Ending a D/s Relationship

Is a dominant still a dominant if they cannot offer honesty and respect to a submissive - if the very basis of this lifestyle is meant to be trust, respect and honesty then isn't that something that both a Dom and sub should expect at all times....isn't it the very least that any human being deserves.

I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that how a Dom ends a relationship says more about him as both a Dom and as a man than anything else ever could. So many Doms think that ending a D/s relationship is the same as ending a vanilla relationship - they understand little about the psychology of submission. Whatever stage a relationship gets to if there has been any degree of submission then the sub has given a part of herself to him and to just walk away and lie about your reasons for ending the relationship is nothing short of abandonment.

No matter what a Dom says about why a relationship ends - whatever lie he tells himself will ease the pain for the sub - she will assume all of the blame...it is the nature of a submissive. Her aim has been to please her Dom - the fact that he has left her means, to her mind, that she has failed in some way - and she will question everything about herself in an effort to figure out what it was that caused her to fail. Very often if she has insecurities - however unfounded - she will assume that it is one of those flaws that have caused the ending....it reinforces all of her insecurities....if a sub was good enough to call his at any stage then a Dom should not in one fell swoop discard her and cause her to question everything about herself - perhaps even her ability to submit.

Flugelblues Flugelblues
31-35, F
41 Responses May 5, 2008

I just had this happen to me. He discarded me like a toy he was done with. I question everything about Him and myself now. But the worst part is I still want Him back. He is not what I truly want but I ache to be kneeling for Him, again. There are times I HATE being submissive.

I am new to d/s lifestyle and have a dilemma. I have found a Dom I truely feel comfortable with. We talked for a while..met few times...and I have done the reading and research he asked me too. But we have encountered many obstacles that have prevented us from moving forward. It has led to me feeling frustrated and unsure about so much and not getting much feedback yet I understand why. First my Dom was sick and hospitalized..now his father is hospitalized and not doing well.. All the info I have...in the middle of all this on a good day..he did tell me I am his sub in training and I belong to him. I have not felt as good as I did in that moment for many years. I feel it is my place and where I belong. With all that is going on with sir..I understand why he is not talking much to me but he does say he will make time and never seems to happen. I am trying to be patient. I fear he is going to one day just say he doesn't have time even though it was him who brought me to this point.. I will be crushed so I try to sit back and wait. Is this right thing to do?

Sounds like both parties are to blame here. Just because you are submissive does not mean you aren't allowed to love yourself first! Placing your value as a person in the hands of someone else will just set you up for failure. Yes your Dom might have very well been a douche but you need to understand no one else but you is responsible for how you feel about yourself. If he really was that much of a tool, then you are better off without him. Don't be a victim.

Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect: The Dom is always responsible for makes this transition a smooth as possible.

Your view on D/s relation is a cute one.
If the sub is to blame for anything, than the dom never has been a dom.
At his best, he has been a little sadist with some sextoys.
Subs draw the line, the dom has to drive the lawnmower to cut the grass as close to that line as possible. Given the relationship is consentual.
Subs don't have reliabilities in that regard. You have to take a ***** the whole day or stand for 15 minutes on one leg in bucket full of ****, whatever your thing is und if you failed at that the consequences are a couple of strokes.
Accept you had an idiot as dom, blame yourself for that if you want to. But for nothing else.

I know this is an old thread, but I just wanted to respond to the "being too sensitive to be in this type of a relationship" thought. I am an incredibly sensitive person, who is coming from a history of abuse, both physical and emotional. I am now in a D/s relationship and have never ever in my life felt more safe and secure than I do in it, and in knowing that I belong to Him. He is never cruel. He pushes my boundaries, He makes me do things that I have never been comfortable doing before, but He always rewards me and makes sure I know how much I mean to Him. He treats me with love and respect, but also as His and His alone, and I crave Him so strongly. And love love love belonging to Him. So being sensitive is not a barrier to this kind of relationship. But being discerning and careful in entering into one is so very important. Not jumping into the first opportunity, but carefully getting to know one another first. I cannot imagine a more fulfilling thing than being in a D/s relationship with the right Master. Or a more terrible thing than being in one with the wrong one. Just my thoughts. Wanted to share that there are amazing Doms out there - and as a precious worthy and worthwhile pet, do not settle for one who does not take the responsibility seriously.

A very good story, and even better responses. Thank you all.

