I will write you a personal message on more of my thoughts, as I feel shy as a Muslim woman to talk about the particulars in a public sphere without a real need.

Well Nour, it all sounds good on paper but in reality its a different story. I have been married now over 20 years, he comes from a different culture than mine, we have 4 children and are both over 45. It is his duty as it is mine to please him, but he has never had a sex drive like mine and I find that as I get older (there is age difference of 9 years) I want it daily, not only sex but tenderness, softness not aggression, I want to hear him want me and I'm not getting it. When I get depressed he threatens to leave me because I have no reason to be depressed? He cannot or will not accept that I want him to show his love for me. I jokingly mentioned medication for him and his answer was 'there is nothing wrong with me' 'you are just acting stupid'. So Nour what now? And you say I need to tone down my cravings? You would not say this if it was the other way around! So why is it that the man may marry more than one but for the woman she must control her "cravings"???

A wife with excess libido, if she desires to lead a chaste married life, would have to communicate to her husband her needs. I'm sure it doesn't take much for a woman to send her signals to a spouse. Men are commonly able to reciprocate more often than women. A religious woman who is afflicted with this problem, is synonymous to a woman who likes to overeat. Sex is just one of our human desires, that need to be put under control so that it doesn't take over our lives. If the husband is not capable, he should resort to medication or herbal treatment for his wife's sake, while the wife also makes an effort to tone down her cravings.

Nourradiance - most men though marry more than one not for the right reason but for sex. Although what does the wife do when she needs it more than her husband?

I appreciate your very introspective writing style. It's a virtue really. As for my wish...I don't wish for polyandry or polygamy. Someone else asks me my thought on the subject and I provided the scenario as I imagined it to be based on broad gender attributes.

Is your wish for polyandry based in specific religious principles, or do you simply wish to pursue a nonconventional lifestyle? It's difficult to comment fairly on your story without knowing your motivation (assuming you are aware of it yourself). I simply cannot conceive of sufficient motivation for males to engage in such arrangements.

Why wouldn't they? Not saying that this is your opinion, but it seems like a lot of people think it is ok for a man to have many wives and a woman can only have one husband. Personally I think if you are all in love and in a committed relationship together, everyone loved equally and fairly, then what does it matter? I think a woman could have two (or more) husbands, and frankly it might be a good idea for some. But you do have a valid point, that you can't see men doing that.

My name is Natasha, and I"m not into polygamy! But am very interested in it... I have found myself very interested in all types of religions, cultures, and lifestyes. I am currently trying to write a book on my experiences on understanding religion. I've done alot of research, and I've seen the opressed side of Polygamy and the people who choose polygamy! <br />
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I am very interested in hearing peoples stories, views on their religion, views on polygamy, why they chose polygamy, and how life is as a fundalmentalist mormon... If you would like to share your personal experiences, pros and cons ect ect wtih me, you can email me at or msg me on here :) thank you very much for your time :)

Valikrye,<br />
We're on the same page. I totally agree with the wise woman you quoted, actually the set of problems could be bigger when one brings the kids into the picture (in most cases). <br />
I guess people who are happily (or relatively happy) married should share all the enjoyment they get from continually serving each other. You can start first. ;

Which takes away from the enjoyment (i.e., happiness) resulting from the continual, "Could I do better?"<br />
As one wise woman once told me, "To divorce and find another one is only giving up one set of problems for a whole different set." Stay, work it out and learn to deal and love at the same time adding security to the marriage.

Love blooms when we choose and God wills that he/she loves us back, doesn't it?<br />
The study's outcome you mentioned is not what we'd typically expect. We'd expect to be happier if we can pick a fella, and trade him/her back if he/she doesn't fit our "true love" criteria under challenging situation. The typical new marriage goes through this impossible strain, because everyone has gotten so used to the idea of "shopping around"before marriage, that the shopping around just can't stop after marriage.

Love is choice. I read once phsychologists did a study to determine happiness with choices. One group was allowed to choose something for free yet if they didn't like it they could bring it back to exchange it. The other group was also allowed to choose for free yet it was nonreturnable. Over 70% of those who were allowed to exchange did. Several months later all were asked how happy they were. Those who were allowed to exchange only had about a 40% (low) happiness ratting while the other had 89% (i think). Figures maybe a little off been long time.<br />
In other words: the more choices we give ourselves most often the less happy we will be with the ones we do make.<br />
We are happiest IF we decide to follow our word instead of always wanting to try the next item. Allowing our word to mean nothing. Love can last if we so choose.

Hi There Sweetmom,<br />
One info I can give you is that it's a bad idea for a woman to have two husbands or boyfriends. But that's my perspective due to the situation of my life and my belief. You're gonna have to start a forum to discuss this topic more and open it up to people who's done it.<br />
In regard to marrying older men, I heard that men get better as they aged especially in terms of handling their own ego and in developing more patience towards women and children. Don't take my word for this because the man I marry is about my age - so we have a tough ride trying to outdo each other's ego, but I think we're close to reaching the final line. Hopefully, victorious. <br />
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Choosing love? Love is one of those things that depend much on God's will. Set a good intention for yourself, ie. strive to find a good man that will steer your life towards an honest and clean life, and then constantly seek God's help to achieve this through prayer. May God help you and bless you and your child.

