Being Submissive Really Fulfills Me

This is a crazy thing for ME to be saying!  I've always been fiercely independent and NEVER was the type of woman to "serve" a man.  I grew up watching my mother sell herself out (and us) for men.  I watched her kiss their ***** and take all their **** and I VOWED I would never be one of those women!  I can probably count, on one hand, how many times I've even made a man a plate (and I was married twice!!)   But, several years ago, I started having sex with a man who, one time, without warning, wrapped his fingers around my throat and choked me during sex.  I couldn't breathe.  And, I liked it!  I was so surprised to find myself responding like that!  We had sex for years and years (he's my "friend with benefits.")  He's never made a HABIT of the whole choking thing but, early on, I would catch myself hoping he would choke me.  When he did, I don't's just so hard for me to explain the way it feels.  I wrote about it, once, when I first realized how much I liked it and why.  Laying there, not being able to breathe, it feels so free and I feel so safe.  I mean, I know he means me no harm but, it went beyond that.  It was like he was creating a situation for me to safely surrender...I could lay there and float away on breathless safety not having to worry about my whole world crumbling because I wasn't making sure **** was happening; knowing that I didn't have to be in control (for once) because he was .  He'd also sometimes, cover my face with a pillow; or position himself on top of me in a way where my head was completely enshrouded by his I couldn't move.  I responded to all of these things the same way as with the choking.  We've talked about it alot.  We both think it has something to do with trust.  We've experimented with other him giving me commands and me calling him by a name that he instructed me to call him by; and me crawling around on the floor and sitting at his feet and stuff.  I have to admit, though, that some of that stuff made me feel uncomfortably humliated.  But, the whole desire for me to submit to a man just keeps getting stronger and stronger.  I mean, of course, you can't give just anybody that type of "power" (it's not really power...not theirs, anyway. because, at any time, I have the freedom to take it back.  it's something that i can give termporarily and at will.  BUt, it's ALWAYS my power.)  Anyway, the man has to know how to wield his power and how to handle the power I give him, in order to be trusted with it.  There aren't many men that know how to handle their power.  But, I'd give anything for a trustworthy, strong man who knows how to be a man...better yet, who knows how to help me be a woman...cuz, as independent as I've always been, I feel, as a woman, I need a man to be balanced.  That's how we were created....and balance each other out.  I still feel like these desires are something to be ashamed of,, somehow, it's a sign of my own weakness.  Mostly, I feel justified, though....mostly.  I'm just so tired of always having to be in ******* control of EVERYthing!  I'm tired of always having to fulfill the roles of both man and woman in my household!  I'd give anything to be able to trust someone with guiding me, making decisions, helping me be a better woman.  The sexual submission is just a small part of's an immediate and relatively easy way to access the kind of freedom I long for.  But, I'm really curious about and interested in exploring this as an entire lifestyle.  I, in fact, believe that leaving it in the bedroom may be somewhat irresponsible.

I'd love to connect with other people who feel the way I do!

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
42 Responses Sep 16, 2006

Love it!

its good to be in some one elses control isnt it


So free and so safe resonated with me.
Sometimes I feel I am so strange or different. I have been looking around the internet wondering about this submissive thing. Because it seems that for many others the drive is sexual and maybe mine is but the thing is I do not get to ******. My husband whips me and I submit to that. It hurts like nothing else and it does not turn me on but I feel so free and so safe. So strange I am. The thought of being choked does nothing for me. I guess we are all different. I am so glad you are also feeling free and safe. I trust him and I feel safe secure protected comforted. Yet another would say he is a bully or bad or something so I cant talk to my friends about it and yet in a way I desparetly want to be able to share. Not out of feeling of wanting to report or to even stop it but just to share maybe to feel like I am not the only person who sacrifices and demonstrates my submission through acceptance of pain but that it does not turn me on.

Thats all I guess.

