Trying the Dom/sub Lifestyle

My long distant bf and I have been trying this sexually only. It started by accident when we were together. I made a joke about using handcuffs and turned out he liked that. So we agreed to do this seriously, with rules for me to follow. This is what we both wanted. We have been having fun with this but I messed things up. We had made it a rule I couldn't play with my toys without his permission but I did last week. He was hurt that I broke my promise but also now he thinks I don't want to do this anymore and tells me I have to prove to him I want to. Problem is he wants me to figure out how to do that. I have no idea how to prove this. Guess this is his way of showing his control by making me try proving it to him. This whole dom/sub thing is not as simple as I thought but I really want to continue it.
dreamer567 dreamer567
41-45, F
10 Responses May 26, 2007

Since you like the feelings this pleasure brings you, then I suggest you and your boyfriend find the BDSM community near you and take the year long Submissives Class for you starts in Dec. and the Dom Mentor's program for him to help teach him how to be a better Dom and learn the rules to make is safer for both of you.<br />
God Bless

He needs to learn how to control you, to be a better Master. He should beat your *** till it hurts or humble in public at least - (within reason be safe, use common sense) and then instruct you on how/what to do once he undrerstands how he wants you to follow his instructions.

Until you two set up the parameters, how far each of you is willing to commit, then you can't really begin, or get serious and proceed. Take your time on this, and seriously try to be basic. Because over time, as you both grow, you will change, you can't help but change. It is a fact of life, the one thing we can depend on. Things will change, and that will change us, and make us grow. That's how we stretch. <br />
<br />
Love never stays the same. It either grows or regresses, the movement never stops. So if we are working toward the good, the light of knowledge, we are progressing. You have to decide what is good for you, and with any luck, it will be good for him as well. That way you can grow together!<br />
<br />
But don't get upset if something happens that makes you have to split from any partner. Sometimes you only need someone for a learning experience, and once the experience has ended, so does the relationship. You part on good terms and move on from there. Some relationships were never meant to last. That doesn't mean it was bad. I think all learning is good, and whether positive or negative, you learn from every experience you choose to go through.<br />
<br />
Good journey!<br />

In my situation, i sort of HAVE to provide my own punishment. In fact i ask for it when i feel i deserver it. i suppose i am domming myself FOR my hubby since He isn't comfortable with it yet. Kind of sucks but we are trying very hard to make this work.

I have been thinking of talking to my wife about this to see if it could help spice up things, but have been looking for information as to what is involved, any suggestions.

Well IMHO you should be honest with him from start but he should not make such fuss about it - everyone make mistakes .... So now it seems you are on a good way into improving your relationship, I hope it will work great for both of you.

From my past experiences I let my sub decide her punishment a few times. The reason I did this was to test and see how far she was willing to go at that point. With you deciding your punishment and following through with it, it shows that you are willing to do what you are told and this gives your boyfriend an idea of what you are ready for in the future. This does not mean that you are taking control, this is a test that your boyfriend is putting you through to see if the two of you are on the same page. This is also his way of testing to see how open you will be. With you deciding your punishment this opens up the avenue of discussion between you and him as to how far to push you. It sounds like he isn't sure of your boundaries and is afraid of pushing you too far. I hope that my comments are helping you to get a better understanding of what is going on, feel free to ask my opinion about all things in this matter.

I figured out what it was he wanted. He didn't want to tell me how to prove it cause he was afraid I would just do it just to please him. I spent all day thinking about this and now I know I can prove it to him by communicating what I want or don't want and not just once. It will take time. He can't feel good about telling me to do something until he knows for sure I will talk to him and tell him if I have a problem with it. So he doesn't want to dominate me how he was until we work on this. He is upset cause he was thinking everything was great and we were moving forward while I was having a problem with the first rule we ever had. It was my idea to make that rule cause I thought it would help me with my feelings of shame. This is an issue I need to work on and he wants to help me.<br />
He knows my bounderies. We went into this right from the beginning. Of course now he is doubting I was completely honest with him. He wants to discuss anything I have a problem with or am uncertain of and figure out the reasons so we can work on them as they come up.<br />
I have a question. He wants me to decide my own punishments sometimes. He also wants me to add my input and tell him things I want to do. If I decide what to do how am I submitting? I feel like I'm making the rules if I am telling him what I want to do or him to do to me. He doesn't see it that way cause he ultimately decides what we do.<br />
I spoke with him about how far we would go with this and that I wanted it to go further. He said as long as its long distance he can't think how it can go any further than it has. He finds it hard to dominate long distance. Once we are living near each other which should be in the next few months we can decide where we want to go with this. He does want to go further though. Me talking to him about that was another way to prove I would open up to him. Thank you for your help. :)

The first thing that you and your boyfriend need to do is sit down and set boundaries. You don't want to have the same experience as I a did with my previous slave where she was waiting for me to take her to the next level and I didn't, forcing her to go and find a new master to fulfill her needs. Proving to him that you want to continue forward with this lifestyle, does he want emotional proof or does he want physical proof? You are gonna have to find out from him as to the level of proof he wants. From your last sentence you are also gonna have to talk to him and discuss where the both of you see this going, if you want more you will have to let him know in some way. Many a men have began to "dominate" women because they feel that is the only aspect in there life that they can control, hopefully that is not what is going on with you and your boyfriend. I hope that my words have given you a little bit of insite.

We started not long after we met in person and in the beginning I wasn't sure if he took this seriously or it was more of a game. I realized over time it is very serious to him. This is a commitment we both made and that is why me deliberately breaking a rule upset him so much. I didn't understand his feelings at first but now I do and I see how betrayed he felt. As for bounderies we really haven't gone into depth since we aren't even together in person yet. He has asked me things so he knows what I don't want or feel uncomfortable with and I trust he won't ever do anything I didn't want to do. Just how he is stopping it when he thinks I'm having doubts if I want to continue shows how he respects me. I do want to continue though and I have to prove that to him somehow. Actually I think maybe I might want this more than he does and want to go further with it than he does.

I am glad to hear that you and your boyfriend are trying out a new lifestyle. How long have the two of you been experimenting with this? Has there been any problems like this is the past? Have the two of you set boundaries as to how far you are willing to go? What are your limits? The main question you will have to ask yourself is if this is what you really want and what you are willing to do to get it.