Topping From The Bottom And Why It Hurts A D-s Relationship

Within a D/s relationship, this should never occur on an intentional basis. It is human nature to question, even within the most submissive of minds, we are only human. However, when it is done to manipulate or question the Master, trust has been lost along the way.

Trust and communication are vital within any relationship. But in a D/s one, where the Master is trusted with the entire well-being of the sub, they become the key to a good relationship. Being able to discuss scenes and what will happen builds the trust between them, allowing them to explore them as far as they trust each other to go.

When playing a scene, it is the submissive's role to never question or disagree with what the Master commands. Everything should have already been agreed before the scene is played out. Where the Master changes or makes them do things that are beyond their comfort that have not been discussed, then trust has been broken, and the lack of communication places the control in the sub's hands.

Even within 24/7 relationships, the trust between the two is vital. If the sub decides to change something and use their power to control the situation, it changes the dynamics completely. Emotional blackmail, saying they think such and such would work instead, just because they prefer that... It works both ways, the sub should voice when discussing the scenes, not during.

Communication is the key. From the Master allowing time out to discuss scenes and expectations, to the sub feeling comfortable to voice their suggestions or concerns. Some scenes can be extremely draining, physically and emotionally. If there is no communication in situations like that, how can there be trust?

There's also an issue on defining what "Topping from the bottom" is. Some say it isn't anything, others say it is can be a huge problem. By speaking before any scene or any play goes ahead, the Master and sub should discuss where the line should be drawn. There have been articles written about Masters not allowing their subs toilet breaks, as that was considered topping from the bottom, or the sub being late. By communicating these problems beforehand, it should't even be a problem.

It's not only always the sub's fault either. Not that it is a fault. If the Master decides to make the scene more painful or push them a more than they intend too, it becomes less of what it should be, a nurturing relationship, and more of a bullying one.Where the sub gives over their body, and sometimes their mind once in subspace,the trust between them has to be unbreakable.

Defining the role of the sub beforehand might also stop this from happening. Are they a slave, a pet, a ***** or whatever... If they are a slave, then the rules must be set before play.

i was always told that i would be pushed beyond my comfort zones. i knew this, and i knew in what areas this would happen. If there was no care, or trust between us, i would have never allowed for it to happen. No matter what head-space i am in, i am still human and know my boundaries within and outside of my comfort zones. But i am glad i allowed for it to happen, as our trust has grown even more between us. We have also gained more of an understanding of ourselves. i know that He cares and loves me, and we are lucky to be in a relationship where we switch between D/s and 'normal' naturally. He knows that His pleasure and His love are my priorities too, and i will do my best to fulfill my duties both as a pet and as His wife.

Within our relationship, my Master allows me to communicate freely. Before a scene and if something really makes me feel uncomfortable, then during. We don't use safe words, a i trust him completely. But i am lucky that we have only ever needed to do that once. After a scene we discuss it. What worked, what didn't. What we could next time. my safety, His pleasure, Our love are the priority.
belovedpet belovedpet
26-30, F
4 Responses Aug 4, 2010

As soon as the pain killers clear my foggy brain I shall return. Placing a comment here as a reminder to myself to come back!

Excellent Posting, and I whole heartedly agree. I wish more newbies to the lifestyle would learn what to expect before their beginning efforts. I have seen many fledgling D/s relationships ruined by the simple lack of communicating, basically exactly as you have stated. Thumbs Up, and Thank You!

Exactly, my Love. New D/s relationships that aren't as established as ours, where the focus is just sex, Safe Words are a must.

This was an assignment given to My pet, and I feel she has captured the view from both sides very well. This is only a brief overview, however, as she was given specific parameters to complete her task.<br />
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There are many books on the BDSM lifestyle that can guide readers of this post, and most of them go into more detail on this subject.<br />
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There is, within some D/s relationships, a time and a place for "topping from the bottom", or "brat play". But in the overall dynamic, a loving Dominant maintains the boundaries to keep it SSC.<br />
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It should be noted that it is extremely important to least discuss the use of "safe" words or actions - specific statements (or movements, when speech is limited) that are available to both the Dom and sub that ends the scene when hard limits are possibly being abused.<br />
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In the case of Myself and My pet, she trusts me implicitly, and was actually hurt when I brought up the subject. she understands the importance, she just lives so deeply within her trust of Me, that she couldn't imagine that I would ever take her needs for granted.<br />
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That kind of mutual respect, trust and love is rare, and I would strongly recommend to others who are curious about this Lifestyle: USE SAFE WORDS!<br />
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A word on safe words, though. As a Dom, be cautious of the sub who 'over-uses' the word... they are possibly topping, even if unintentionally. And once the safe word has been breached in this manner, the trust is damaged. A well-established scene with a deep understanding of your partner's desires can prevent this type of safe word abuse, so open communication is crucial.