How I Became a Dom, And Why It Made a Better Marriage

My wife and I had been married for two years, and things were slipping.   She was in Med school, and it was taking all of her energy.  I had been working to support ant care for her for those two years (married the Saturday before school started, year 1).   When I reached burnout, I started telling her so.

We are both good at communicating, and both vowed to work hard to make things work.   For months she tried to find ways to pay attention to me, but I was so burned out at that point that, if a week went buy with no gestures, I felt ignored, unloved. . . . And I didn't have the energy to give enough back to compensate her.

One day she simply told me, "Take what you want.   When you want attention, tell me, make me take the time, just dominate me."

After a couple days of discussing it, I decided she was serious, so I started trying.

Inside a week I had changed what she was allowed to wear to bed, had had her dye her hair for me again (which she did, but not often), had her shave (again, did, but not often). . . And was telling her regularly that she was good, and had done well. . .Was playing with her hair again, and caressing her. . . Was kissing her before we left the house for the day.

Inside two weeks, she was calling me master all the time, and I had purchased her a collar, both at her instigation.   I was helping her schedule her days, and planning our nights.  We tried out all the easy ideas I had always wanted to try, and found some of them worked very well.   Our marriage was getting better, we were communicating more, and working toward a goal.

Now, six months later, I guide her days, set her goals, applaud her efforts, and punish her failures.   She loves it.   For the first time in her life, she knows what to do, knows the rules to live by, knows what values she is expected to live up to, and no longer has to worry what everyone else thinks about every little thing she does.   Both our depressions are getting better, and easier to handle.   She likes and respects herself more than she ever has, and knows she is doing right. . . . Because when she fails to do right, I alert her, and when she fails enough to feel ashamed of herself. . . There is a stern spanking (followed by cuddling, and sometimes sex), and an end to the matter.  No need to carry the shame an inch further, because I have given her the punishment she knew she needed, and saved her from the internalized fear that she hadn't punished herself enough yet. . . Which, for her, sometimes lingered years, even for minor things, like running over a curb, or dropping wine on the carpet.

I save her from the questioning, the worry, the self doubt and self hatred. . . And in turn she does what I order, and lives up to the view I have of her, slowly becoming a better person, a stronger person, because I won't allow her to backslide enough to fail.

Our love is stronger than ever.   We are a pair, with me breaking trail, and plotting course, and her following, trusting, supporting. . . And slipping her way through med school, a circumstance indicated to lead to a 90% divorce rate, with things only getting better.

We are just starting to make links to the community, and are amazed to find that a full 10% of Americans participate.   We are learning safety, and correct mindset, laws and psychology. . .And paying a thousand percent more attention, to each other, without feeling like it's a burden. . . Because all of it is returned, and the structure of our new commitment forces it to be that way.
malthius411 malthius411
31-35, M
28 Responses Oct 6, 2006

So good to hear. The trust, respect, and vital communication.

Pointers from 'taken in hand' (her idea) was a big help to me

Love this :)

I am very new to this and your story sounds like mine. I need ideas <br />
How to continue this lifestyle both in and out of the bedroom. My woman wants me to get more ideas but I don't know how far to go with it. I need both ideas from men and women alike. Thanks in advance.

I feel in the same boat as you however it has come about a totally different way for me - My girl and I, have only really kept our D/s play to the bedroom however due to some stern reading and a huge load of talking on both our parts we both feel ready to progress to a lifestyle ba<x>sed D/s instead of just scenes - however I do require some assistance. Without sounding to "submissive" here - I am in need of some help from fellow dominants with a lot more experience than me to point me in the right direction - all help welcome and all advice recieved!

how about an update?

I'm impressed. I wholeheartedly agree and applaud the both of you. I am on that track too and am finding it both pleasurable and successful. I've never been happier nor has she.

I can relate. When I submitted fully to my Master. Our relationship just felt so much better and he was so much happier and life was so much easier because it felt so right.

I am just starting to discover the Dom/sub lifestyle and your story echos a common theme I Keep seeing. I keep reading about and meeting couples who have entered this lifestyle and have gained a greater level of trust for one another, a greater level of communication, and a stronger relationship. Thanks for posting your story.

Great story. I wish you both good luck.

Very inspiring.....<br />
I am unfortunately at the other end of that story. I would like my husband to be more dominant....damn I crave it....but it is not him nor does he feel comfortable when in control. As a result, I am pushing away from him, both mentally and definitely physically. <br />
Perhaps there's still hope???

interesting lifestyle change.

As a suggestion that has worked very well for me, in trying to get across to kitten new ideas and situations:<br />
<br />
Find a piece of fiction, likely Online, that has the mood and feeling you are looking for. Then forward it to them. . . And be prepared to explain. <br />
<br />
"No, I was really focusing on what He was doing. . . .You are right, what she did was a little unpleasant"<br />
<br />
Often the hardest part is opening the door, and starting the dialog. . . . .And letting someone else's writings set the tone can be an easier way through that particular sticking point.

I it hard to step out ones comfort zone...JD and I each have those little issues...just different subjects...LOL

LOL...there you are.....I'll keep tryin...:)

Good plan...I do hope that works for you donebeingdone....<br />
<br />
TheatreGirl...Im quite sure that I sound stupid...oh least jeepdriver tells me I dont...haha

Lexus, I'm so scared to even try. I'm worried I'll sound silly/stupid and that will turn him off rather than on. I don't normally use those kind of words so it's even harder to use them in bed (or wherever)

If you are saying so....why does he question it? Would think it would be more about what your boundaries are then whether or not "he" thought you wanted it. That so confuses me.

We are more alike than I thought. I cant seem to do the talking dirty thing either...I am trying though since I know JD likes it. I think that is the key...have to be proactive and keep trying.

I guess I'm just worried 'cause I've never asked before -he's always done it without me asking him for it. And I also can't talk dirty either - very frustrating!

It is a hard thing to ask for....hear you there...LOUD AND CLEAR....LOL

I wish I could say the same Lexus - but I find it hard enough to ask my fiance to spank me or pull my hair never mind anything else!

looking forward to someday posting my own little success story....:)

I'm so happy that things are working for you both. I'm curious but probably not enough to consider doing the same thing myself. That's the reason I joined this group.

A bit more of a "lifestyle" than I am after...but major kudos to you both for being proactive and finding what you both needed.

A bit more of a "lifestyle" than I am after...but major kudos to you both for being proactive and finding what you both needed.

applause, I envy you your situation. My wife have not take enough courage to take that small but important step and I know it will help her exactly as it helped your wife. Maybe on one nice day ...

Thanks for your story. I have just started a relationship with a woman who is submissive and calls me the most natural Dom she has ever met. But, had no idea what a Dom is and does. Trying to find out as much as I can. Your story was a great help