Thank you Satalite and EP user for your support. EP user....in getting to know the D, does this mean no play at all? Was five weeks too short of a time? It is just that D/s has such a strong sexual component....how do you establish if you will be compatible if you do not add this into the mix? I would like to try to find someone new. I refuse to let this defeat me. But I need some guidance this time. Any help you could give would be gratefully received. I do have access to other Ds, but I have no subs to talk to. Having access to some female subs would help enormously. I have so many questions. Thank you again!

Shannie I am not sure who you mean by "EP user" but maybe I can offer some ideas. It depends on what YOU want from a D/s relationship and if you want fun in the bedroom or a power exchange, and if so, to what degree.

If it is more to you than sex, then I would personally not have any sexual play early on. What you want to establish in D/s is if you are a match, and that generally means more things than it does in a vanilla relationship: you want to discuss your hard limits, your philosophies, and see if you two connect.

I understand - believe me - what it is like to not have sexual play. It's hard! But EP is full of stories of people who rushed and got hurt mentally and physically. Plus, NOT having sex builds the tension which can be exquisite! If you click with someone mentally, 9/10 times the sex will be amazing. I really recommend that you focus on establishing a strong base to your relationship first.

It sounds like you have a bit of "sub frenzy". I'd recommend you check out EP member Sunnil, as she has many excellent writings on BDSM.

Hi Red Rubies,

For some reason your name did not show up on your first post and it just appeared as EP user. Thank you again for your reply. I will look up Sunnil, as " sub frenzy" sounds right. I very recently had this whole " awakening" relating to what I needed, and what I am, and now I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

I do understand what you mean about the anticipation being delicious. I love that part. So I will try to wait. Would you be willing to answer some more specific questions regarding this process? Or perhaps you know of a way that I may actually speak to an experienced submissive? If not, no worries, you have been a big help already. :)

You are welcome :) What I might suggest is typing up your story and posting it in a D/s group. That way you will get additional responses from people with varying experience and specific to you. Yes, if you have specific questions feel free to email me and I will help as much as I can :)

Thank you for your post. I am brand new in D/s. I connected with a D, spent 5 weeks building a relationship, and had our first scene last week. I have only had three lines of text from him since. The pain associated with finally submitting, after 25 years of repression, only to be immediately abandoned, is terrible. This is so, even very early in the relationship. I did not even know what was happening to me until another D helped me by explaining the psychological intricacies of all this. A little support from my own D would have gone a long way.

I'm sorry you went through that. Its possible that the person you were with really wasn't a Dom. They could have just been using that tittle and the lifestyle to their advantage. Believe me there are lots of those people out there. They have just enough knowledge to fool people into thinking they are what they say they are.

A real Dom would have been up front with you about possibly a consideration phase between the 2 of you. During that time either party can take a step back or end a D/s relationship. Consider it kind of the dating phase. That doesn't mean that he should have just disappeared on you. A D/s relationship should be based on trust and obviously that person was not trustworthy. They were just using you. I hope you can get past this and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Best of luck to you.

Shannie, 5 weeks isn't very long at all... you are really just getting to know a person. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for that length of time. Building a strong base is so very important. I'm sorry this person has not contacted you since your scene; any man can call himself a Dom but unfortunately only a small few can actually rise to the occasion.

Sorry there wasn't a "like" for this RedRubies. So I guess I just have to say I liked what you had to say :)

Just wanted to add:

A D/s relationship should be something special. Unfortunately sometimes its still just about a couple. And sometimes one of those people lets the other one down. :(

LOL... I wish there was too because I'd "like" what you just said too! ;-)

You are so right that it really is sometimes "just about a couple" Satalite. Sometimes things just don't work out. (This doesn't excuse the person from barely contacting you after a scene, Shannie, but it's something to think about)

I've had scenes with people other then a current partner and depending on the scenes sometimes aftercare could last days. Maybe that aftercare isn't sitting with the person for multiple days but it can include checking in on them. Especially with a new person who might have just had his/her's first scene. Emotions can wash over that person days after the event. I always check on play partners a few days after as they may not have anyone else they can talk to it about.

You're a good guy Satalite; you have a kind soul. ;-) I am trying to hold back on what I really think (it's painful) about a Dom that barely checks up on a sub after her first scene... *faints from the effort*

I know me too. I kind of like the Leathermen philosophy that you can't be a Dom without serving first. We would weed a lot of so called Doms out if we could do that. They would learn first hand why a submissive needs to be respected for what they offer.

