So You Wanna Live The Life?

I do not pretend to represent everyone and every taste so you may or may not agree with what I have posted. However from what I have learned in my life and from witnessing others in the lifestyle I feel that what I have posted is as true and real as can be.

OK so you've read the books (hopefully more than the 50 shades series) watched some videos, perhaps some **** and chatted on line. You are all tantalized (and horny) and want to jump into a 24/7 D/s lifestyle.
Perhaps you are thinking: "Christian Discipline" or "Domestic Discipline" or "Taken in Hand" or "BDSM" or "Master/slave" or "Daddy/babygirl" or "Mommy/babyboy" or any combination of these. First of all these are NOT synonyms for one another, they are very different lifestyles with similar characteristics. But whichever you choose you need to be real.
A Lifestyle is not fantasy. Look, I love Sci-Fi but I am not about to get bombarded with Gamma Radiation in the hope of gaining super powers. You know why? Because fiction is just that FICTION!! And books and **** and even chats on the lifestyle are FICTION. They glamorize extreme scenarios and present ideas that are not practical or realistic. In real life relationships (any) are complicated, require love and trust and yes compromise. There are ups and downs, good moments and bad. And Oh Yeah Belts and Crops and Whips and Hairbrushes and Straps and Canes and Tawses really really hurt not just "oooh thats sexy" hurt but real pain hurt.
That being said when you know what you are doing and go into it with eyes wide open, it is a pretty amazing way of life. The trick is "Eyes Wide Open". So I think there is a 3-step approach everyone should embrace.


This means really understand the role you are looking to live. Research more than internet stories and experiences. Chat with Real-Life Doms and Subs who have lived this relationship for some time. Look beyond the romance and hot sex and learn the day to day realities. Learn how opinions are received, how conflicts are resolved, how rules are made and enforced. Learn what is expected sexually and what is off limits. Learn how public are the roles. PUT DOWN 50 SHADES and recognize what is real.
Once you have researched the real life then begin to put together what will really work in your life. Yes it needs to turn you on, but it needs to be realistic and doable in your life. Sit down with your partner and talk, talk, talk. Work out what you both will bring to the relationship and what you expect from each other, how rules will be made and punishments delivered. By the way if you are a sub and your answer to this is "anything my master wants" snap out of it, grow up and start reading this story over again. A well thought out, well talked out, well written contract is essential (yes, even if you're married) to a smooth transition into the life. Please Please do not take this lightly!

If you paid very close attention to step 1 this should be a little easier. Living the role is getting past the fantasy and living it day by day. That means when you are sick, when you are tired, when you have kids, when you are at church, when the in-laws are over, when you are cleaning house or grocery shopping or at work, you are ALWAYS someones Dom or Sub and you act accordingly.
Your mindset in either role must be always "What is in the best interest of my love?" No matter your role, Their needs must always be your prime concern. In Real-life 24/7 loving relationships whether you are a Dom or sub you no longer live for yourself you live to fulfill the needs of your partner. In a 24/7 relationship Doms that get off on discarding the needs and Hard limits of subs are a very dangerous group.
Understand though that since you made a contract and defined your roles you now must live up to it. There will be a few days when you actually hate your role, uhm well too bad, push through it and live up to your role. You have someone who now depends on you and your role there are no vacation days allowed. Oh and if you are a sub Do Not abuse your safeword you will erode any respect your Dom has for you in a hurry. When you are in a scene truly be in that scene, give yourself over to it, let it wash over you and engulf you completely, allow it to transcend you to sexual heights. Look for new ways to tantalize, and sexually enthrall your partner. Embrace the good, bad, and indifferent parts of the life and make it your own. BECOME THE LIFE, LIVE THE LIFE.

Like any relationship there is a honeymoon period when two (or more??) enter the life. This is euphoric with lots and lots of spankings and Hot Hot sex. This is incredible and wonderful and sweet and hot and OMG!! But soon you have to go to work, the house needs cleaned, kids need to be readied for school, Dentists appointments need to be made, etc. In other words Real life creeps into you "red room of pain"LOL. This is when loving the life kicks in. Your life must Now revolve around your roles and you must live your role always.
When you have completely given your heart and soul to your new role something beyond that sexual hunger takes over. When every thought is you role the thought process gets easier and easier. Soon it's the only way you think. So to love the life you are not ashamed of it. In other words you are not living one way at home and another at the in-laws. Depending on where you live or what you do for a living discretion may be necessary. So No I am not necessarily advocating screaming your lifestyle from the roof tops. However, the way you speak, act and handle yourself should be evidence of your lifestyle no matter where you are. Embrace the raised eyebrows and whispers they are confirmation that you are doing it right.
Be Proud of your role, Be proud of what you do for your partner, Be proud to keep learning and getting better & better at your role. Work to be better everyday. When you feel this way the true sincere love for the life can't help but grow and grow. The respect and admiration you two have will swell in your hearts. Trust will replace apprehension.

Follow these 3 steps and you won't be "living the lifestyle" you will simply be living Your Life and loving (almost) every minute of it.

From what I have seen this is what really works. If you disagree that's fine but then you need to offer a better idea.

amysdaddy amysdaddy
41-45, M
21 Responses Jan 17, 2013

Great input.


Wow! What a great read. You really nailed it.

This was great. Thank you.