I am new to being a submissive and I too have always had to be in control. Been married twice and both times I had to be the one who worried about everything, I was the complete caregiver. I have met a man that has opened up the possibility of a D/s lifestyle with me and I have to say that I love it. I crave the feeling of giving myself up to his control. I trust him, he is a kind but masterful D. There is alot I still need to learn but giving up my old habits of control are a challenge to me that I never thought could be so fullfilling....

wow..that was a very honest and sincere story. I can appreciate ur feelings and ur ability 2 know what is right 4 u. I thought no one else could possibly know what I am feeling, accepting, and wanting. thank u 4 sharing...

Be careful about that breath play, my dear. It can end in tragedy if you go too far. At least that's what the episode of The Good Wife showed. :-D

What's fascinating about this is how so much of what you say echoes the thoughts of men I know who are positively sick of having to always take care of everything. They are attracted to dommes for precisely the same reason you like to be dominated. To let go. Personally, I think it's fun to switch back and forth. The men who turn me on the most are the ones who are willing to share power. Those who can be strong and take me, but who aren't afraid to let go, be vulnerable, and be used as well.

Good luck in your journey. You are a good writer.

Very interesting post. Imensely thought provoking.

I'll definitely check out more of your stories.
Thank you for sharing.

I feel the same way..For the longest i had to be mom and dad...I felt I had no choice but to be strong..even though I knew deep inside i wanted to be dominated I wanted to serve..When i married my husband he wnted a feisty wife, he found out I was submissive so he took advantage of I had to be strong again...after almost 15 yrs he passed away..So now I hav found an amazing man *My Master* I love this man like I have never loved any man before..I crave serving him, I crave for him to dominate me, I want to do everything for him...and he is amazing, he wants to treat me like a princess....I feel I can trust him with my life..Its so hard to explain what I feel but I know its what i have wanted all my life from a man, and at last I found a man that has everything I want and I would never give up this life or him. Even though we do want to make this as a part of our everyday normal life we do have lines we dont cross...he is possesive of me and jealous, so he doesn't share me or would ever think of sharing me with any other man. Im his and he is mine. Im looking forward to many yrs of happiness with this man as a submissive wife and him My master.

I was surprised I am a sub, for much the same reasons. I've always been fiercely independant and always been the grown-up/responsible one in every relationship I've been in. I finally met someone who introduced me to D/s in small increments. This actually cemented my knowledge that he is my soulmate! It's great to be able to let go of control for the first time!

My friends tell me that I am one of the most independent and strong women they have ever met. I can and do it all on my own. I haven't had a choice. I have been in relationships where men see how capable I am just let me have the reigns. They never asked me once if I wanted or needed them. I am submissive, and only recently, I have started delving into what this really means. My friends would freak out if they knew that I wanted and needed a man to dominate me. I have to be in control of all of my life, I don't have a choice as there is no one else to do it. I just want/need to surrender to a man. How nice it will be to know what is expected of me at all times and to know my role and embrace my submissiveness, and not just in the bedroom. I have recently met a man who is a Dom and we discovered this about each other completely by accident...a happy accident. I am excited and nervous about this journey we are taking together. It will be challenging to just let go and surrender, but I know, I feel, that it will be amazing. It feels right. It feels natural. And for once, I am in the right place for me. It feels good. Thank you for your posts. Reading them makes me feel not so alone.

I am a switch and I am aroused by fantasizing about owning my woman, but also about losing her to a Master who dominates us both. Confusing....

that's a good start

My fantasy is good or my confusion? Do you like my fantasy?

well first off trust is earned threw knowing the person u are with. but i do suggest maybe u need to start out small steps. for instant not really choke but lite pressure there and not during sex but just for the sake of seeing your reaction. or try something less threatening like a few smack on the *** just enough to make it tingle then rollover and make love and see if the sting make things more exciting. but many people like many different things.blind folds, floggings, being restrained, and powders and a feathers brushing the skin all meant to heighten the body seances. but it requires u being willing to experiment and trust but most of all allow yourself to be lead/trained by someone that's will to teach u. the most important thing u need to learn and that is u and your limits your likes and dislikes all ment to make life and sex more enjoyable

It is good to hear that there are women who are not doormats who consider themselves submissive. I am young,(old enough to be legal, I swear), and the type of person who's family and friends would swear was a top. But I am not attracted to that at all. I would like to be submissive. It is all very confusing to me.<br />
I don't really know what to think because while I would like to have a man who would take control like that; I do not really want someone to run my whole life. I am not sure I could ever break through my trust issues enough to allow what you do, though. Anyone who tried to restrain or choke me, even if I knew them, would be asking to get seriously injured.<br />
Do I make any sense? I guess I just wanted to get this out.