Either that or we need to put bad doms in a paddle line. :)

4 More Responses

I have had for the first time D/s relationship and was like enlightenment. I'm so submissive, this was my real path for the first time. I felt I have the first boy friend. But my Dom in the last weeks went cold, so I have ended. He said he does not want to have ties. I was very unpossesive, just submissive. Now I am in a trouble. Because I cannot have another man in BDSM community, this is end of my submission to him. Yet, I cannot live without BDSM. I am wondering what is wrong with me, but also, what is wrong with him, is he a real Dom? A.

Thank you so much for this post. It's very enlightening.

this really got to me...thank you. and hugs.

I'm glad things have worked out for you. I'll say that I don't have a lot of respect for either party that chooses not be honest, upfront and genuine about how they feel. <br />
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Honesty is so key in D/s. That being said, a Dom of all people should know his sub and be able to give her honesty and respect if he's not happy in the relationship and wants to end it. Easy? Not for anyone, but a Dom should have the strength to be able to handle this, as well as the integrity. It's pretty cruel if a sub is left hanging, especially due to the sensitive dynamics of a D/s relationship, as you've pointed out.<br />
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Choose your partner wisely... I can't say this enough.

how would you suggest that a sub break things off with her online dom?

You know your Dom best. Be honest, kind and upfront, the same as you would want if you were in the same situation.

Thank you all for these comments... especially that the break up part of the D/s experience, even as known to all but the few cinderella's out there, is not so often spoken about.<br />
I've been struggling with my D/s breakup for the last year and a half. More or less as long qs it had lasted. Obviously, my vanilla environment does not really get why it's been taking me so long to get over my reclusive boyfriend...<br />
And just maybe I'm finally getting there, but it's been a nightmare of missing, longing, selfdoubt, just fighting to get through (which I did quite well after all, thanks all to myself) and really trouble imagining myself loving anybody ever again in this lifetime. Assuming anybody would want me to.<br />
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Now I wonder what a Dom could actually do to let a sub go in an easier way. Does someone know? Mine definitely did an effort, even if it was pitifully inadequate. But then, I'm a proud woman, I sort of refused to show him how he devastated me. <br />
Stil.... can someone tell me how this agony can be prevented, to some degree? I can't imagine going through that again at some point.... thank you....

Thank you so much for sharing this. For 6 months I have been struggling to understand why I felt such a great sense of loss after this partner left, when always before I was able to move on fairly quickly. That was my only experience with a D/S relationship and I have been struggling ever since to deal with the emotional fallout of feeling abandoned. To find out that perhaps I was not over-reacting has been the biggest blessing.

Thanks for sharing this...I think it is so true. I had it happen to me...I was devastated. A D/s relationship is very intricate. A Dom should never just walk away from its sub. Very devastating if there is not proper closer. When there is such trust and respect as this type of relationship requires...than we must trust that our Dom will not just abandon us so easily. I hope you realize in the end it wasn't you that was lacking but your Dom was lacking. I wish you all the best in your future relationship:)))

Thank you all for your comment - and apologies for not responding sooner!! QueenofDragons - I am now very happily owned by a wonderful Dom and have never been happier :)

The first Dom I had was wonderful in the beginning and had me doing all he asked but then an email came out of the blue saying he found someone else,...that was the last I heard and was amazed to find how upset it made me.... hes still floating around EP and I dare not seek him out but it took me years to come back to EP because of it.

I have had this happen to me in reverse. I am the Dominant one and yet I kept feeling somehow I was responsible. I think no matter what side of the flogger we are on, women tend to always take on that role of being responsible for others feelings and needs.

Thank you Miss V. I have moved on from this experience - but it was very difficult. Thankfully it did not deter me from seeinking another D/s relationship but I do hope that others find my story helpful.

Thank you for sharing your story, I just joined EP today, & have had a similar experience. I wasnt going to write anything here, I am really private, but I am really glad you shared yours, helped to know I'm not alone. It was my first D/S experience & I wasnt prepared for the amount of emotion involved!! Beginning to end! It was amazing, glorious, and ROUGH! You are absolutely right that a sub will blame themselves & feel unworthy of love.

