D/s Relationships and Personal Responsibility

Everyone knows someone who has had a horrifying dating/relationship story, and while our sympathies are extended in most cases, at times we do a face palm as and ask, “What the hell? How could you have let this happen??"

Ok, so you don’t think this. But I do. (You should pity me for having to live with the continual soundtrack of such malevolent and torturous thoughts.)

I am in fact referring to online D/s relationships, and in this case, ones I’ve observed while on EP. I’ve written a variation of this before (my fake Doms story), but need to bring it up again because a) I’ve had a few glasses of really good wine and b) there seems to have been an abrupt opening in the collective fucktard vortex that has siphoned individuals of questionable provenance onto EP. THANKS UNIVERSE.

But today, my focus is not on the “Big bad Doms” but on the submissives who take no care in regards to who they interact with, or who they submit to. I’ve seen a stunning number of women join EP, claim to be submissive, and then literally a week later they are serving a new “Master/Dom” who they have exchanged two or three messages with. They send nude pics, have sex on cam, and three weeks later, there is the inevitable “I was screwed over!” story posted.

Ladies, you are responsible for who you give your submission to. We ALL make relationship mistakes but some of the things I’ve seen people do here make me weep, and many things are downright dangerous. All this rubbish sullies the purity of true D/s relationships. So….some basic tips:

• If you think you have submissive tendencies, great. READ READ READ about D/s and BDSM and see if aspects of it resonate with you. Know what you are getting into. Liking a spank in the bedroom does not make you a submissive. Check out books like SM 101 by Jay Wiseman (Thanks Sunnil)
• There are some bad people out there in cyberspace. Do not send nude pics to someone you don’t know. This WILL come back to bite you in the ***.
• If something feels wrong, trust your instincts. Take a step back.
• Ask questions; find out what the person you are chatting with is all about. A good Dom will do everything he can to make you feel safe and establish a foundation of trust

Nobody is bulletproof when it comes to entering a relationship, but one CAN take heed of the almost biblical signs of oncoming catastrophe by following common sense. Be choosy and remember: you get what you settle for.

And that is the end of my dirge for this evening ;-)

RedRubies RedRubies
36-40, F
19 Responses May 18, 2012

oh w ow you hit the nail on the head with that information..

AND...just because a man (or a woman) might have read 50 shades, it does not make him/her a bona fide Dom or a trust keeper online or otherwise.

D/s relationships vary in unlimited ways, but the telling gut instinct of someone who makes you feel truly safe and protected is the first thing to look for in exploring a submissive role. It's one thing to roleplay or Scene with someone for a quick thrill or online fun, but if it's going to transfer into a Real Life D/s relationship or even exploration, you must trust your own instincts, always!

If you cannot, then you are possibly endangering yourself mentally and even physically, and it might be best to steer clear of such deep waters.

D/s relationships can be exhilarating, intoxicating and make you feel like nothing else, but be prepared to pay a high cost if/when it dissolves.

Exactly my dear M, every well learned lesson in my life has come from my own mistakes, even the ones I've committed on purpose lol!

LOL SafeandBound, don't get me started on 50 shades...

Instinct is so important and I think we have a tendency to ignore for fear of offending people, etc. I agree with everything you stated.

Perfect! LOL I can understand the eagerness of submissives to be submerged, and Doms to think they want 'pushovers' so that they can begin. But it's always the painstaking groundwork that makes things properly satisfactory. (No denying though that making mistakes is a way to learn

The more work they put in the less likely they are to want to go... but there are always exceptions


Aww thanks Damsel! I agree with you too!

wow so this what people respond to. Also, the 'contract' seems to be completely misunderstood even by people who seem to think they live this lifestyle.
I am not into this lifestyle, but i like understanding the way people live and why they choose to do the things they do and so i have read much and not just from an abstract level, but also from firsthand accounts of people not in cyber-fantasy land.

I'm not sure what you mean by "the contract seems to be completely misunderstood" but contracts are a personal thing, so if you choose to make one, strong communication is essential.

ah well i mean that is the basic misguided notion well i guess maybe its not b/c nobody seems to follow anything anymore except as a "personal thing" or better yet a personally convenient thing.

D/s is quite personal. There is nothing a person "has" to do; it is between the people involved. If there is misunderstanding regarding contracts, then improving communication is in order.

One of the problems I see is that people sometimes DO follow along. They are told "this is what a Dom does" so they behave that way, or do that thing. Others listen to "this is what a sub does" and make the equal error of behaving a certain way or doing a particular thing.

While the overall behaviours of others can feel liberating and help to expand one's horizons, it is vital to remain grounded. That means being willing to experiment SAFELY and being honest with oneself about whether one actually LIKES doing something. If it feels 'dirty' then don't worry about it but if it feels 'wrong' then don't do it!

A good point Interes. I think that is why it is so important to find a good match in this type of relationship and not rush things. A Dom should push your limits but also understand what you LIKE.... and a sub shouldn't feel pressured to do something "wrong" just because a person calls themselves a Dom/Domme.

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Well said. I see far too many hormonally-driven women behaving more like naive teenagers than competent adults.

Your advice is very good. I hope that at least a few women pay attention and spend the time and thought to find the right master or owner.

Thank you Interesdom. It is so important to find the right match, rather than the "right now" :-)

OH my but what will all the wannabes do?
If the dumb bunnies (as opposed to us kumbunnies) stop being so dumb there will be
a massive drop in tissue sales!
and the source of amusement reading letters from these dim bulbs will dry up.
What about that old adage "You gotta kiss a lot of frogs"

There's no harm kissing a lot of frogs. Just don't expect to ever find a prince and don't submit to the frog until you have checked what it turned into after being kissed!

