I Keep Running Into The Wrong People

My apologies if my thoughts are a bit scattered. I haven't posted to a blog/board in ages. The desire fluxuates, but for as long as I've been sexual active, I've had an interest in D/s-- specifically submission. However, it seems I keep running into other submissive personalities. With my very first partner, I always found myself wanting him to be more assertive and really take control. I would hint at it, but he just wouldn't go there. With a girlfriend later, I wanted her to do the same thing, but it turns out she really enjoyed it when *I* was dominant. We had fun together, but I didn't lose the desire to surrender to someone else.

I did encounter one partner whom I thought was going to be at least a little dominant, but I never figured out what it was that made him shy away from "topping" once we actually started having sex. Whenever we talked about sex, the conversation always drifted to what he would do to me if I was a "good girl," or bad one, enticing threats (promises) to spank me and such. I loved our verbal foreplay! But then we'd physically get together and it was like all of that was never said. It was so frustrating!

Then this last boyfriend (we broke up a year ago) was a bit like the ex-girlfriend and preferred it when I was a bit assertive. He almost had a heart attack when he saw an invoice of an online order I made which had the cutest little nipple clamps on it. (Silver with little bells.) He thought they were for him, but when I clarified they were for me, he still had no interest in them.

Is it me? Why does it seem so hard to find someone who is my sexual dominant? In everyday life, I suppose one could say I have a bit of a strong personality. I'm in management at work, the motherly one amongst friends, and don't believe in letting people run over me, but in relationships, in *sexual* relationships I want to be able to give myself over to my partner.

How do I go about finding this? I can't ask someone on the first date, "so...how do you feel about tying people up and spanking them?" Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way? Help...
Babblesmuch Babblesmuch
31-35, F
3 Responses Jul 22, 2011

Thanks guys for the advice and web references. It makes sense to be upfront about it instead of worrying about varying reactions. Cut lose the incompatible ones before any emotional investment is made, or else it will end up as hard to do as past experiences have shown. Seems like common sense. If only I didn't overthink things so much..

Overthinking in this lifestyle is not a bad thing. What creates the problem is when you don't listen to that internal voice telling you something is wrong then trying to overthink that and ignoring it.

As crazy as this sounds, this is what I do when I have something on my mind I am overthinking.
I think about it as I am going to sleep. I swear on all that is holy on an angel that nine times out of ten, I have the answer or solution when I roll out of bed the next morning.

Let me give you a silly example.
Some months back when my son told me his wedding date something in me told me the date meant something to me. I overthought it for a few days. Then finally I went to bed thinking about it. It was driving me nuts as to why this date was bugging me. And I could not figure if it was good or bad. The next morning as I literally stood up from the bed it hit me.
The date they picked was the date I met my husband for the first time. Yes, I have opted to not tell the son. Figured it might irritate his fiance more than I already do that they are getting married on the anniversary of our first meeting. HAHAHAHAHA!

Afraid so. The main problem isn't going to be actually finding a Dominant. It will be finding one that actually is decent, truthful and forthright with teaching and/or learning as you both learn to together.

Welcome to the Insanity of attempting to find a Domimant Babbles!<br />
<br />
fetlife.com & local groups seem to be the way of late. Just use a lot of common sense and listen to that inner voice when it is warning you.

A little bird told me that the problem is not uncommon. This is going to be one of life's little adventures, isn't it?