I have to say, the way you have portrayed the BDSM relationship - as a commitment and a lifestyle - is really no different to the relationships people have when not interested in such a thing. A dominant will get sick and so will a partner, regardless of their title in the relationship. Naturally one cannot expect another to be permanently in mode 24/7 because life happens in between. Having said that I have no doubt that there are people who manage this, but that should not mean the devotion of those who practice on anything less than a full-time basis are not serious about what they do - which brings me to my last point....

The thing with 50 Shades is that it highlights the ability to partake in BDSM within only a small portion of one's life. What I have found and personally believe is that with such preferences in modern society, expecting a person who is submissive in sex to go to work with that in mind is only going to cause problems for that person, especially if the submissive is in a leadership role (which I would not be surprised to find; people whose main life is opposite to the role they take on in sex, when considering those who are not enveloped in the lifestyle 24/7). Ultimately, privacy can be the difference between a person who takes part and one who holds back from the experience out of fear of exposure, which goes to your point about trust.

This should be required reading for anyone considering the lifestyle. Excellent Sir, Thank you

Thank you.

I enjoyed this writing, but please let me add:
In learning the role, you said, "understand the role you are looking to live." Perhaps I am looking at the baby steps, but I think a lot of people are attracted to a "role" before they have any self-awareness. I have asked people, "what is your design? what is your natural role? at what times in your life (vanilla or otherwise) did you feel like you were at your happiest? Recognize your purpose. Identify your strengths and weaknesses. "
Sir, I know I am adding what you already know, but submit this addition for those who might be very new.

Couldn't agree more thank you for your input

Oh...and also a big thank you that BOTH the Sub and the Dom should ask themselves, "what is in the best interest of my partner?" Too many times Doms are portrayed as harsh, uncaring, whip slashing partners who are cruel in their punishments. The lifestyle is not about punishment. That can be part of it but it is not something that has to be there. My feeling follows yours. Keep talking. Keep exploring. Keep respecting and living each other. thegirl

Thank you for such great honest advice. I have researched so much about this subject and it is so difficult to know what is real. Most stories are about punishment and can be very disturbing. Some punishments are quite severe for small infractions. Some women are spanked everyday and they feel the time afterward in their partners arms is worth it. Your advice is correct. This relationship is to be what you want and need as individuals and as a couple. My husband could not be so harsh to hit me with a cane and he says I have never been one that needed something so severe. I am a pleaser and a fixer in many ways so adopting the D/s relationship is not too difficult for me It has been confusing because after reading some of these stories, I have wondered if there was something wrong with us. It is what works for us both that counts. We may not be as intense as others, but we are happy and are continuing to explore options that compliment the both of us. Thank you for the good solid guidance! Thegirl

thank you. this put into perspective a lot of my issues and concerns. also gave me an outline 2 make future decisions by. thanks again...

I certainly don't disagree. From my own experience I would not hesitate to suggest more emphasis that both partners have real needs and both must have those needs met.

Yes I have personally felt that as long as both partners are concerned with the needs of the other than the relationship will be strong and lasting

I like your passion Amysdaddy... nicely done; your common sense is refreshing.

Thank You that's sweet

Awesome. I loved what you said, thank you!

I am so glad you liked it

Nicely said and thank you for sharing.

I am a sub at home and answer to my Husband who is my Master. I trust Him to take care of anything, lead, direct, and if indicated correct me. However, at work I am a "department lead" and need to take on strong leadership roles, including correcting poor actions and choices of others. Very few have choosen to question me on my personal relationship role outside of work.

It is truly amazing how many subs at home have such authoritative roles in their work life. But I firmly believe Subs make the best bosses since they have been on the receiving end of things

This has been informative. Thank you so very much. I will direct people to read this

You are too kind I am glad you enjoyed it

I liked reading your story and you make some great points..thank you. I recently read of a sub/slave on EP who has lived this lifestyle 24/7 with TPE since her teenage years, this is the only lifestyle she knows and believes in. It saddens me to read through her stories... that courts have frowned upon her chosen lifestyle and now she has lost custody of her children to her ex husband. Unfortunately I doubt that society will ever accept that a D/s relationship can be a healthy one. <br />
Learnt the role<br />
Loved the role.<br />
Lived the role....and she was judged so harshly :(

This Breaks My Heart!! Society needs to be educated better. This is cruel and wrong. I am So Sorry for her

OMG. What a fantastic post!!! This is so informative and so real and true. I can really relate to what you say. My Husband and I have been in the "lifestyle" (I hate that expression) since the Autumn of 2010 and it's been an emotional rollercoaster with many ups and downs but with the up's far out weighing the downs. What you said about 'embracing the raised eyebrows' really struck a chord with me - I care too much about what other people think but now after reading this I'm thinking... funny looks? Bring it on!! I will share this story with my husband. A submissive life has brought me a lot of peace and security already, I feel extremely optimistic for the future. Amy is a lucky lady. Thankyou so much for sharing! :o)

Thank you it feels good to know I am not the only one feeling this way :-)

I'm going to share this with my husband someday. This is perfect.

I hope so. I hope it helps him to understand a little bit about the real life. thanks

I appreciate your post and believe it provides helpful information and a good starting point. Thank you for posting it:-)

You are SO welcome it really is just the beginning but so many people skip the beginning and then can't figure out why things aren't working

Thank you very much. Very helpful to get into the lifestyle with eyes wide open..

All relationships are complicated ours just require a little more TLC in the beginning