Psssst.... it's good to get checked before you kiss too! ;-P

I am new to this site and this is one of the first things that I have read on here, oh how true your words are. I'm lucky that, although I consider myself new to this lifestyle and still have so much to learn the man who has taken me under his wing is my best friend. It has been such a thrilling and fulfilling adventure to be able to have someone who knows me so well on a personal level be able to Dominate me in so many ways. Giving your submission to a Dom is as precious as giving your virginity. Don't do it lightly.

Thank you and welcome to EP ;-) You are right: submission should not be given easily. Part of the fun is finding that perfect match and having that "Yessss!" moment. I am very happy that you have a guide you can trust.

"fucktard vortex" - oh man that made me laugh. You are an excellent writer.

Haha.. I'm really not! But thank you glad you laughed :)

You are so wise my dear! Of course this applies in any relationship. eyes wide open please!

Thanks sweet friend! It's common sense but sometimes that type of sense is not particularly common ;-)

No it's not! Amazing isn't it. We think to much with our hormonal driven fantasies than we do with grey matter!

When ones subnits to a Dom, they make a dom responsible for their pleasure. FOr one to give you pleasure, he needs to know you, desire toplease, read your moods and changing desires and respond to them. To make the decisions effecting you, he needs to really know you. For you to give that, you need to have a trust which has been earned by him. A days play for fun is easy. But a true relationship, even an onl;ine takes a dom willing to give the time to lead you in way that will give you the most pleasure. He needs to understand you better than you know yourself so he can lead in to new areas that will be exciting for you. Yes, you can submot and then lay back and enjoy his dominance. But before you can do that, you have to do your part. And if he does not take that responisibility, then he is a man playign games, Since he knows his game, you wil probably be the one to lose.

Well said demorcan... I agree :)

people can act like such douche bags.

Short and sweet Melody...lol... so very true

Which I find so convenient when I need a good douche! Portable-disposable

If you do not mind my dear....I am going to send you an add request...I like your blunt honesty and ...your REAL words of advice...and this is a great post...thanks for the reading suggestions !

I shall wait for it! ;-)

you should drink more wine.... lol. great post. no need to comment more, maybe we should all read your post 10 times everyday. btw, i'm a cuck, my wife is sub.

haha... love this... yes.. any excuse to have more wine ;-)

As always Another extremely well written post from you.

Aww thanks Pent :)

This is soooooo true. I learned this the hard way. When I first realized my desire to be spanked I told my then current boyfriend. He was nervous about it at first, but everything he was doing was right on par for what i wanted BUT it then quickly turned to abuse. He would do whatever he wanted to me, even though he knew I didn't want to and he knew these things wayyy before I even told him about D/s and spanking. I also didn't realize how much he drank and took pills and when he drank and took pills on the same night it was horrendous. It took me years to get out of that relationship. I think part of it was that I wanted to explore my new found desire, which is fine, but the reason I allowed him to continue even though it turned abusive was because I had such low self esteem and I thought I deserved it. I have now developed a clearer understanding of my self, my wants, my desires AND my limitations ( as well as how to verbalize this to another). I also only introduce the erotica side of D/s after I have known the person and there are limitations until I really know the person. Then after I feel that I've known them for a while and I feel that i can trust them I let go of some of my limitations and also start to introduce my desire for TIH. You are one smart lady Redrubies and I thank you for putting this brilliant advice out there!

Oh wow what a experience for you! When substance abuse is involved it changes everything...particularly for a Dom as if he is not in control how can he lead you? I'm glad you got out ok and know yourself much better and have gained strength. Thanks for the comment :)

Perfectly said darling, as ever. <3<br />
<br />
*sidesteps fucktard vortex*

Thank you love! (I'd have pulled you aside before you were pulled in, don't worry!)

The measure of a true friendship. ;D

I will drink to that... ;-)

Awwwww. *tickles Beau* ;)

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"A good Dom will do everything he can to make you feel safe and establish a foundation of trust"<br />
<br />
My friends know that while I'm naturally dominant, I'm not literally a dom (but I play one on TV)<br />
<br />
This statement however is one that rings most true to me. I get freaked out when women submit to me before they even know me. But, when a woman chooses to submit after I've gained her trust... this is a beautiful thing indeed.

lol... "I only play one on TV". Yes.. I never though of it freaking a guy out as well in that way... it's true!

Even if we meet someone whom we instinctively trust, there should still be some natural hesitation.

Great advice Red. I have read and spoke to several Doms and your advice echoes what they have all told me as well. Hopefully more people will take your advice and know who and what they are dealing with before they jump in head first. <br />
<br />
And I am so very impressed with your use of vocabulary, especially after some wine. I wouldn't be able to string two words together and you come up with this.........Fucktard Vortex is an amazing phrase that I may have to steal from you as well<br />
<br />

jacee that phrase TOTALLY needs to show up in one of your famous "status" sayings!! :D

I'll see if I can find one where it fits perfectly

Thanks Jaycee! Ahaha... oh my vocabulary turns quite biting after a few drinks! ;-)

mine turns to gibberish lol

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*STANDING OVATION* for the "wine rant" You always say what I think....You just say it wayyyy better then I think it....even after some wine! Kudos and MORE Kudos for this! <br />
The book you recommended ROCKS too! <br />
<br />
I'm totally gonna steal, "Fucktard Vortex" too! That just ROCKED my whole darn day!! :D

Hahah... I'm so glad you liked it! (Oh yes the wine helped). Steal away love! XOX

I didn't just like... it I LOVED it!! ♥

*does happy dance*

*Dances with Ruby* Dancing is TOTALLY mah THANG!! :D *twirls ruby and then dips her!!* :D

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