Canecutter - you are right...a Dom has to be able to admit that he isnt perfect. He has to be caring as well as strict and fair. A sub cannot serve when she feels unloved! And your special treat sounds great! :-)

I am not an expert...by any means. I have had a couple of extrodinay D/s relationships. It has been over a decade though. Honestly, it has been the women sub's who made them extrodinary...i was lucky enough to grow into a decent dom.<br />
Being submissive=being very vulnerable. It is a gift...that should not be given untill earned. Respect and trust can not be demanded....they have to be earned. I think for most men DD is mostly about sex...especially in the begining. It was for me as well....but i actually stumbled upon being honest about it with my sub....from that we decided to talk about all...and i mean all of our expectations....desires...secrets...nothing was off limits....from that came mutual trust and respect. The more freedom i encouraged...the freer she became to submit....counterintuitive.<br />
To deny the heightened sexual energy of a DD relationship is to deny reality. <br />
FluegBlues, i sincerely feel sad that you are in pain. With the utmost respect and encouragement i would tell you that you are not a victim.

It is so true - I have tried to be in vanilla relationships - I have tried to explain that I needed a profound mental connection - and that I needed a very deep level of trust and while he agreed to work towards that it was completely beyond him - he just never understood what I wanted and needed.<br />
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I find it sad when I hear of Doms that are behaving in such a way - placing all the blame on their submissives when the reality is probably that they are unhappy with how things are going and want to end the relationship. While that is going to be upsetting for the submissive it is a greater sign of respect from the Dom to simply be honest and say that they want to end things. Submissives tend to take all of the blame when their Dom is telling them it is their fault.<br />
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It is normal to miss your Dom - I have had Doms since my first and I still miss him so much - my current Dom understands this as he still misses his past slaves in some way. You have shared a very intimate part of yourself with these people and even once all of the romantic feeling is lost it is difficult to sever that connection.

"Maybe some of us are in these relationships without ever defining it as such."<br />
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You are quite right alluneedisluv! That's how it was with me. I didn't know there was an actual name for our lifestyle and community of people who partake in it until it was over.<br />
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In general... I would like to update. It has now been over 5 months since my relationship ended. I still cry, and the pain is still quite difficult to deal with at times. I have been banned from drinking... because I inevitably end the night crying on the floor and punching people, as the only person I can think of is my Dom, and how much I miss him.<br />
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Since then, I entered a vanilla relationship, quite certain that I was incapable of giving myself to another person in that way again. It's not as fulfilling. I often find myself missing my Dom and regretting that I entered a vanilla relationship, because he simply can't understand when I try to explain that element that is lacking and necessary for my happiness. <br />
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I think you have to be a Dom or a sub to truly understand the difference.

I was in a brief relationship with someone I didn't know was looking for a d/s relationship until after it ended! (quickly, with no explanation other than a bogus one; no conversation or process). I felt that we had shared profound mental intimacy about flaws, the "secret self" in a way that made me feel deeply accepted and known, especially for knowing this man for such a short time. He began the relationship by saying "I have been waiting for you all my life" ~ I doubted that, but after a while, thought, well maybe?! I was encouraged to reveal and made to feel safe , unconditionally ... until I wasn't any longer. I felt things deteriorating, asked and he denied this. I am all about being honest and he began to be deceptive and deny things placing the blame on me for not trusting him as if this were a weakness of mine ~ all designed to make me doubt my own reality. Well, I didn't and I don't, yet I have felt haunted by this ending and by the power that the relationship had. So I am led to a new understanding of what a d/s relationship can mean aside from the stereotypes. "Looking for "FrienD/s" ... Otherwise sane and normal guy ... "I never understood what that meant until I googled d/s ... You see, I am a pretty smart cookie (about that he was right) and this is pretty interesting stuff. Maybe some of us are in these relationships without ever defining it as such. Flugelblues, no one who accepts that kind of power should drop the ball like that. <br />
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Ummm...were we seeing the SAME guy?! Lol Too familiar!

