Late Blooming Submissive

I want/need to be sexually submissive to my husband, but he hardly ever wants sex, let alone to Dominate.  "Vanilla" sex is good, just not enough anymore. I still love him very much, just feel unwanted. Not sure where to go from here.

(additional info)
I know communication is key, and since he has shown a reluctance to talk about this, I've fallen back on writing.  I've written him letters.  Over the last year, I've written him over a dozen letters where I've opened my heart and poured it all out over the pages, trying to explain about D/s, my feelings, wants & desires, asking him to search within himself, see if there is anything he wants to try, explore.  We have done a few things, which have only confirmed my feelings that I not only want be dominated, I need it. And the more the better.  Most times I get the feeling that he'd just as soon take a nap.

Can two people with opposite libidos find happiness with out one of them being the only one to make concessions?  (in other words, me giving up on what I feel I need? Not sure that's possible) Why can he not compromise as well? I don't want this to escalate to a either/or ultimatum.  Just tired of being frustrated and ignored.
morepassion morepassion
51-55, F
8 Responses Jun 16, 2007

My experience with D/s has shown me that many submissives are the "do me" or "do to me" kind. That can be great if the Dom is into it. my guess is that he is just not into it.

He is probably more vanilla.

I tried it for many yrs and it cant be done..you have to both want the same things..meaning him dominate and you submissive...not every man can handle this power and control..it takes a very special kind of man to do this. he needs to crave it and want it, something like you wanting and needing to be submissive..him needing to dominate. Now in my 40's I found the perfect man for the life that I want...I was very unhappy till I met him..he is everything I ever wanted..dominant,possesive,controlling...BUT FAIR. I wish you luck.

Thank you all for the thoughts and comments. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to say it's been 4 years since I first wrote that, and things have just gone down hill. I believe he loves me, but perhaps doesn't know how to give me what I need. I don't want to hurt him further, but am so tired of this platonic relationship. How selfish is it of me to want to be wanted and needed, even desired by the man I love? Sex has always been spiritual than physical for me, but it's the physical that gets me to that spiritual plane I crave so much.

Have you tried to do the opposite : dominate him. That might just wake up this whole zone of his brain, and it will be easier to ask him to swap roles then.<br />
My first D/S experience was a bit like this, no I'm a complete perv!

Your story hits close to home. My b/f has a great libido...we have tried a little of the submissive/dominant thing...but no near enough for me. Being a submissive at heart...its hard for me to "take the lead" in tempting him or guiding him....it goes against my nature. Thats the part I cant seem to solve. How does a "submissive" lead such a thing????????????

he needs to understand you emotionally require being dominated and he needs to learn how to be dominant

I would (could) only hope that my wife was like morepassion and dreamer...

I have no idea of your situation so I can only tell you mine. I was married for 18 years to a man who would not even consider dominating me. I never thought of the D/s lifestyle actually but did try to get him to handcuff me, tell me what to do, be a little rougher, things like that. It was an ok marriage. For many reasons I divorced him and then met this wonderful man online. I fell in love and when we met the D/s just kind of has happened slowly. I keep thinking of all the years I was in a relationship missing so much and not knowing it. So what I'm trying to say is you should talk to your husband. Be honest with him about your feelings of being unwanted. Tell him what you want and need. If he does not want to have anything to do with dominating you than you will not be able to change that. Search within yourself to decide if you can live with what he is able to give you. Good luck.