It sounds like you are talking about being sexually submissive but perhaps you wouldn't want this to be a 24/7 thing. i.e. Outside the bedroom you are equal partners but inside you wish you had someone who could "take" you. Just guessing.

Thanks. I'm less confused now than I was a year and a half ago. And you did grasp the basic idea of what I was looking for. I now have a wonderful boyfriend who isn't as dominant as the man described in the article, but definitely "wears the pants" our relationship. And I'm really happy.

i love your story i feel similarly

Thank you for sharing your story. I too have started as a sub in the bedroom but then realized to be true to myself I needed to make it a lifestyle choice. I feel so much better now that I have fully submitted to my man. I feel more like a woman and he is the right man to dominate me. I agree with many of the comments also. It takes a very special and true man to dominate in a loving and responsible way. My man would never hurt me and he is not selfish. He knows what is best for me and us. Our relationship has blossomed since I gave him the reins.

Although I am far less experienced in D/s relationships than those who have commented before me, I do agree that the foundation upon which the D/s relationship is built must be one of absolute trust between the two parties. This doesn't mean that as a dominant I should feel free to take advantage of the particular desires of the submissive in a selfish and controlling way, but rather that I would understand her desires and use that understanding to fulfill and satisfy her desires in a caring and compassionate way. For me it's not a question of giving orders for the sake of being in charge, it's taking care of my submissive in a respectful way that results in the mutual satisfaction and fulfillment of both parties.

Being dominated is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not about allowing yourself to be abused. It is all about going on a journey into the unknown, where your senses are heightened beyond expectation.

I related to this story in the sense that I love to be choked, held down and dominated....except I don't feel like I am being submissive. Usually when I have read stories about D/s it's seemed much more like bending to someone's will in a way I cannot fathom. But choking is a different story. I desire my man to hold his hands on and around my throat, to push his fingers into my mouth and to hold me down with his weight; but to tell me to do something specific like crawl there, act like that- I would never and he wouldn't dream of asking! <br />
Does that make me submissive? The line is unclear to me.

Very good.<br />
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The secret about a D/s relationship is that the s has the REAL power and loans it to the D for mutual enjoyment.<br />
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The submissive always has the ability to call off the session, or even the relationship. So, you are not really serving anyone. A healthy D/s relationship is a partnership where you are BOTH getting what you like and need.

It is very nice to read that other very stong, independent women feel like this. I have just started my relationship with my Sir. I just posted my "I just started a Sub relationship" post, please feel free to read. Thank you for sharing.

I too am just coming to terms with my submission and love to read all you all wrote. I like the idea of having a place to come and see that I am not alone in what I feel and do. These stories and comments are a big help to me in my journey into submission. It would be good to have friends to talk about it all with. Thanks everyone.


Thank-you to everyone who wrote. D/s is so new to me, less than two months, in fact prior to this time I didn't have a clue it existed! I have been reading, writing, emailing, all in preparation for my first submissive experience in two weeks. The more I learn about this lifestyle the more sure I am that it was created solely for ME. By giving up my power I am becoming empowered. I am entering a relationship where trust reigns supreme and communication is key. How many "normal" relationships have that?

I am a very dominating person in my work life and it is a great joy and relief to have a man that allows me to be there for him and his needs. I crave to be his sub. He is loving, protective and stern and we have finally learned to live with our roles in the bedroom. While this is all new to us - it is truly amazing getting to know each other again.