I would love to learn more about this . I am a young girl who just wants more info on this life style.<br />
Why do people do it ? What are the bad parts to this?<br />
I just would like to know more .By the way when I say I am young I am over 18 .<br />
I have a daughter.<br />
I would like to know why in all the movies I have watched they show young girls marrying these older men why is that? You cant choose who you will love for eternity?


We are all master and servant in one form and the other.

Hi Valikrye,<br />
I agree with the concept of not having two masters for Lordship of the Almighty, for Kingship or Presidential bid, and even within a household. But a husband is not and should not exactly be a "master" and the wife, his subordinate. I'd rather call the leader-spouse a Supervisor. I think we need another EP experience topic regarding this Master-Servant relationship within a family.

I think what she was meaning that, according to the Bible, the husband is supposed to be the head of the house and the wife (wives?) are supposed to submit to his athourity. however the verse she quoted, about no man can serve two masters, is refering to the fact that (according to the Bible) you can serve God and not Satan/Devil or vice versa. So I am not sure why she said that.

Having two masters is not possible. You will love one or hate the other.

You're right outshined, thanks!<br />
Kileana, if everyone can know "for a fact" which child is fathered by which man, we won't need to have developed genetic or DNA testing wouldn't we? And that's logic.

Actually, if it's a woman with two husbands it's polyandry, not polygamy...

Curiosinaz,<br />
<br />
To answer two of your questions:<br />
1. Sometimes in life, we trust others, and they betray our trust. This can even happen between a parent and a child, under extreme circumstances.<br />
2. Why would a husband(s) rape a wife? It's when someone force you to have sex when you are not in the mood for it. Similarly, there is date rape as well. You can google search to find out more, I'm sure.<br />
Good luck!

Edith,<br />
<br />
You wonder when people will accept polygamy. This is the reality of humans - we do things either for others or for ourselves. We think we do. In societies where conformity is openly valued, no one dares to do things for their own sake. Everyone dressed up for others to like them or approve of them. In the West, we see teenagers vying with one another to be different - yet they all fall into similar molds. Everyone conforms to be different than the next person, as long as they are not too different. Similarly, polygamy is outlawed in many countries because people think its backward. So, nobody wants to be strange.<br />
However, for me polygamy carries a lot of risk with it. Humans are imperfect, and it is very likely that partners will not behave equally to each partner. Even parents are not equal to their children. As a Muslim however, I would only subscribe to polygamy under religious law where a man is held accountable by God - and would fear breaching his contract with God. (Refer to my other story"What's Cool About Polygamy") The religion of Islam requires certain prerequisites for polygamists such as a separate housing for each wife and fair distribution of days and nights spent together, failing which a husband is liable to a divorce. Until a government can secure rights for all partners in a polygamous marriage, I wouldn't consider it for myself. <br />
For me, polygamy is something that can alleviate a certain problem, not something done for the fun of it.<br />
It's God's solution for some of life's problems. It shouldn't matter what others say about it.

People can do what they want. If fulfilling self-desires and cravings is the purpose of life for some of us - they shouldn't be upset that others don't endorse it or think it's great. As Mr. Buckminster said, I have no experience to back my claim that women become victimized by two men instead fulfilling themselves. You are right. Certain things like a massage, movies, alcohol, sex, drugs etc. are loved only after you have experienced it. People don't get addicted to anything unless they try it first. Some people live life according to a certain principle in order to feel relative happiness and to gain willpower in the face of life tribulations. Others live life hunting for the next kill, the next dose of excitement be it through food-binging, sex or bungee jumping. For some, a dose of happy-hormone trickle in more slowly through more mellow activities. Whatever it is, you cannot blame anyone if they don't want to get addicted to sex with one or two partners.<br />
The satisfaction is instant but short-living. The side-effects of sharing life, emotion, finances, responsibilities and funeral costs with two male partners is not something the average person is able to shoulder without hurting one or the other in the end. That's me looking at the bigger picture.

Hi, I am a polygamous woman, I have had two different men interested in me at the same time so to speak. I always thought polygamy was for men only. Then I read an excerpt about polyandry in Tibet. I also read headlines in Minnesota Religious paper about a woman wanting to marry another man whom wasn't her husband's brother in the Twin Cities area. I often wonder if polygamy will ever be accepted now days, or if it will always be persecuted.

nice little bash against the Pagans in there to. You do realize most christian holidays are nothing but Pagan rituals with a christian spin including the most important two easter (fertility rites) and Christmas (yule, winter equinox)

Actually the birth of Jesus wasn't in December, it was actually in the fall like late september/early october. no one knows for sure when Jesus' birthday is, but historians and Bible scholars believe it was around this time with their studying it and all.

sO I am not sure why christmas is celebrated during the yule/winter equinox. just because it also happens to be a pagan holiday, well that just means we can all celebrate together, like me and my Wiccan friends do!