I Thought I Was A Good Father

Update: Since the last time I posted, my daughter completely disconnected from me for 4 months because I pressured her on accepting my wife. i have since backed off and letting things simmer. It seems to have helped but not sure... I have a rental house and my daugher and her husband want to rent it. Is it because she changed or because she wants to rent from me cheap? She had my second grandson Dec 12th so that was exciting and my wife was welcomed. Still have not seen my son since Feb 6th 2010 when my first grandson was born. He recently sent me an email to pressure me to rent to my daughter and announce in a backhanded way that his wife is pregnant. This is craziness.

Reality is, kids grow up and develop their own mind-set about parents and everything else. My children are grown, in their 20s, my daughter is controlling and manipulative, we do not speak at all, my son and i do, but things could be better. The thing is, life is short, unfortunately we can't control the responses of others, just our own. Be happy with your new wife, write letters to the kids if you can, stay connected however you can, I know you're hurt and it's difficult. Most things involving family conflict are, but it doesn't sound like this is a problem on your part, but that of your children. You have every right to be happy with your new wife, they need to accept that!!!

Truthfully, your daughter doesn't have a say in who you marry. She has her life, did you have a say in who she married? And, what if you did ask her & she said she didn't want you to marry here or anyone? Would she like for you to say single, alone & unhappy? And no, her saying they are there & you're not alone, doesn't fly. Alone, as with no partner. As for you son, he has no reason, based on what I've read, to not respect you. It sounds as if he's over 18, and an adult. Regardless, he's too old to act like that. It may very well be that his mother is saying things and he's siding or mimiking her. I just never have & never will, understand why the person who filed for divorce, didn't want to be married any longer, is the one who gets their panties in a bunch when their ex finds happiness. I think that you should, if it's comfortable to you, send a reply to your son telling him that you are sorry that he feels the way he does. Something like, "I know you have your reasons for feeling the way you do, even though I don't understand. I do appreciate the fact that you shared your feelings with me and maybe someday you will tell me." Maybe mention that you miss those times together when the two of you rebuilt that car & any other times you hung out. Tell him you will make time for him but he'll have to let you know. Leave it kind of like that. And then all you can do is wait for him to come around. Just a note for any situation. When someone express feelings to you and you don't agree, never tell them thier feelings are wrong, because it's only wrong from your point of view. Everyone has a right to their feelings, beliefs & thoughts. People usually have a reason for what they do & others don't always understand, but that's the nature of humans.

My kids have met my new wife and they are upset that they did not have any say so in who I married. Things are getting better with my daughter though she still does not want to be around my wife we are at least talking. She and her husband moved 300 miles away and in a way it has given a breather to the situation. I still have not seen my son in a year. He sent me an email stating he did not respect me and I have no idea where that comes from unless from his mother. I will also say that my wife is wonderful to me but she can be stubborn and she has felt rejected by my kids and I can understand why so she will do nothing to improve the relationship between them and her.

I'm on the opposite side of the fence, sort of. My husband's wife filed for divorce, without telling him, after 25 years marriage & six kids. In your case, you've done the Dad thing right, both before & after the divorce and no, it isn't fair. But now the ball is in their court. As to why they've dropped you, only they know. Look from their point of view; their whole life the only wife you've had is their mother and even though she chose to end it, it's awkward and not knowing how to act, they choose to ignore it. (They probably feel guilty about shutting you out also.) They may feel like they're betraying their mother as well, (especially since you remarried.) maybe mom is saying or hinting at that as well. Questions: Before you remarried, did you get to talk to your kids about this? Just the 3 of you? Have they had a chance to meet your wife? I think you follow me. I don't have advice but a couple of suggestions to offer; Invite you kids to share "alone" time with you. Either the 3 of you or one on one, with each. If all goes well, plan these times every so often. When things are going well, invite them to your home so they can get to know your wife. If they do, remember, things will be strange at first, but don't stress, don't try to hard & be yourselves, It'll take time, so be patient. Without going into a long story, I'll just say that my husband, myself, all the kids & grandkids, plus his ex and her husband all get along great! It took a lot of work on my part with his ex but whenever there was somebody's birthday, (& there always is), I would tell jokes & talk about stuff. Pretty soon it just seemed normal. The kids, Mom & Dad even have good laughs over old times. He & I will be married 10 yrs next month & she married 2 yrs before that. So, there is hope but it takes work & for everyone to do their part. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

Thank you lynnoutloud, you are wiser than your age.

I am not in the same position as you but very well could be. My kids are a lot younger and have a ways to go to get to that point in their lives. i was married to there Mom for 16 years and we split it hurt them, since then I have let my kids down as well as myself. My oldest son has had issues with drugs which we are working on I think that divorce at any age is harder than we think on kids. Hang in there I am sure that they will remember all that you did for them. It sounds like you did the best you could not one is perfect except Dr. Phil have a great day