I enjoyed reading peoples experiences with this. I am not into hurting or choking a girl. But I do love to hold a girls neck. I womans body is just a beautiful thing, but touch a womans neck out of this world. Well touching and caressing a woman anywhere is awesome. Not sure why I love that so much. It has puzzled me for along time. I had only a few girl friends that liked me holding and caressing their necks. Its not something all women are keen too.

I think your desires are not all that uncommon... We are a young couple of over 4 years! We played around with my gf's submissive desires in the bedroom.... For us it's not a all the time thing and like you does not fit us outside the bedroom. Every one is different but we found the answer through a third person that we trust and is simply a natural dominate.... I know watching my g/f crawling on the floor taunted by a reward from him is incredible to watch! I can say with out a doubt the humiliation she gets in the bedroom creates even more eagerness on her part...... Outside the bedroom it would be unacceptable and a turn off but I can say for a fact in the bedroom his verbal is taken as a compliment and creates even more eagerness for her to submit!

Your submissive desires are quite exciting and not that far out.... We are a young couple of over 4 years and found the way to experience dom/sub was a third person... I believe we were very lucky at how it happened but the bottom line is my gf has responded to a very creative, and intuitive dom with eagerness! For us it is only part of our sexual natures..... Outside of these encounters with this dominate guy we enjoy the main stream stuff between us... Vanilla I guess it's called..... Either way it's extremely exciting to see her being controlled sexually as being "owned" like you said! I am sure acting out is different for different people but crawling on the floor when taunted with the reward fits what I have seen......

ever since i can remember, i've tried to make it a point that i wasn't some pansy of a girl who would let anyone push her around or force her to do anything traditionally feminine. after a lot of tooling around the "game" of Second Life, amongst other things (noticing the way i loved to sit at certain people's feet, and how strongly i just wanted to DO things for other people-- not necessarily sexually, just in general, things i've come to like in the bedroom, and other things still) i've sort have come to the same conclusion as you have. everything i've read or looked up points to me being a submissive.<br />
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so, i understand where you're coming from... and hope all goes well for you!

What to say...I'm new to this though I've always known I was submissive if that makes any sense. My family are...controling to say the least and I used to hate myself for letting them put me down. I've had a...hard life, i won't go into any detailes but I can truthfully say that because of having only myself to rely on emotionally I really fought being submissive. It was only once I realized that I enjoyed doing things for other people and having other people make the decisions as long as I knew they weren't going to hurt me that I finally excepted it. My family and I are really religious so when I first understood that I was submissive it was in a word scary. I knew that they would be against it and I know that they would probably hate me for it, but even now I can't help who I am and honestly I don't want to. The only problem is that the few guy's that I've gone out with always seem dominant in the beginning but in the end are usually submissive like me and I was wondering if anyone could give me some hints on how to tell without actually asking them to their face. I am greatful of course that I found a few dominant friends that have been willing to help me out but even then I didn't understand they were dominant until they told me they were.

I enjoyed reading your story and very much relate to everything you have said. It is nice to see that other people are or have been in the same situation as me.

Men like me have two very vulnerable areas where we can be incapacitated, albeit temporarily. One is the crotch. Kick me or hit me there, and I'm on my knees. The other, is the ego. My ego empowers me to take charge in a caring, compassionate manor. I'm not out to see how bossy I can be. I want to take care of a woman, and I'm quite comfortable doing that from a dominant position. But I can only assume this position if I'm with a submissive woman, who respects me, and follows my lead. To say I mean her no harm, that's an understatement. I deeply desire her to be fulfilled, and satisfied. Endeavoring to have a relationship that results in mutual fulfillment is best entered from a door that I feel most comfortable entering through. That door is as the dominant in the relationship. If I cannot be with a submissive woman, I have no way of expressing my true self, and everything quickly goes to hell. Take away her respect and submissiveness, and you may as well kick me in the nuts. I have no way to go on. So, its a two-way street in every sense. Carried out with mutual respect, its a lovely street to explore, the D/s road.

