I'm Messed Up.

I have terrible thoughts. Sometimes I wish I was being abused, or raped, so people would feel sympathy for me. I'm a sicko for thinking something so terrible, and I know this. I also wish people around me were smart enough to see me for me. Because I can't. I don't know who I am or what kind of person I am, I make-up a new personality around everyone I meet, mostly so that person will like me better. I want to be a therapist but I sometimes wonder if I'm going to need my own. But I don't want anyone ever to see me as a terrible person, or to judge me, even a little. And I know if I confide my secrets in anyone, as I've never done before, that they'll judge me. I've had thoughts of self-harm, sometimes to punish myself, sometimes again to make other people feel sorry for me. I've scratched myself until I bled and I've felt completely alone and empty. And I've done this to myself. I hate myself, and I don't even know who I am. I just want it to stop.
Hippopotomus Hippopotomus
13-15, F
2 Responses Sep 22, 2012

um idk how to say it but u are probably living the life alot of people like me always dreamed to live. you say u wish u was abused and raped...im sorry but if you ever go thru that like i have for years you would never say that cause it just stupid. you so lucky and u got everything already u dont even know or realize how really good u got it. have u ever spend a week by your self or eat out garbage or cut your arms n legs n sides until your whole body throb in pain so u can forget about how bad theybeat u until u cant even breathe or stand up? im sorry for be mean but u please open your eyes and like what u got. i hate when people feel bad for me i HATE it an i dont understand why u want it. i really think u are smarter than u know but u gotta realize that people feel sorry for you is not the answer to ur issue u got inside you. you gotta let it out an tell somebody u trust an so what if they judge u??? everybody get judged all the time they already judged u but u dont see it cause u pretending too much being different around them to keep them at a distance and away from who u really are. If u really want them to embrace u and love u and give u the attention u really seem to want so bad then be honest be youself like 100% around them--that when they will help u with your real problems and u will feel better inside like u accomplish something. im sorry for being mean but please be honest with people an let them see the real u. its good sometimes bad sometimes and dont matter sometimes but at least they know who u are and so will u. oh please dont start cutting its too hard to stop fast like you think and it will make scars that are there for ever and people will ask eventualy so think abuot how lucky u are and trust them to help u. im same age as u believe me its hard but i really do need people to help me i mean everbody does so dont be afraid to ask them if they love u they wont judge u bad.

I had a similar feeling in middle school but with a few differences. I am dyslexic and I felt stupid because I would jumble words or letters and felt I couldn't keep up. I would hit myself and pull out my hair because I felt I needed punishment. Most of the kids didn't like me because I was loud or aggressive, and believe me, I tried hard to get them to like me.

For your case it sounds like taking steps to being more open is beneficial. I think going to a therapist is a good idea but please go on some ones' recommendation. It's ok, to not have everyone like you. Who cares if a scummy person likes you or not?

The phrase "Be Yourself," (the stupid thing you hear in school) is messed up, because it is natural to act differently to different groups of people, to your friends rather then adults. Which "you" would be the real you?(I'm talking in anyones case) MY POINT IS, Make you the best "you" you possibly can.

Does that make sense? I hope that helps.

That makes sense, the whole be yourself thing. Thanks. (: