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Sub Or Slave...

I identify as a lifestyle submissive...I do not identify as being a slave because while I want and like almost total control at times I know that I also need to have my freedom at times - to negotiate/discuss if i feel that too much is being asked of me and while i need to feel owned I like to know that I am more than just property.

My question for the subs/slaves is how did you decide which you were? I know that it was at times difficult for me to accept being submissive...for slaves - was giving up total control a difficult decision in the end? How difficult was that final acceptance for both subs and slaves?

And on the other side - for Masters/Doms...a lot is written about the difficulties of accepting that you are a submissive or a slave...are there similar issues associated with accepting that you are dominant?

Flugelblues Flugelblues 31-35, F 25 Responses Jun 2, 2008

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A sub and a slave can be the same thing. It depends on how you and your Dom view it. My Dom and I have a healthy relationship where we are equals. But when that dark sexy smile flicks across his face I know I better give in to what he wants or be punished. During those times he is my Master. When you are a submissive you have hard and soft limits, when you are a slave your master has complete access to all of your body. If you trust your Dom/Master enough to allow him complete access to everything and anything then give him opportunities to do so. It is possible to keep your soft and hard limits while every once in a while letting him have his way.

I am just starting to look into D/s and everything I have read leads more and more down this road. My question is how do you find a D when you live in a relatively small city.

I have to say that I identify most with being a submissive but do not for the same reasons as listed. My dominant is absolutely wonderful. He has helped me to become not only a better submissive, but a better woman. This is because we have an open line of communication and I put my complete and total trust in him and I agreed to fully submit to him. I do not argue or buck, as he calls it, when I am asked to perform a task. I know that he has only my best interests at heart and would never abuse the power which I have given to him over me. I desire to please and serve him in every way and i get so much joy from this. He pushes me to my limits and then some, and i have grown stronger because of this. I know that he would never do anything to truly hurt me. We have no secrets and I am completely vulnerable to him. I enjoy being owned by my Dom and I relish in the thought that I am his property and know that this is very special to him. There is no real negotiation between us because there does not need to be. I serve him as needed and he takes care of me in return. It is a beautiful thing and a strong bond that we have.

In the BDSM lifestyle, You have to be willing to forsake the rules and traditions of what others have tried to emply onto us. Most Dom/Sub relationships, are just role playing, a man takes the rights and wills from his slave/sub..Humiliating her/him no matter what, and while that is something they like and enjoy it isn't the whole of it. You have to have the connection,the love, the trust, understandings of each other, be one basically. You have to be willing to put someone elses needs and wants before your own, and that goes both ways. The sub/slave takes care of the Master/Daddy/Sir/Mistress/Goddess, they will take care of you. You listen to what is needed and demanded of you, and do them, then the Dom/Domme will listen and do for you.<br />
There is a difference between a Submissive and a Slave...Slaves are ******** from everything, rights and wills, to be just that a slave..A Submissive has rights and wills and limits, she/he can have a say in the matter. <br />
Men or Women for that matter should be aloud to voice opinions even tho they may not be heard. <br />
Being a Dom/Domme and being confused about it takes more time to come to terms with than it does for a sub/slave.<br />
They know they like to be in control but they don't know how far they are willing to go with it, who would be best suited for them, where to begin to even explore.

There is only one person I could be a slave for and it's only because I have known him my whole life. I was his slave even when I was very young and everyone kind of knew at any family gathering I was always next to him as we both grew older it just grew more intense. I know if something happened to him because I can totally say we won't ever break up. If he died or something I couldn't be anyone's slave. Only possibly a sub. I just knew I was his slave just like he knew he was my master there is a real intensity.

There is only one person I could be a slave for and it's only because I have known him my whole life. I was his slave even when I was very young and everyone kind of knew at any family gathering I was always next to him as we both grew older it just grew more intense. I know if something happened to him because I can totally say we won't ever break up. If he died or something I couldn't be anyone's slave. Only possibly a sub. I just knew I was his slave just like he knew he was my master there is a real intensity.

My Mistress is always looking out for my best interest. If she whips me, she knows and I know that she has had instructions and I am never (severely hurt) maybe a little blood here and there. Paddles and floggers are no problem with her, she is a super star.<br />
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In my mind, I love my Mistress more than anything on this earth and SHE WILL do ANYTHING that she desires, ANYTHING, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. Sometimes in her ba<x>sement,, sometime in the woods or whatever.

I'm new to this and have not been in a d/s relationship yet so i'm still thinking what would be most suitable for me. I don't even know what i can expect. I guess i'll let my dom list what he expects but i'll have to refuse what i definitively can't do, like wearing a collar in public because i have to consider my family who wouldn't understand no matter how much i'd try to explain it. If it would make him happier i'd be happy to give him some control over my personal life but i have a limit so i think i couldn't be a full time slave.<br />
But i'll be thinking for a while before i decide to do anything at all because i have read about a lot of subs who have gone through a very bad experience, so for now i'll be happy with talking to people who understand and finding out even more about it.

I have not yet been in a d/s relationship either, but very much want to...as a submissive, not a slave. It's hard to find an experienced Dom who you can trust 100%. I'm still looking.

my name is jan. i am owned, collard and branded by Master. i feel your confusion. for me, it was a match made in heaven. your needs must match those of your Dominant. you can not make demands. if you want Him to own you, that would imply a concent to allow Him. or Her, to decide pretty much what was good for you. otherwise your being a part time slave who is owned, which emplys by deffinition.. a full time commitment. ... the 24/7, owned, collared, slave isn't one who is part time .... my opinion is you will not be validated by contracting 24/7... that is a "lifestyle"... not a sexual proclivity alone. but if your Dominant is of like mind, who doesent mind asking your permission to dominate you.. well.. last time i checked it was pretty much a free country.. thank y/You all for this forem,, and parden my lack of education in spelling..

being in this position i went through that same thing for abut the first week. being a submissive was more for me cause i do have my life to lead. and i have more to do then just submit, like a job and that kind of thing, if you are thinking about being a slave you havr to have a lot of time on your hands and be willing to give up alot. and slaves also have mostly life partners. have you read on this at all?? that could help you and i ahve also spoken to my old dom about the slave life. the slave life seems much hard to live to me then it is to be a submissive, and also being a submissive you get to pick your own schedule and how oftn you do it. like i used to do it twice a month, and i have spoken to other who did it once a week.... like i said it deoends on the time and commitment you have to it.

being in this position i went through that same thing for abut the first week. being a submissive was more for me cause i do have my life to lead. and i have more to do then just submit, like a job and that kind of thing, if you are thinking about being a slave you havr to have a lot of time on your hands and be willing to give up alot. and slaves also have mostly life partners. have you read on this at all?? that could help you and i ahve also spoken to my old dom about the slave life. the slave life seems much hard to live to me then it is to be a submissive, and also being a submissive you get to pick your own schedule and how oftn you do it. like i used to do it twice a month, and i have spoken to other who did it once a week.... like i said it deoends on the time and commitment you have to it.

Hi Intel - I don't know anything about your specific situation so I cannot comment. Personally I think that it is more how the sub/slave is - how much control they want to give and how much they like to serve. Both get great pleasure from serving - I adore doing tasks for my Master, I love anticipating what he will need and I hope that a lot of the tasks I do complete for him are done almost without his knowledge - I want his life to be as smooth as possible. Everything should be where he expects it to be. Somedays trying to achieve that takes an hour and other days a lot longer - but it is always worth it.

I think the different is, How the D's are. I was dominanted by my mother for many years, but I also felt cared for in a lot of ways. Now I do the same for my wife, housework and taking care of things. But I do not get a thank you or a good job done and I feel more like a slave.

Oh yeah, interesting to see how many subs are female... It just reinforces my suspicions that I might be a girly man...

Well, I haven't actually submitted to anyone yet, but I definitely wouldn't want to be a slave. I'd be at the beck and call of my partner anyway, but complete slavery is giving up too much, I need to be able to protest... I also tend to like more mind games than physical play, although the two can intermingle a lot. My mind could be changed, but that's my current thoughts on the subject.

From my experience also the D/s lifestyle is mostly about the psychology of the relationship - the communication, trust and commitment. But for everyone it is different - everyone finds what works for themselves...there is no definitive answer!

To pureoheart88 - Mostly yes :) Again I am only sharing from my own experience and understanding so of course many will have varied concepts of this. But with a "true" Dom/sub relationship they are both very engaged in the actual relationship aspects and not just the fetish or sexual aspects. The sexual, scenes, etc are merely add-ons to the relationship which in most cases do indeed feed important points with each party. My opinions and scope come from not only training this for many years but also on my background as a psychologist. This is one thing that I found so interesting after talking with others in the lifestyle is that there are so many people who are simply ignorant of the psychological aspects behind the D/s lifestyle and therefore it is ignored completely. That will eventually tire that relationship and each person in it.

I think that in the scope of defining a sub or slave, one must first understand the true difference. Just as many people lump D/s and BDSM into the same thing, there is that misunderstand foundation of each.<br />
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As a Dom and sub this indeed focuses more on the relationship aspect. There is a understood synergy between both and the goals of each should be understood at the start of that relationship. The sub knows their place right off. In my experience, a slave who defines themselves as a sub is often doing so out of the craving for the "relationship" aspect and thus claims a title that does not fit. A slave is just that.....a slave.<br />
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When I do training, the first base that I cover is ensuring which of the 2 the student is. There are many ways to tell. Number 1 - You can look at simple, common sense aspects such as the desires of that person, i.e. I like being used in the most degrading of ways or the person wants to simply be a toy or ob<x>ject. These are typically not in the mindset of a true submissive. 2 - What is the overall energy and presentation of the person i.e. A sub is usual more grounded and focused on the role and relationship aspects with their Dom. Two totally diff approaches.<br />
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Communication is indeed a top priority in either type of relationship be it a D/s or M/s. The other important factor is that their is a balance of understanding between each party. A Dom seeking a sub is not going to be happy with a mere slave and the same applies to a Master or Mistress getting a sub. Both parties will perhaps find some pleasure in some areas, but overall it will typically go downhill as neither are being satisfied at the foundation of their desire. <br />
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My comment may have taken a few turns lol but I think you follow my point (still on coffee cup number 1)

How does one go about getting training from an experienced Dom as a sub? That's my dilemma. I have been in contact through email with a Dom and have learned a lot from him. 1st thing I learned is that I'm a true submissive. I have complete control over all aspects of my life, and being a submissive would be very liberating for me.

I am a slave and I knew because I was well educated and had upper-management positions I had control of everyone around me even as a child I was spoiled and indulged on everything I ever wanted, but I craved someone to put me in my place and make me serve him, and give up my power totally.<br />
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I got into to some not to disirable situations because I didn't understand what being a sub truely was but my master is so loving and at first, it was hard for me to always do what he wanted, and he would ask me to reflect why I was disobedient on certain issues and not others, and I needed to really think about this. <br />
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As my master and I grew closer and understood what we wanted from eachother is this relationship it made it easier for me to submit to him because I wanted to make my master happy because I have a deep love and affection for him and I never wanted to disappoint him.<br />
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This, is what is all about not s/m which is what I think the average person sees D/S. It may be that the person you were with was not the right person for you and you couldn't feel the love and deep trust you need for this relationship. I know that I am loved and I don't feel like a piece of property. There are a lot of rules to follow in my relationship with him and I am very careful to carry out my duties fully, and not out of fear but out of my complete love and adoration of my master. I always want to do what pleases him, even if it doesn't always please me.<br />
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Communication is important but obedience is sometimes more important.

I really agree with what you say there - a lot of people on the outside dont see this and tend to think that the dominant is abusing his power or that it is abusive...but when you meet the right Dominant it really is the most fulfilling of relationships.

I agree with all of the comments made so far: A True Dominant knows they have a great responsibility and gift when they accept a submissive or slave. The one who is owned should never wonder if their Dom is really looking out for their best interests. It is also a symbiotic relationship both are being rewarded by the very nature of this relationship of which hey both crave.

I agree - being heard (even in a D/s relationship) means that you are respected - your Dom doesn't always have to agree with you but you do need to know that he will always respect you and take your needs into consideration.

i've always felt like i needed someone htat could take control of my life....i feel like i needed it to live how i want to. and i definetly agree that u should be able to discuss things...even if u dont get ur way....its important to be able to get ur point across

Not at all, Oz...communication is key in any relationship - but probably moreso in D/s...a sub trusts her Dom with so much - he has control over her life - she has to trust that he will respect that and will not abuse his power...communicating needs and fears is paramount to the success of the relationship.

I think when a Dom knows and respects his sub then the demands are unlikely to be unreasonable - but there is always a need, in my opinion, for open communication...you never know what a sub will find too much - especially in new areas so these need to be discussed.