Thank you so much for this article... ive been submissive for as long as i can remember, but in many ways ive felt akward about it, almost as if it was wrong.most of all ive never been able to put into word WHY i am submissive. You put it perfectly, i actualy started to cry when i read this... i cant thank you enough for what this article helped me to realize. I still have a long way to go, but this is at least a step for me.

I am a life time Dom. and I enjoyed reading your message, I would also like to make myself availabe for questions as the need arises strings attached....there is way to many people playing the online game and not really truely understanding that this is NOT a game it is a choice and for some of us this is a need .

i love all of you articulate people!!

Coming to terms is an accurate description for me too. I never thought much of the lifestyle, mostly becuase I never really understood it. I pitied subs and loathed doms.<br />
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So that recently when I have seen a Dom side of me emerge, it surprised me. That isn't how I ever perceived myself and certainly not how I ever wished to be perceived. <br />
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As part of a life-long effort to understand myself, this is once aspect I struggle to come to terms with.

I am a lifestyle submissive - and I have found that while it took time for me to come to terms with my submission that once I did it was the most fulfilling thing that I have done...I feel so good that I am being true to myself...I feel stronger for having submitted...I cannot submit just in play and find that I do need and want to be controlled in day to day life too...I love rules and orders and I love to feel that connection always to my is a trust issue - you have to know that he will never harm you and that he will always consider your needs...he has to be mature enough to handle the power that you give him...and controlled enough to not act selfishly...few men can do that.

I feel it too, I am working this out for myself, and am learning so much about myself, and the idea of being submissive. Coming to terms with it and truly understanding what it means, is a lot of work, and I get frustrated with myself, but I will keep learning about it. I now know it is not a matter of if I am submissive anymore, it is a matter of knowing when I am ready to full give myself to another.

I've been doing a lot of research lately about the D/s lifestyle. There is so much, and I'm thankful that you wrote that because it has helped me to understand this a little bit more. Do you intend to make the D/s part of your lifestyle completely?

I too am looking into a D/s life style. I crave the trust/intimacy aspect of it. I have been reading non stop on subject it's way more complicated than I thought, but the more I learn the more I like. Good luck!, I imagine it must be the biggest relief to finally submit. We'll see.

sounds like u very much live to BE his....sounds like maybe u 2 have a future

I can relate to the being tired of being the one in control all the time. It is exhausting to make every decision all the time. How freeing it is to have someone make the decisions sometimes. I never thought I would like this. I have always seen myself as a controlling person but now I see I just never had any other choice before. My true self has been coming out slowly since I met my bf. He loves me so much. He wants to guide me and help me overcome my insecurities and help me be a better person. Not that he thinks I'm not a good person. He just see's I have issues with feeling guilty and so many insecurities that he wants me to change that part of me. That to me is him showing me more love than anyone ever has. We have agreed to have this d/s part of our lives in the bedroom but I am realizing it really isn't possible for it not to spill out into other parts.I thought I'd hate it if that happened but I find it is something I need to a point. I don't know why but I feel it is teaching me self control knowing there are rules and I will be punished for breaking them. I'm trying to keep this desire to be controlled at bay somewhat cause I think maybe he doesn't want it that way. He told me in the beginning of our relationship that he hates making decisions which is why I was surprised he would be interested in dominating me at all but I was also surprised I wanted to submit to him. I surprised him when he found out I was doing reseach on the lifestyle. I don't think he realized how interested I was in it. We'll see how far we both want to go in time. This is new to both of us plus we are long distance which makes it impossible to go further with it until we are together. It's a learning process that will evolve over time I guess.

Very helpful post. Thank you.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there who feels like that. It took me a while to come to the same conculsion you did. All day at work I have to make very tough decisions and I need to be the bread winner of the family. When I come home my boyfriend makes me feel free from everything as well as safe and protected for the first time in my life. the first time he did it though I freaked out really hard for a second. We talked about it since I freaked him out but it worked out great in the end! for both of us.