Being Submissive Really Fulfills Me
This is a crazy thing for ME to be saying! I've always been fiercely independent and NEVER was the type of woman to "serve" a man. I grew up watching my mother sell herself out (and us) for men. I watched her kiss their ***** and take all their **** and I VOWED I would never be one of those women! I can probably count, on one hand, how many times I've even made a man a plate (and I was married twice!!) But, several years ago, I started having sex with a man who, one time, without warning, wrapped his fingers around my throat and choked me during sex. I couldn't breathe. And, I liked it! I was so surprised to find myself responding like that! We had sex for years and years (he's my "friend with benefits.") He's never made a HABIT of the whole choking thing but, early on, I would catch myself hoping he would choke me. When he did, I don't know...it's just so hard for me to explain the way it feels. I wrote about it, once, when I first realized how much I liked it and why. Laying there, not being able to breathe, it feels so free and I feel so safe. I mean, I know he means me no harm but, it went beyond that. It was like he was creating a situation for me to safely surrender...I could lay there and float away on breathless safety not having to worry about my whole world crumbling because I wasn't making sure **** was happening; knowing that I didn't have to be in control (for once) because he was . He'd also sometimes, cover my face with a pillow; or position himself on top of me in a way where my head was completely enshrouded by his arms...so I couldn't move. I responded to all of these things the same way as with the choking. We've talked about it alot. We both think it has something to do with trust. We've experimented with other stuff...like him giving me commands and me calling him by a name that he instructed me to call him by; and me crawling around on the floor and sitting at his feet and stuff. I have to admit, though, that some of that stuff made me feel uncomfortably humliated. But, the whole desire for me to submit to a man just keeps getting stronger and stronger. I mean, of course, you can't give just anybody that type of "power" (it's not really power...not theirs, anyway. because, at any time, I have the freedom to take it back. it's something that i can give termporarily and at will. BUt, it's ALWAYS my power.) Anyway, the man has to know how to wield his power and how to handle the power I give him, in order to be trusted with it. There aren't many men that know how to handle their power. But, I'd give anything for a trustworthy, strong man who knows how to be a man...better yet, who knows how to help me be a woman...cuz, as independent as I've always been, I feel, as a woman, I need a man to be balanced. That's how we were created....and why...to balance each other out. I still feel like these desires are something to be ashamed of, though...like, somehow, it's a sign of my own weakness. Mostly, I feel justified, though....mostly. I'm just so tired of always having to be in ******* control of EVERYthing! I'm tired of always having to fulfill the roles of both man and woman in my household! I'd give anything to be able to trust someone with guiding me, making decisions, helping me be a better woman. The sexual submission is just a small part of it...it's an immediate and relatively easy way to access the kind of freedom I long for. But, I'm really curious about and interested in exploring this as an entire lifestyle. I, in fact, believe that leaving it in the bedroom may be somewhat irresponsible.
I'd love to connect with other people who feel the way I do!