Process of Reinvention (part Deux)I allowed myself to emerge from my past relationship emotional issues last week. It wasn’t the most comforting time, sinking so low, but I saw that I really do love myself and that I over-compromised far too much for others, that I had allowed people to impose on me because I wanted to feel like I mattered to them…I also learned the value of forgiving God.
Today, I realized my over-attachment to people I greatly admired. Off the top of my head, i can think of 3 women and one man. I would contact them when i was having a problem or just contact them because I wanted to feel “okay”, or read their blogs and just wish that my life was similar (though not exactly the same) as theirs. I’d wish i were their friends, or that my hair looked like theirs or that I had friends like theirs. But in healing, I've found that I've drifted from doing a lot of these things. That being said, I'd like to put a stop to it altogether, to move forward with my life totally and make an honest transformation. Today, I deleted the last one of them from my friends list (on a site I joined simply to be closer to them) because I found that I needed to get away from them. I just feel like I was trying to find my life through their eyes. To walk too much of a mile in their shoes.
I can never be anyone but me. I just can’t. All my reinvention will be a reinvention of self, not others. So I had to further scrap the old and start anew. I know that there are people who look at me now and feel that I lack personality, that I’m too quiet, but I don’t want to attach and form relationships with people when I’m still trying to explore my own soul. Not like that at least.
I feel as though, spiritually, I need to find fulfillment. I want to reach a point of spiritual contentment, the way I've found contentment in the rest of my life. I want to reach a point where I am spiritually secure.
I have a vision for my life and all the things I want to do with it and sometimes I feel that being attached to people keeps me from pursuing that. The guilt tripping, the occasional obstacles and judgement in various forms. What love does that? What love keeps a soul from following their passion? I want people who support my growth and complement my journey. And so I just need to keep on moving and going further to myself for answers and change and growth. I just need to look to myself more.
Further Reinvention Needed.