I am a sub who was also recently dumped by my Dom, and without any explanation in a very cruel way. <br><br />
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Some people have commented here who truly have no understanding of a D/s relationship... and having had break-ups from vanilla relationships as well as a D/s relationship... I can vouch that the pain of being dumped in a D/s is virtually unbearable. There is NO comparison... because you have trusted and invested and given yourself so completely to one person and had that trust shattered. And it's SO infuriating for people from vanilla relationships to give you advice about just keeping yourself busy and moving on. Sure, these things help, but the level of pain is so much greater that it's simply patronizing to suggest such things. You literally lose your sense of identity. <br><br />
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My breakup was 2 months ago, and I still miss him so much I can hardly stand it. I miss the safety and security of being in his arms most of all. (Yes, vanilla people.... our Doms protect us more than anything else). I desperately want to get into another D/s relationship... but I'm very scared. <br><br />
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Oh... and another thing... people (mostly on message boards where they only knew one post from me, not me as a person), would call me "needy" and say some pretty awful things. I am the most independent, self sufficient, and capable person I know. I don't love my Dom because I need him... I need him because I love him! Love and trust come before submission.

Thank you both. I havent given up - I know that I am submissive and I know that this is the only relationship that will make me happy...and it is worth the search.

Hey Flugel, I hear your pain and really understand your thought process. As someone who is in a D/s relationship, I agree. A Dom should be more sensitive to his sub's thinking and what she will feel if and when the relationship needs to change. I would think as an open and honest link should be part of the relationship then open dialogue should be too. There are many ways to end even a vanilla relationship and certainly better ways then to lie and walk away. I would think in my relationship if myself or my sub had issues we would discuss it and decide what is best. I hope you haven't given up finding a new Dom that will cherish you properly.

Where to start?<br />
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goldie25, a true Dom is not in a relationship to be served, but to serve; to commit to taking a sub under his care and guiding her, helping her to grow in self-love. Rough sex and D/s sometimes overlap, but not always. I know some folks in D/s relationships whose sex play has never been other than sweet and loving.<br />
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bquick, I don't want to agree that as a general rule, the sub has put more into the relationship than the Dom. I fear that in many cases, you are right, but that's not the way a good D/s relationship should work.<br />
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Neko, you hit it spot on. Just as aftercare is critical at the end of a scene, it is even more critical at the end of a relationship.<br />
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Flugelblues, I am sorry to learn that you went through this. You raise points that every Dom, and sub, need to consider and remind themselves of. The nature of our relationships makes the best of them emotionally deeper-rooted than vanilla relationships, however intense a vanilla love might be, and with that comes greater responsibilities, on both sides, than in any vanilla relationship. In true D/s relationships, we take each others lives in our hands, not just in play, but in our emotional care. I have witnessed lives lost, and other lives shattered forever, when this is forgotten.

Thank you Neko....it is refreshing to hear a dominant that can understand that they do have a responsibility...i know some feeling of abandonment cannot be avoided but expecting a sub to go from being completely dominated to nothing is just cruelty!!

Goldie - a true Dom shuld never just walk out on a relationship - he can end it - but it should be done properly and with care...unfortunately there are so many men involved in D/s that are just not really Dom.<br />
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Thank you bquick.

Flugel, I was going to put in something to make you feel better, but it looks like you figured it out on your own! Here's hoping you find a GOOD master to care for you, and that you can take care of.

Yes the sub put more into the relationship than the partner...she or he has submitted whole heartedly... I see why they would take off of the blame they have been actually programed too...good luck FlugelBlues

this doesn't suprise me. i would think a dom would be even quicker to just up and go because the whole relationship seems more self fulling for the dom anyways. he knows he is in it to get served and get what he wants its all about him why wouldn't he come and go how he pleases. i love you girl but i think you are too sensitive to be in this type of relationship. why not just get a good guy who likes to play rough sometimes. not a rough dom guy. we set ourselves up for failure sometimes.

I think your applies to all relationshipss, although I can't comment specifically about D/s relationships.<br />
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I think any relationship not ended honestly wil have the outcomes you describe FB.<br />
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I wish you luck :)

:) <br />
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Dont be too long!!!!

Hey, sad stuff here. Find a cheerful activity and do it! At least until I can get back some privileges on the computer.<br />
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TTYL<br />
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Thank you BD....I am always happy when someone can take something from one of my stories.

Thank you Sun! xxx

I am ok - I guess since the break-up of my last D/s relationship it is something that I have been contemplating a lot - I really believe that a D/s relationship shouldnt be ended in the same way a vanilla relationship should be ended...and so many Doms believe that it can - they don't understand the psychology of submission and end up abandoning submissives.<br />
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It is harder to deal with the break-up of a D/s relationship than it is a vanilla relationship - it is often made worse by so called 'Doms' just walking away and not being honest about what went wrong.

um are you ok sweetie? not sure how to take this are you breaking up with someone??? or is this just hypothetical?